New interest in an old friend
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| Sun, 10-22-2006 - 9:02am |
Hi,
I have been friends with this guy since we were 14 (we are now 36). When I say friends, I mean friends, just friends, not best friends nor have we ever dated. Over the years we have stayed in touch, first by letters and cards, later by email and phone calls. The frequency of communication and the number of times we see each other per year has fluctuated, but has increased over the past 2 years. Best guess from corresponding about 5 times a year and meeting up once per year to corresponding every other week or so and seeing each other about 10 times per year (mostly during golf season).
We get a long extremely well and he is a great guy. Very caring about people in general. This is consistent with personality type of my male friends, but of course silly me has a history of dating bad boys instead. We very rarely discuss any aspect of our romantic lives. If there is someone serious, we mention it, but that is it.
For 20+ years, I have been asked by family and friends why I have never dated him. I am guessing he has gotten the same line of questioning, but again we have never discussed that. Over the years, I have had many light-hearted quips for responses, I really have run out one-liners. I am only human, of course I have thought about what it would be like to date him over the years, but never all that seriously...until now.
Our visits usually involve an activity like golf or a ball game and are very lighthearted. We catch up on family and friends, work etc. We always meet during the day time since he is a nurse who works in the evenings. He always drives down to see me and usually stops by his Dad's on the way out. Our last couple of visits have ended a bit uncomfortably - with some sort of tension.
Recently, I was laid off from my job and am looking for a new one. Little worried about my mortgage payments, so things are different for me. I have learned that you learn alot about your friends when you are in this position. He has been great. I have done a little venting to him (something I never did before) and he has been very helpful and comforting by being there and lightening my down days with a little humor. He had been laid of a few years ago so knows what I am going through.
We still have fun when we get together, but towards the end of the activity, things get a bit quiet and then all of a sudden he gives me a hug and leaves. He asks me to email him something on his way out (this time status of an interview I was going to that day and some job info for a friend of his).
I am old fashioned in many ways and not in others. I would prefer he make a move, but that may never happen. Of course, he may not have any interest at all. At first I thought the new tension was maybe that he was uncomfortable and didn't necessarily want to even continue our friendship, but was too nice to say something, but he keeps asking me to contact him about something. However, most men interested in more often. I hear from him about once a week now, more often then ever. He generally initiates when we get together and has taken to paying for everything (I do try to pay - it started right before I was laid off).
Not sure if I should do anything or not. What do you think? Sorry this is so wordy.

It's really hard to say, he may be paying because of your financial situation so it's hard to know whether he's just being nice or not. And he may just be being a friend, making sure you're ok and asking for you to contact him.
A possible idea... what if you brought up the topic of dating by using one of your friends/family and say "so and so asked me why we've never dated..." and see what his reaction is. But be careful to not answer the question yourself, the point would be to see where he stands. Other than that, the only way to know is to have a direct conversation about it.
Based on what you're saying though, it's really hard to tell. What does your gut say?
I agree he could be paying now because of my current situation, but he started before that. And yes, he could just be acting as a better friend then I noticed in the past. You really do see who your friends are when you lose a job or something similar.
You asked what my gut says and that is a tough one to describe. In the past whenever I had the inkling that maybe I should consider him as boyfriend material my gut was always very clear that he wasn't interested and in fairness I wasn't truly before either.
Now my gut is giving me mixed messages. Not sure how to describe it, but here is my best shot. It is as though he is either interested and waiting for me to say something to take things to another level. Or he is not interested and is debating whether to continue hanging out with me, not wanting to lead me on in any way. Something is just different.
Ok, here's my take... if you're not afraid of losing his friendship by bringing up that conversation, I would just directly ask him "have you ever thought of us getting together and having something more than a friendship?" And see where it goes. Based on your last response, my vibe is to play this straight...
What are you thinking about doing?
I a still trying to decide whether or not to do something at all. In my twenties the thought of initiating this type of conversation did not phase me in the least. Sometimes went well other times not so well. Now in my thirties it seems more difficult.
I probably won't hear from him for about a week so it will give me a little more time to decide what to do. For me that is probably a bad things since I now have time to think too much about this. Really not sure when I became so wimpy...
I wouldn't think of yourself as wimpy, there's a lot to risk here. Personally though I've made enough mistakes to realize that life is worth living and not running scared, you know? What's the worst that can happen? You lose him? But then was he really a friend?
I don't know... lately I've been thinking about how we go around only once, so why not make the most out of it and take a lot of risks, so long as the risks aren't detrimental to us or the ones we love.
Very well said.
Funny, I will jump out of an airplane, but a conversation makes me think twice. I think I will say something next time I talk to him.
Wish me luck..
It's always hard when it comes to matters of the heart. Someone once told me that being vulnerable is the greatest risk someone can take (bigger than jumping from an airplane), yet it can also be the most rewarding...
I'm crossing my fingers and toes for ya! Make sure you come back and tell us how it went.
Honestly, the hardest part of it all will be the first sentence... trust me, I've been there, done that and lived to tell the tale!
Still haven't actually seen him, just a few emails here and there - much more frequent than ever before. I was prepared to take the effort and say something about my new found interest. However, in his email today, he told me he has a new girlfriend. While it isn't the first time over our friendship he's dated people, but it is the first time, it has really thrown me for a loop. I was surprised by how much it hurt to read that and it was such an innocent conversation piece. In any event, I won't be saying anything to him when I see him again (probably around Thanksgiving).
Thanks for listening, I mean reading...
Meri