new to asking others for help

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
new to asking others for help
3
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 9:41am
Hi, this is my first time using a chat board or message board. Talking to my family or friends is hard because it is hard for them not to be biased and I think they are tired of hearing it or I am tired of bothering them.

It is about my ex-boyfriend of 3 1/2 years of course. We seemed happy and talked of a future all the time, alwats together BUT we broke up a couple months ago. We split up because he is always breaking up with me. I would say twice we should have but the others could have been fixed with a conversation but we don't talk about things really. he just tells me it is over. We talked of marriage too, we are old enough, have our own homes and looked at rings one time but he never asked. I would ask why not and he would not answer. he doesn't answer questions he does not like. My first question is why would he not ask em after being with me for 3 1/2 years, the first year was hard for us but why not the last year together, does it mean that he was scared or not ready but then why talk about it all the time, more then I. My other question is he wanst to try again and he is saying everything right, everything a gilr would want to hear. There is another post that I saw similar to what i am asking and saw a reply about anyoone can say anthing so it makes me think of actions. I don't feel his actions are matching with his speech. He waits awhiel to reply to me, wouldn't you find 5 seconds to get back to the gilr you love, he says I need to figure out if I could eb with again there is nothing he can do and I somewhat agree but how do you build security in them if they are not around to help, right? We are not together I don't know what he does. I don't know what to do.

Should I take his not fighting for me as a sign that he does not love me as I would hope as I would. I would fight for him so much when we were not together but he just doesn't. he may leave a loving message or email but that is it. If during our three years together he wouold always break up with me should I take it as asign he always will or that maybe I am not the one for him even though he says I am? he says he will never leave me agai, he promises and that he dealt with that anger so he won't do that anymore, should I believe him? Just three weeks ago in one weekend he told me that he didn't see how we would work, nothing has chnaged then two days later he said sorry and he wants a life with me then the next day he said it probably would not work but now he is saying everything right. Does he love me but not the right way, would he leave agin since that is our past. He is approaching 30, is this how a 30 year old would act?

I am looking for any advice because it interferes with everything in my life. It is hard to work, to concentrate, I get upset and wonder why he did not call. He says he can't talk and be open about his daily life because it is painful since wemay not be together and I agree but if you want someone isn't that a necessity. I always felt inside that he did not love me the same as I for him. Would he chnage? Would he stay the same? Wouldn't you expect him to "fight" more? Am I not what i thought I was to him? he is always busy to respond but why is that everyone else like may parents or ex boyfriend of even myyself can find 10 seconds in a workday but he can't. I know he is busy but wouldn't the one be the nost important thing in your life or I am just living in a fairy tale world.

I hope you can help and I hope I didn't write too much on this board. Thank you ladies!!!

Signed,

imixedup

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 11:37am
HI,

I am sorry to post again but I was really looking for some advice. I really don't know how to take this and he says he acres and would be with me but I still feel the way I did in the message I posted.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 3:01pm
If he keeps repeatedly breaking up with you, ask yourself if you want to keep going through that. Its not fair to you. You have to take a stand for yourself, and say to him "enough". Quit wondering why he isn't calling, just get busy and go date someone else. If you meet someone you REALLY like, you will forget all about him. He won't have any power over you anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 4:49pm
easier said then done but you are right and actually I told him I didnt want to be with him anymore instead of using some excuse like the past hurts or i cant get over things i just told him that i didnt want to be with him that i was tired and not going to be number 2 anymore toi everything else in his life and that i was tired of being some dorrmat because that is how I felt. Everyone is talking abou the new book"he's just into you" and there are posts about it and i started telling myself that and it did help because instead of asking how he can do this I just said that he doesnt care and just deal with that. It sucks though knowing somoene you put so much time and emotion inot doesnt feel the same. What i will never understadn is how a guy will do this or why when he cant possibly respect the girl or care as he should. I read somewhere else that they do ut becasue they can, we let them, or becasue they need a companion like when they need a gilr they call on us or need something they can give, basically for selfish reasons. I could not do this to someone.

My favorite is when they blame you for leaving because they didnt care for you in the right way. I may never hear from him again but if I do that if he calls I know what he will say, he will say I am the screwed up one, I am the one wholost, I never cared or who do I think I am for saying that. I just dont get how they can be successful at work and in life and not be some guy out of highschool where thya hve some experinece and have that mentality.