New...attracted to only very few guys?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
New...attracted to only very few guys?
3
Sat, 10-16-2004 - 1:21am
Hi, I'm new here...I'm not sure if this is the right place for me to post, since I'm not dating anyone and haven't for years...actually, I've never officially "dated" anyone... it's a long story! I'm almost 24 years old and in my first year of med school...and I have a long history of depression and various other emotional problems (very anxious socially, etc)...so I think those things have played a big part in my lack of relationships. I have been treated for depression for years (I often post on the "Depression Support" board here), but I think it may just have become a part of my personality.

Sorry to go off on kind of a tangent...I just thought that might help explain things a little. The social situation for me in med school hasn't gone well so far, and I have no real friends...I'm really making an effort now, though, so I hope that will change. My main question does actually have to do with dating, as off-topic as all this may sound (sorry!)...I'm kind of curious if what I'm experiencing is common, and maybe what I should do.

So one of the things that I wonder about is whether other people are like me and tend to see the large majority of guys (well, almost all guys) as just "brother"-type people, not at all attractive (I don't think they're ugly at all--actually there are a lot of nice-looking guys in my class--I just would have no interest in dating them, and the thought of ever kissing them or anything is really unappealing to me). But it seems like most people my age find many guys at least somewhat attractive...this is probably not something I can change about myself, but I'm just curious...do most girls find many guys attractive?

Sounds like a silly question, I guess. I've wondered before if I could be gay, but here's the thing...very rarely, I do find a guy who I am really shy around and find really attractive. It's odd, though...I think this has only happened to me about 3 times in my life before...and I ended up in a semi-romantic relationship with 2 of those people...at different times, of course (the one I didn't have a relationship with was really just a crush I had as a teen on an older guy...so it's good nothing happened!).

And now (this is the main reason I'm posting here), it's happened again...even though I've met hundreds of guys at school, there is only one that I find attractive...I have talked to him occasionally, but I have trouble acting "normal" around him (not incredibly shy or silly...it's funny, though, just seeing him makes me smile!). I'm definitely not a romantic person, as you can imagine, so this is pretty odd for me to feel this way.

There are a lot of reasons I'd be very wary of dating, though, especially someone in my class...I'd have to see him for 4 more years if it didn't work out...but mainly because I feel I have so many "issues" that I don't want to put another guy through them! (I really do have some kind of guilt problem...I felt like it was morally "wrong" for me to even kiss the guy I went out with in college!). So I guess I will try just to become better friends with this guy, and hope I can avoid trying to start a relationship.

So I guess I'm wondering if anyone has any advice about what to do, whether to try to pursue a romantic relationship if that's what happens (I get the feeling that he likes me too, but we are not even really close friends now, so I'm not going to just ask him out anytime soon).

I'm also curious if anyone else shares my lack of attraction to most people...but then a strong attraction to a very few guys. It's odd...most of the time I never even think about wanting a relationship...but whenever I see this one guy, I feel like I just really want him to hug me! I know that must sound really silly. I wonder why my feelings are so specific for one person...I have a few guy friends (well, acquaintances, really), and I have zero interest in ever dating them...some of them have girlfriends, and I wish I could explain to their girlfriends that I'm really not trying to "steal" their guys from them!

Thanks for listening...I know this post must sound kind of unusual!

Rose


Edited 10/16/2004 1:28 am ET ET by rosa444

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 10-16-2004 - 9:02am
You sound like an introvert. Those feelings are normal for an introvert. Since interacting with other people is draining for us, we really have to have a special fondness for someone to want to spend time with him/her. If those people you feel attracted to for friendship or romance have the same attraction for you, then you are very lucky. I can't give you any advice about getting a date. All I can say is I hope you have better luck than I've had! Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 12:48am
Thanks, Iri...good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I hope that it is just the fact that I'm an introvert (which I definitely am...I need my "alone time", and a lot of it!). I guess it just struck me as odd because my experience seems to be so different from other girls'...and from society as a whole...the idea that you can have a crush on many different guys (movie stars, singers, plus people in your "everyday" life) all at the same time, and be very attracted to all of them. I don't generally even find guys in magazines attractive...I guess since I don't know them personally...

Thanks a lot...that did help to know that I'm not totally alone in this,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 2:43am
hey rose:

this is elvis_in_silence. Hmmm...guess what? i am a guy with simialr type of problems...i havent had any dates in my life...i m 27...hmmm...interesting..and i am so afraid of gurls...especially if they are beautiful...they look like angels rather than human beings...yes...thats true...thats y i m out of gurls..not that i dont like them...but that the quality i m looking in a gurl are always so absent that very few gurls have attracted me...that give me the feeling to hold them in the arms...yeah...never had a gurl in the arms...i bet it feels good...but i donno that...not that i m dieing for that...its more of the emotions of the heart rather than the looks...ofcourse i appreciate beauty...but its meaningless without the heart...isnt it? so until i find a gurl that i havent known for a long time...its hard to get attached to anyone...for me...and depression...oh...my childhood passed in depressoin bcoz my mom-dad had a bad relationship...it affected a lot...and that makes me introvert as well...my friend is just talking to me...saying that having a relationship is sooooooo complicated...he was quite tensed all the time...now that it is over (he had a realtionship)...he is relaxed...some of us wont probably be able to have relationships like others do...just imagine...being guys how unusual it is that we cant have a gurl in our lives...lifes so funny...ha...ha...ha....

so thats my part of the story...didnt think a gurl would be like you out there...

thnx