Never a Second Date?? What's Wrong??
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| Mon, 03-26-2007 - 8:47am |
Hey everyone,
I'm just writing because I've just gotten back into the "dating world" over the past couple of months, and I'm finding that I'm getting very discouraged. It seems like I'm going on a lot of first dates, sometimes you can tell right off the bat that it didn’t go well, but sometimes it really seems like it did and we both had a great time, the guy will even suggest to hang out again, etc etc but I've yet to have a second date with any of these people! I almost feel like I'm doing something wrong here! Lol… Am I the only one going through this?? Is it just that when the "right guy" comes along It'll just click and work itself out on its own?? I don’t know, but I'm getting upset over it and I feel like its my fault or something.

I remember your previous posts on the other boards, and it seems that you have some deep seated insecurities. Have you done anything to work through them and develop your self esteem? Taking a break from dating is necessary from time to time, but that time should be used well.
Hon, until you are truly emotionally healthy, you will find dating to be hard and painful. I hope you will put at least as much effort in yourself as you do in dating. Its hard work, but so very worth it.
Toni
But that's just Toni's point, I believe--it's all related. You won't attract healthy until you are healthy and with all due respect, based on your previous posts, it's going to take longer than a few months for you to get to that place.
Have you ever heard the saying "Rejection is God's protection"? I have a feeling that is what's going on here. Perhaps your higher power knows you're not ready.
Keep working on yourself (I sincerely hope you are still in counseling) and consider taking a longer break from dating. If you don't want to do that, then accept that you're going to encounter a lot of first dates that don't go anywhere and that's for the best because someone who is going to be attracted to you as you are now is not likely to be someone who is good for you. But maybe you can be comfortable with that and just look on it as "practice" for the time when you ARE ready.
Sheri
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yes - its was my point. I hope the OP used the time to herself well. I'm not aware of anyone with deeply rooted insecurities to have them just disappearing without doing some kind of emotional work. It can take a VERY long time to unseat them and to relearn to interact with others in a more balanced and effective way.
Unless a person invests the time and energy in correcting their own personal issues while not dating, 'not dating' in and of itself will not change how they view themselves or their approach to dating/relating, which absolutely affects the vibe they give off and how others perceive them. Given the OP's past, I think its pertinent to understand what she's doing to develop her esteem and self worth. I'm not clear that she has or is doing anything to identify and resolve the root causes of her insecurity and low self worth.
Toni
Hey yellowlablover1, how goes it? Nice to see you are ready to step back into the arena. Hopefully that creep you were seeing in another state is long gone from your life. It seems as though you and Paula Abdul have a similar dilemma. She told Dr. Phil that the feedback she has gotten from guys is that she makes a "great first date". That's a helluva compliment (not). After not finding a good guy she ends up sleeping with a contestant on American Idol, what a set up that was.
Take it in stride. Dating sucks. It is the work you do in order to find the person you connect with in life. I don't date for the sake of dating. I would rather stay home than have some guy with whom I don't connect buy me dinner.
When the right guy comes along things will seem less trying and it will flow better.
Maybe you can join something (like a club, or a gym or a hobby type group - like hiking) where you'll meet people and the atmosphere is more relaxed.
I know what you're going through. I did the exact same thing - took two years off from dating because a guy had screwed with my head so much that I didn't feel I could trust anyone. I also wanted to concentrate on myself some and figure out who I was. So, after two years without anything, I got back into the dating scene and experienced much of what you do. Only I seem to get a lot of guys who consider me nothing more than a friend with benefits. Of course they tell you that afterwards. I've also had a couple of first dates that seemed great but went nowhere for whatever reason. I found it incredibly frustrating because I didn't want to take anymore time off from dating. I've spent most of my life alone, never having a lot of luck as far as relationships go. I have a lot of friends telling me how pretty I am and that I have such a great personality but it seems no one wants to go out with me sometimes.
If I were you, I'd keep on dating. You're going to have a lot of sh*t happen to you and you're not always going to get closure. But I think that's something we need to experience in order to truly appreciate the right one who comes along. It seems rough now, but eventually you'll realize that everything does happen for a reason and these dead end dates will bounce off of you. Keep your head up and remember you're not alone.