New to Dating ... Scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2000
New to Dating ... Scared
17
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 1:54am

I am 42 and have never dated, I guess you would call it serial monogamy, relationships that grew out of friendships or work-relationships, but no real dating finding out if you're compatible, etc. Last relationship was 10 years long.

I went out on my first real date and then a second ... we talked on the second date from 7PM to midnight, he asked me what I liked to do, started planning future dates, kissing, etc. I called and thanked him for the date the next day and he called me back, we spoke for an hour or two. I thought we connected and then nothing, he didn't call or respond to an email I sent so I let it go. I am trying not to waste a lot of energy on figuring out what happen, but it was so unexpected and rude to not even send an email saying he wasn't interested. My pride was hurt a bit, but the thought of this over and over scares me.

Are their questions one is suppose to ask upfront about expectations or dating protocol?

Thanks for reading.

Toni

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2000
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 1:56am
When I wrote kissing and etc .. I meant hugging, nothing more.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 2:08am

Welcome to the wonderful world of dating ;-). For better or worse, what you experienced is VERY common, so hopefully you didn't take it personally. Many people don't think it's necessary to say they aren't interested if you've only had a few dates.

For future reference, be cautious if a guy starts making all sorts of future plans right away (that's a sign he's in fantasy mode, not reality), and unless you forgot your manners and didn't thank the guy while you were on the date, don't call or email to say thank you *again*. He'll get in touch if he's interested, and if you contact him, it gives you a skewed perspective on his interest, because he may just respond to be polite.

As far as upfront questions, I always find out on the 1st or 2nd date what type of relationship the guy is looking for *in general* (not specifically with ME, obviously; it's too soon for that). If we're not on the same page with the type of relationship we want, I don't continue to see him.

Sheri

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Registered: 04-01-2000
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 9:16am

Thanks Sheri.

I guess this is reality, manners out-the-window. Sorry, I believe in the thanking over the phone or email after the date , old fashion manners but that's me. I still send thank-you cards for gifts. You are absolutely on target about asking what type of relationship their looking for in general, I should also be clear with them (I want to just date for awhile, enjoying being single). You are so right about the future talk, he was in a fantasy, he was so my type (brains, sense of humor, looks, & style) that I was in a fantasy too. Thanks again Sheri.

Toni

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 11:05am

I understand where you're coming from, but manners can be satisfied by thanking him sincerely at the end of the date. Thanking him afterward can look like you're fishing for another date, and you can't get a true sense of whether he's really interested if you contact him first. There's also that very old-fashioned notion that HE should be thanking YOU for spending time with him (not the other way around), eh ;-)?

Sheri

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Registered: 04-01-2000
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 1:04pm
We each are entitled to our own opinions and have the ability to exercise free will. I have no desire to change your opinion or tell you what is right or wrong, not so sure why you feel differently and are pressing this point??? I came to this board for sharing of experiences and support, nothing more.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 2:46pm

Wow!!! I'm a little taken aback by your response. My intention was just to have a friendly conversation about it...like we would if we were conversing in person. I have no agenda to persuade you of anything...I was just sharing a different perspective that I hadn't mentioned in my previous post.

I apologize if I offended you...it wasn't my intent in the slightest. If anything, my tone was meant to be rather light-hearted. I don't know what else to say.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 3:24pm

Gosh! I know Sheri well from these boards and she NEVER means to give offense or convince anyone of something if they are dead set against something.

However, I personally have to agree with her. I think your wish to follow up with a thank you is wonderful. But you have 1) never really been in the dating game and 2) been completely out of the game for 10 years and the onset of online and more casual encounters has come about since then. In this day and age with all that going on, the old fashioned approach generally doesn't work so well. I think a sincere, honest "Thank you for (dinner, the movie, the date). I had a wonderful time!" is perfectly adequate. When you continue to follow up with another thank you, you do look like you are fishing and as Sheri said, you might get the response out of his sense of obligation now that you are talking to him. I always remember an episode of Friends where Chandler really doesn't want to go out with this woman but she "pursues" him (so to speak) by calling him, talking to him again and saying thank you. What he really wants to do it break it off, but he always winds up with "OK, great! I'll call ya!" You think you are being polite by calling and he returns the politeness by asking you out again when he might not actually want to.

I hope you're not offended. It's not meant that way at all. It's just coming from people that have a LOT of experience in these first few meetings and finding out what really seems to work best. Sometimes, the old fashioned manners really aren't what works. It's letting him chase you and express his interest. What works in the regular world often doesn't work in dating relationships. Good luck.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

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Registered: 04-01-2000
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 9:53pm

I moved on from him not calling in about two days, it was two dates not two years. I have been on these boards for a several years on & off, not the dating boards since I was in a relationship. I like the boards because I like different points of view, this is the first time that having a different point of view caused such a reaction. I watch very little TV and have never seen Friends so I have no comment on that.

My thoughts are if my calling him for the first time in the month I knew him turned him off to such a degree then he wasn't that interested in me the first place. My first rule is that men have to be 100% interested in being with me. I believe a man who is 100% interested would have appreciated the call he just wasn't interested, which is OK, other men have been and will be. It took me over a week to agree to the first date as I wasn't certain I was ready for all of this, it's only been a year since I asked my ex to move-out and 10.5 years is a long time. I did learn that I am ready which is a good thing.

I still think it's bad manners not to send even an email stating you're not interested as I have always told men I wasn't interested in person, via email or phone, both in and out of relationship, it's respectful.

I thought most of Sheri's advice was so on target but the focus on the phone call well it mystifies me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 10:25am

I definitely agree, especially on the part about that it's respectful to call or shoot an email if you're not interested. But I think the world of OLD and more high-tech and casual ways of meeting people have caused the practice of "ghosting" (vanishing without a trace) to increase exponentially. Not that it didn't happen before then (I've had two boyfriends suddenly just become really "busy" and distant and vanish), and it's a shame that we can't expect the same good manners that we practice ourselves from others. But it's a rude world these days and it's unfortunate but it happens.

And I'm not saying it was the phone call that turned him off and made him not like you. What I am saying is that for whatever reason, he may not have felt it but when you called, he might have felt the need to be polite, chat with you and thus wind up asking you out again. It's a completely chicken way out to just not talk to someone again but it happens all the time. So many times, I hear someone say "I just don't want to hurt them!". No, it has very little to do with that - they don't want to put themself in an uncomfortable position of telling someone that they are not interested. People avoid confrontation (even minor ones) like the plague.

If I've been out on a few or more dates with someone, I prefer a quick "thanks but I don't think this is going to work". But if it's been one or two and I simply don't hear from them again - that's answer enough for me. Maybe not the most polite way of handling things, but it's the way it works. Unfortunately, we can't impress our own standards of courtesy and respect on others. Absolutely it's respectful, but so many people are not these days. And yes, through his actions, he proved to not be right for you anyway.

I am sure it was nothing personal on his part, but in this new and crazy world of casual meets/dating and OLD, this stuff happens all the time so you can't let it get to you. It does sound like you are ready to date but unfortunately, I bet this will happen again. Best of luck.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2000
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 10:54pm

Well, he didn't ask me out again after I called ... I called after our second and final date, so not sure how a call I didn't make forced him out of politeness to ask me out for a second???

Honestly, I am much more concerned with my feelings than his, if my calling and talking with him was such an imposition ... and any man I meet in the future who feels the same, I am better off without them. I can't waste time on men who lack common decency and respect. I am not going to waste hours trying to read this guy's mind or any other man's, it's impossible.

His not calling me or asking me out, hurt my pride, but my pride also gets hurt when I am not picked first for a game of pickup basketball at the gym, I get over it - put it into perspective. I work regularly on being too prideful and egotistical, not my best qualities.

For me the purpose of dating is to figure out if the man is is a kind, decent, respectful and loving person, who I want to spend more time with. These requirements are non-negotiable for me. Your forecast that men are going to ghost on me with regularity well not sure if you're wishing that on me or warning, probably a combination of the two. This is my last post on this issue.

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