Next Steps??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2004
Next Steps??
2
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 2:52pm
For the past four years, I have participated in a "friends with benefits" relationship with a guy. I'm 31, he's 36. We hung out a lot, dinner, movies, etc, had sex a lot and were good friends. It was a simple relationship becuase neither of us put any pressure on the other for anything more. Two years ago, he decides to quit his job and move eight hours away to finish his master's degree. Right before he left, things got bad, I accused him of using me, I felt it was only about sex, we didn't ever leave the bedroom, etc. A lot of time it was one of us sitting around wondering why the other never called to go out anymore. It got silly and strange and we didn't even see each other for six months before he left, we talked, but didn't get together at all.

In the final six months he's been gone, we spent a tremendous amount of time talking via email and telephone. We've sorted out a lot of the feelings we both had while the sex relationship was going on. We talked a lot of stuff out and eventually, started up the sexual relationship again, with no expectations of anything more. Now he's back home for good. At this point, I feel like I want a "normal" relationship, more than just sex and friends, however normal is defined these days. :) I'm wondering how to take the next step? We talk about feelings, our future, etc., but I really couldn't predict how he would respond. I am not ready to say I love you, but I also don't want to not show enough interest that he will eventially meet someone else, but I'm not really ready for marriage either. How should I approach that subject with him? What is the next step? I just feel like I need to say, "let's give this a try" - I'm prepared for either response from him. Any thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
In reply to: luap1168
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 3:31pm
The two of you have been involved in a friends with benefits relationship for so long, why would he want to change that? I get the feeling that you have been going along with this hoping that one day things would change. Well, they may change, when he finds someone that he does want to be with. Right now he's happy having sex whenever he wants without having to commit to anything. When you start talking to him about a REAL relationship, he may bolt. That's not the agreement you've had til now.

You need to stop this and move on to someone who wants to be with you and has respect for you. Don't waste anymore time waiting on someone who only wants sex. You will not be able to find mr. right while sleeping with mr. wrong. Am I wrong to assume that you have not dated anyone in the last 4 years since you have been sleeping with this guy? Can you say the same for him?

I say this because I lost a friendship over a guy. She was friends with benefits with this guy and was just waiting til he wanted a relationship. Well, I had a talk with this guy one day, and he told me straight out that he "liked having sex with her but was just waiting for something better to come along". She would not believe me when I told her, since this guy denied ever telling me this. She believed HIM.

I hope you get what you want.

Alison

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: luap1168
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 3:56pm
Stop sleeping with him, ask him for a date...and ask him if he's interesting in pursuing dating AND sex in order to determine if a relationship is something you two could have?

You see, it is unlikely that he WANTS a relationship - with anybody. That is why this FWB works for him.

He likes the sex, he likes hte companionship, he likes hte no-obligation involved, he likes being able to consider his needs, wants and goals exclusively while having you around whenever he want but not when he doesn't.

And before you jump up and down........you like the sex, you like the companionship, you like the option to pursue your own goals and interests without considering his needs and wants....the only glitch here appears to be that you consider "a relationship" to be a goal and something you desire, and that you prioritize his needs, wants and comforts along with your own, or perhaps to the exclusion of your own at times.

That has you putting him before yourself....but he's not doing that. Why - because he does not WANT a relationship, he doesn't WANT to date...he likes this the way it is, and if it can't remain as it is, then he'll find this same set-up with someone else. While remaining "friends without benefits" with you.

You can ask him...but someone doesn't "meet someone" and deicde they want a relationship. They decide they want a relationship, and if they're smart they determine what it means in terms of benefits and options, as well as sacrifice and compromise - and THEN they go out and start meeting people to determine if they share interests, values, goals, and definitions of a great life and how to achieve it.

So you can ask him on a date..but realiez that your desire for "a relationship in your life" is what is making this FWB situation unpleasant for you. So, if when you ask him on a date, and/or have the discussion about "where do you see yourself in terms of a relationship in 5 years" - and he doesn't want what you want...you have to stop sleeping with him, stop contact for awhile until you re-establish your emotional stability and priorities to being a single person...and then re-establish just the friendship - while you go out on dates with people that "want relationships and are seeking a partner".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com