New dating dilemma---your thoughts please

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2013
New dating dilemma---your thoughts please
8
Fri, 10-04-2013 - 2:35pm

Here's is my new dating situation....

I was introduced to this guy by friends.  My friends know that I am now at that stage in my life (I'm 34) where I prefer commitment over dating guys who are not sure of what they want in life.  My friends knew that this guy is ready to get into a serious relationship.  They thought we would match and so I said I don't mind trying it out and getting to know him.

I've had about 7-8 phone conversations with this guy.  He has a busy career and so do I, but he makes it a point to find out when I'm free and calls.  What's refreshing is that we've had great conversations.  I sense maturity in the conversation (he is 37), well most of the times =)  This hasn't happened to me in a long time!  I actually feel like he is a good guy, I feel a connect.  So the here is what is bothering me...

1.  I want to meet in person soon, but due to his busy schedule it looks like he might not be able to meet me for another 2-3 months (he lives in a city about 4 hours away).  In the meantime, he wants to keep on calling me...once the conversation became presumptuous and I stopped it, eventhough I would have gotten carried away too because I didn't feel completely uncomfortable.  But today when I think about it , I am glad that I stopped it because I feel like phone conversations cannot replace what can happen in reality or till we meet in person.  He might not like me when he meets me.  Though he did mention that he prefers the emotional connect over physicality. We've only seen each others pictures.

2.  He is the one who always initiates phone calls.  Should I be proactive as well?  Don't get me wrong,  I enjoy being pursued like any other woman.  I'm just not sure because after dating and talking with so many people, this situation is different and I don't want him to feel like he is the only one who has to call or contact.

I appreciate your thoughts on this!

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 10-05-2013 - 9:55am

I would find it annoying to have to wait that long to meet someone.  I think you are very intelligent not to get into anything sexual or too romantic on the phone.  I think on the one hand you can discuss a lot of things on the phone that will enable you to get to know what he is like but it's also not a substitute for meeting in person--that elusive "chemistry" that people can't define!  But really does he work weekends?  Is he a dad who has his kids EOW?  I mean 4 hours isn't next door, but he only needs 2 days--he could even come & go in 1 day but that's a lot of driving.  What I don't think you should do is put your life on hold--yes, keep talking to him but do the things you were doing, like going out with your friends and even dating others until you actually meet him.

And since you have had several conversations, I think it's ok for you to call him too.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2013
Mon, 10-07-2013 - 10:03am

I would be proactive and call as well, if you are interested in pursuing this and seeing where it will lead.  If he is the only one calling he might start thinking that you are not interested in him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 10-08-2013 - 8:14am

  'I want to meet in person soon, but due to his busy schedule it looks like he might not be able to meet me for another 2-3 months (he lives in a city about 4 hours away).'

How does he explain not being able to just meet up half way through one Satruday afternoon? No obligations, not a heavy hotel weekend or anything, just meeting for a drink in a city between where you live? No matter how busy - he can do this. He's not the president of the US. I'd find this suspicious. It's just childish and a waste of your time really, all  these phone conversations and correspondence without actually knowing whom it is you are talking to. You've created an image in your head and so has he - you don't really have a first idea what he's really like and he neither. The only way to go forward from here is to meet in person. If he resist any longer..I'd just drop the whole thing. At 37 and 34..come on. You meet, you either like each other or you don't and you go from there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Fri, 10-11-2013 - 2:26am

I like the idea about meeting halfway.

His busy schedule---is it going to change significantly in 2-3 months (the time when he will be available to see you)? If that's his usual degree of busyness then when will he ever have time to see you? I think I would want to find out if his time will open up enough for him to really pursue a relationship, before letting things progress much further.

And I think its fine for you to call him sometimes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2013
Sat, 10-12-2013 - 10:02am

Thanks for your response.  He is not a dad, but yes he does work weekends.  He started a new business about a year ago and says that things are finally getting to a point of stabalizing.  He would now be able to spare more time to social activities and hobbies in couple of months.  I did call him the next time =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2013
Sat, 10-12-2013 - 10:03am

Thank you.  I did call him the next time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2013
Sat, 10-12-2013 - 10:08am

I did mention a day trip to him and he explained that he truly is working weekends due to a new business start up about a year ago.  He said things are getting better and he plans to slow down in couple of months.  I agree with you when you say that we can end up creating images in our head without meeting.  So I have mentioned to him once to meet me up and now I do not plan to ask again.  He will have to say plan and let me know when he is ready.  In the meantime, the phone conversations have reduced to once or twice a week now.  Thanks for your thoughts!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2013
Sat, 10-12-2013 - 10:18am

In my last conversation with him, he mentioned that he plans to slow down.  And I agree with you, I do not plan to pursue or be pursued unless we meet.  I have already expressed to him that I would like to meet sooner than later.  And like MusicLover12 said, I am not waiting around and enjoying time with friends and meeting other people.  As it is the phone calls have now been reduced to once/twice a week.  I am not holding my breath, but keeping the contact going to find out his intentions.  I think I will give this a deadline till December.  Sharing and hearing thoughts from everyone is really helpful!