New to Dating ... Scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2000
New to Dating ... Scared
17
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 1:54am

I am 42 and have never dated, I guess you would call it serial monogamy, relationships that grew out of friendships or work-relationships, but no real dating finding out if you're compatible, etc. Last relationship was 10 years long.

I went out on my first real date and then a second ... we talked on the second date from 7PM to midnight, he asked me what I liked to do, started planning future dates, kissing, etc. I called and thanked him for the date the next day and he called me back, we spoke for an hour or two. I thought we connected and then nothing, he didn't call or respond to an email I sent so I let it go. I am trying not to waste a lot of energy on figuring out what happen, but it was so unexpected and rude to not even send an email saying he wasn't interested. My pride was hurt a bit, but the thought of this over and over scares me.

Are their questions one is suppose to ask upfront about expectations or dating protocol?

Thanks for reading.

Toni

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 12:31pm

No, absolutely meant as a warning!! I would never wish that on anyone! Don't misunderstand me - I am not a malicious or cruel person and quite frankly it hurts my pride and feelings that you think I would be so horrible as to wish that on you.

I'm simply saying that the "rules" have changed since you were in the dating game. You've been out of this scene for a long time and since then OLD has come into the mix which I think has changed things for both the better and the worse. You should be able to find what you are looking for and keep searching until you find it. If manners are a deal breaker for you, as I mentioned, these guys that vanish on you without a trace are obviously not for you.

I sincerely mean good luck but do watch out for these things and try not to let it affect you personally. I used to take ghosting really hard, but I have had to learn that it is an unfortunate situation and in fact have gotten to the point where I prefer that a guy just vanish if we've only gone out once or twice and he just doesn't call again. It hurts my pride more if he gives me the call "I just don't think it's there" when I already know that. Strange but true.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Sun, 01-29-2006 - 10:18am

Very interesting thread. I'm 40 and I've been dating online and through common interest groups for several years now. I've experienced a lot of this 'ghosting', which I find particularly amusing when you are both in a common interest group and you keep bumping into each other later. What do they think, they're invisible? Of course you're going to see them again, and it's always uncomfortable. This is where the ghosting tactic is ridiculous!!

Since I'm a great believer in good karma, I always try to smooth things over, even though I may have absolutely no interest in further relations with the guy. For instance if he ghosts and I bump into him I make polite conversation and leave it at that, instead of totally ignoring him, which I think is childish but is really what people do these days. And if I'm not interested I try to be as straightforward as possible. Just two days ago I told a guy flat out, as nicely as possible, that I wasn't interested in meeting him for lunch because we didn't seem to have much in common, and that was after just one IM and one phone call. And I survived. I wish more people felt this way. We are all part of a singles community trying to learn about one another...why be lazy and mean about it?

I agree that we can't change the way people are...but I just thought I'd say my piece. I'd also like to add that I, like you Toni, don't watch TV and am therefore blissfully unaware of how mass media perpetuates the myth that this type of behavior is acceptable, which I think is damaging in a subtle sneaky way. But alas, I'm well used to it now, and I've learned to be content with the fact that I can look at myself in the mirror knowing I have more class than most and I've built up a lot of good karma on my side!

Cheers to you Toni...don't change a thing but don't expect anyone else to change, either. There are guys out there with class but they are few and far between. Your decency will weed out the losers.

Having said all that, I think calling someone to thank them after having already thanked them on the date is nice, but a little redundant...I personally wouldn't do it b/c it seems a little 'forced'. But that's just me. What I have done before though is call them up a few days later and ask them out for a second date, if I feel comfortable w/ the guy. And then we might just alternate asking each other out from then on. Depends on the guy, but a lot of the (esp) younger men or men that run with a younger crowd are totally cool with this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2005
Sun, 01-29-2006 - 10:18pm

Hello Toni,
In my opinion, I feel the reason for the 'don't call the guy as the rule of dating' applies so that we don't get ourselves hurt. In other words, we are protecting our feelings by not calling the guy, whether to thank him or just to have a chit chat.

Several years back,I have tried calling newly met guys before, and we did have great phone conversations. They said they would call me out for coffee, or when there was a bbq or something. I felt really happy when they sounded positive. BUT then, guess what, they ghosted!! I was really hurt and puzzled: why did they sound so nice over the phone, but vanished just like that? How rude!

As time passed, I've learnt my lesson. Now, I don't call guys anymore (even though I do get tempted to). They will call me if they are interested. In fact, some guys have sms-ed to thank ME for the date with them. And when I thanked a few guys at the end of the date itself, they said, 'thank YOU'. So I agree with Sheri, they do thank US in spending time with them.

It is really nice courtesy to thank the guy the next day after a date, but you might at the same time unconsciously have 'hopes' on the guy, hoping he'd like u and ask u out again. Of course this may not apply to u or everyone, but we women are emotional. And when these guys disappear, we get upset.

I do agree with all the posters here that, unfortunately, it is common these days for men to ghost on women. I do wish some of these men weren't so rude, but perhaps they really do not want to be caught in a difficult situation where they have to directly turn a woman down.
I do not mean this in a negative way, but please be prepared for 'rude men' when you're in the dating game, only so that you do not get yourself hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2000
Sun, 01-29-2006 - 11:04pm

Thanks for all of your replies. After that dating adventure or misadventure, I met a nice man at Costco on 1-19-06, exchanged email accounts, I had an email by the time I arrived home. We've been out a few nights every week since. I took the advice from the board and asked what type of relationship he was interested in having at this point in his life, he had the same question for me, asked his expectations for the early stages of dating, and listened for my deal breakers during dates and phone calls. I am also seeing a man from the gym who I met around the same time. I am having fun with both of them , but doubt if it's going to be longterm with either of them. Chemistry (physical) is there but the mind/soul connection isn't totally there.

Being out of a long term relationship (10+years) doesn't make me anxious to jump back-in. However, I do enjoy the company of men. After years of being half of couple, I still am figuring out who I am, basically I lost myself, I don't want to do that again, took me a year to recover.

The wise sage where I work (he is such an amazing person - devout Buddhist) and I were talking about this whole dating world. He said I have to risk and that I'm not going to die from the hurt or pain. He warned me it's the fantasy that causes the hurt not the reality, what you wished or dreamed of with this person, because the reality is he's not all that great or right for me. If he were it would have worked out.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 8:41am
It sounds like you are expecting quite a bit (mind/soul connection) from these rather random encounters!! It's almost guaranteed to be a superficial connection. Why not tip the odds in your favor and create situations where you stand to have more in common with people you meet, e.g., attend religious services, join a special interest club, take a class that interests you? Also it helps to make friends (men or women) with other single people on the dating scene. It will give you perspective and you can inform each other about places to meet singles, and even attend things together.


Edited 1/31/2006 8:44 am ET by goddess_juju
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 1:37pm

Okay, I respect everyone's views. I believe everyone has their own ideas about things based on their own experiences. But personally, I feel you should do what feels most comfortable and right to you. Thanking in person right after a date and not contacting AGAIN, is a GREAT idea. But I also feel that if you feel comfortable and in sync with the person, and you are feeling free to contact, shoot him an e-mail! (A super short one, JUST saying thanks, that's it, but again, be yourself....and add or subtract whatever you want to. You should be yourself. Becoz it is YOU. He should see your own unique individuality)I have done this before, and I have felt good about it, regardless of whether another date worked out or not. But few people in the world WONT appreciate a thank you e-mail. If they are not interested, they will simply write in their response that they are not. Others might ignore, and still others, would reply back with interest. There was also a time a person didn't reply, but that was because he wasn't an email person. He just called. Don't count on anything. You did what you really felt like, not because of custom or tradition, because you felt right doing it.

And if you must call to say thanks, keep the phonecall really short. Say you just called to say Thanks .. maybe a little how are you...and what's up, and then quite casually say you must get going. This way, the talk isn't prolonged and he doesn't come under any kind of pressure to make a decision for a next date! So, be sensitive to that. Remind him of your number. That is all! And then, get busy in your life. I think things lies in showing your genuine interest, and then taking a step back, so HE gets a chance to show HIS interest. So he also knows you are a woman who knows how to give space to a man. Just do not smother him, howevermuch you like him. Give him a chance to miss you too.

Not sure if my answer made complete sense. It's just the way I think about things...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2000
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 9:18pm

Made perfect sense to me. I can only be who I am, and man who doesn't appreciate me for me, I say "don't waste the pretty" and move on.

I did alot of adapting in my last relationship, adapted to the point I lost myself and over the years 10, 11, & 12 I resented that I made all of those concessions. It took me a year to get myself back after leaving my ex. I was totally lost. I am finally OK with me.

Both of the men I've been dating are cool with me emailing or calling, one of them actually thought I didn't like him because I didn't email or call much. I don't chase men, but I believe after a connection is made it's fine to call or email. Men who aren't OK with that just aren't interested in me and that's cool too.

Toni

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