New Relationship and Anxious

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
New Relationship and Anxious
5
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 8:49pm

I have recently started dating after ending a 4 year relationship (6 months ago) that ended very badly. I have been brutally honest about my past relationship, and he seems okay with it. In fact he took it all in very well. I really like him. We met on dating site. We talked via email/IM for week, then by phone for another week. Then we went on 2 dates last week and another date this week. Last night when he dropped me off, we kissed for the first time. I was a bit nervous, I really wanted, but felt nervous. I know I held back a little a bit.

Well, I suffer from anxiety. I am medication for it. He knows this also...of course he is taking one of the medication I take also. But I find myself worrying over stuff...did he enjoy the kiss, did he sense my nervousness, does he really like me or just want to have sex....I could go on and on. Today I just asked outright, how was the kiss? He asked why I asked...of course it was...I said I was nervous and just wasn't sure how far to go and that I don't want to put out the slutty vibe, but wanted to show affection. Should I have not done that? Is that a turn off? How do I keep my worries down? Is it too soon? I really like him....I just hate worrying...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 1:46am

Are you also in counseling to address your anxiety issues? It seems that working with a good counselor (particular one who uses cognitive techniques) could really be of help to you in learning behavioral modifications and techniques to manage your anxiety.

One thing I do when I start to get anxious about whether I've done something "wrong" is remember is that you *cannot* "scare off" a guy who's right for you--he'll be ok with your quirks. So if this guy is right for you, he'll roll with it. If he's not, he won't. Now, that said, you can increase the number of guys who might be right for you by dealing with your issues and becoming the most emotionally healthy person you can be.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 6:28am

Yes I am in therapy. I have been for 7 months. I went into therapy when I decided I needed to end my previous relationship. I was abusive and I ended up getting a protective order. I know that is part of this.

Last night he just asked me if I was insecure about stuff because of all that had happened before. I was honest and said yes, and explained what I had put on here earlier. He said trust him to tell me. Then he reassured me. He was very kind about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 10:06am
Just my two cents:)
I was very nervous starting out my current relationship also for different reasons. I think we are all nervous seekign out new love for one reason or another but I realize from your post that you have perhaps more anxiety than most. I think it is a wonderful idea to seek some counseling to work on these things whiel you continue the medication being prescribed. But when I was having trouble with anxiety at the beginning of my relationship, my counselor suggested the following.
Separate either in your head or on a piece of paper your fears into two columns. The first column is fear that is totally yours to own. This means fear that you can absolutely trace to your own past or history. The second column will be for fears that have popped up legitimately through this new relationship either through something you have encountered with him or something he said that stuck, an uncomfortable moment or conversation between you etc. Sometimes you will find a third column where you arent totally sure whether you can completely own it as yours singular or yours as a budding couple. This would be where good therapy is helpful.
One of the greatest things I have gotten through therapy is an enormous amount of self acceptance. It is completely valid for you to have anxiety stemming from your last abusive relationship. The key is to not let these past issues plague the current potential the two of you have. While I think it is healthy for him to be aware of your past and even that you recognize that there is anxiety stemming from it, I think you should limit his involvement in the healing process from this at least in the beginning of your courtship. I really think it is important to do individual work INDIVIDUALLY. Otherwise your new guy might feel overwhelmed in his new role. It seems to me that it would be very important for him to not only know about your issues but to see you actively taking charge of them and trying to work through them as you proceed in the relationship.
By the way, when I was addressing MY column ( and I still on occasion have to do this when stuff pops up), I would take time for a long walk by myself or journal. Exercise helped my anxiety immensely. Also, I confided in a good friend who has seen me through a lot of my history with past relationships and she was a great listener. That along with having my therapist has really gotten me where I am today which is in a very loving wonderful relationship. Just be patient with yourself and good luck!
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 11:04am

If you just had your first kiss after the third date, then it sounds to me like you're taking things relatively slow, which I think is a good thing. A lot of people rush into things, and then they realize the other person was not who they thought that were and regret it. If you go slow, you also assure yourself that he's not just using you for sex. He wouldn't put all that time in to talking with you and being with you if he was.

You should just relax. If you are a good match for each other, then something like one bad kiss is not going to make him lose interest in you. I really messed up my first kiss with my boyfriend, and we are still together six years later. If you are nervous about how he will treat you, then just give yourself time to get to know him and to ease into things. The nervousness about that will subside with time if he continues to show you that he is a good guy. I think it would also be a good idea to speak with your therapist about this the next time you see him or her. They may have some suggestions to help you control your worrying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 6:27pm

That is great advice. I guess I have never been in a normal healthy relationship, so in some ways I just don't know what to expect. I do have a lot of issues, none of which I am hiding from him. He seems to take it all in stride and when he does have an issue or question he asks me. I always answer honestly. That is one thing we having going for us so far, we are very honest.

I will make my list tomorrow. I see my therapist on Wednesday. Although we are doing something new to help deal with a previous issue.