New relationship dilemna
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| Sat, 11-20-2004 - 5:41pm |
I met a guy about a month and a half ago. He is perfect for what I want right now. He's 27, treats women with respect, thinks Im the best thing in the world. He is good looking. The issues I am having though are going to either push us apart or I am going to have to put them behind me. I am 25, just graduated. I am very goal oriented and school is important to me. He has a son who is 7 yrs old and is a great dad. I dont know if that is something I am ready for though. There are other things too: he only went to college for one year (he is in the air force), he grew up in a much different environment than me. He is pretty hip-hop and grew up in St. Louis around a slightly rougher crowd. You wouldnt know it, he hasnt been back there for 7 years and he is clean cut and well dressed. But I come from a family who puts the focus on education and I went to the best schools and have always been around more "yuppie" people. He is also 5' 7", I have always dated men that are 6' 3" or so which does effect things in the attraction category, for some reason with his height I have trouble seeing him as the "MAN".
The thing is though that when we talk we can talk for hours. He geniunely cares for me and thinks I am wonderful. He is looking to settle down and so am I. I am just worried that the fact that I am so goal oriented and he isnt will be an issue.
Ive been acting out, due to my confusion and we decided to spend some time apart so that I can get a clear head and see if we should be together. The thing is though that I am so sad without him around, I miss talking to him, I really do miss him.
Can we be together even though we are so different??? That is what is holding me back. He treats me better than anyone else ever has and he makes me feel so comfortable with myself. Most men before just seemed to make me feel flawed.
Any advice???? I am pretty confused and I need some objective feedback.
Thanks! Andrea

Hi,
You need to first distinguish whether you like him as a friend or romantically. From what you describe...it sounds like his friendship is what you really value. It's only been a month and a half since the two of you met and well you shouldn't be having such big issues during the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship...it's a tell tale sign of things to come. I feel that taking time apart was a good move...because that way you can work through your insecurities about him and discover whether they are real or superficial.
It's unfair to be with someone if you feel like there is someone better out there for you...cause you're signing him up for a relationship where "he'll never be good enough" in your eyes...be it height, social class differences, education, etc. If you truelly love him...then great...I do believe that opposites attract. But I also believe that if your feelings are genuine than these doubts will disappear...so time may be the best way to figure out what you should do.
The fact that he has a child is also something you need to consider...it's unfair to walk in and out of the child's life. It's also a huge responsibility if you're considering a future. So make sure you're certain...don't just cling to someone because they provide emotional support. Make sure it's love.
One thing that disturbed me is.."He treats me better than anyone else ever has and he makes me feel so comfortable with myself. Most men before just seemed to make me feel flawed." This quote makes me hesitate because before jumping into something long term you need to feel comfortable with yourself on your own...another person should not "complete" you but rather compliment you and your life. The fact that other men made you feel flawed...don't look to men for your self esteem...it comes from yourself. I don't mean to be harsh...but at one point I know I felt that way too and well it's hard to admit to oneself that there are issues of self esteem that need work.
You're acting out because your instinct is guiding you...something isn't right and you need time to figure it out. Of course you miss him...it's normal.
Overall, just be patient with yourself. Figure out your own worth first and then decide on your future. If you really love this guy...then it will somehow work out...but for now work on your own issues...do not make excuses to yourself to ignore your doubts. And don't use him as a "comfort" blanket...if you need time from him...then really take time from him to figure it out. Stay goal oriented! It's admirable to stay focused on your work and figure out the rest with time as well.
good luck:)