nice guy or too needy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
nice guy or too needy?
5
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 11:47am

I've been seeing someone new for about 5 weeks and this weekend I hit some sort of wall. All of a sudden I can only see him as clingy and needy and one-dimensional. I feel like he doesn't get me, he won't stop touching me and he's just too close to me. The only thing that has changed in the last week is that I was contacted by my ex (BTW I think I'm dealing with in a very level-headed manner -- have told ex he needs to seek therapy for committmentphobic issues and down the line, if we're both still available and willing, then we can come together to discuss a potential future together). The other thing that happened as of last night, the new guy told me he made a decision to visit me abroad (and pay $1100 to do so) while I'm gone for 8 weeks (he hasn't bought the ticket yet).

I'm not sure what my problem is but I feel like I can't breathe very well and I just want to RUN. Is this always going to be the case with me? It seems like feast or famine with me -- the people I find myself involved with are either are so distant/committmentphobic I can't take it, or they're so close I feel totally smothered and misunderstood.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 12:03pm

I dont know how long ago you broke up with your ex before taking up with this new guy. And I don' tknow how long you were dating your ex or how intense it was. But it sounds like you need a little room to breathe to sort things out which is not a bad thing -you've only been seeing this new guy 5 weeks and he's coming on like gangbusters, which can be off-putting. Maybe you just want to slow it down with him, you can say you're flattered he wants to shell out that money to visit you but maybe you should see how things go and not rush things - enjoy each other while you're still in town and keep contact while you're gone but put a potential visit on hold.


And probably not having contact with your ex is a good idea because it dreadges up all those old feelings and pain, and might make you scared of getting close to someone else so yo u don't get hurt again.


Good luck

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 12:10pm

Thank you. My ex and I have been divorced 2.5 years, were close friends (completely without sexual intimacy) for over 2 years post-divorce and have been out of contact due to us both moving on with dating life for about 4 months. I've dated a few people here and there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 12:11pm

If I'm remembering right, didn't you write a post because you wanted to suggest to the new guy that he buy a ticket to come see you (and you were considering paying half)? If you were thinking along those same lines, why are you freaking out that he is too?

It sounds to me like what you're feeling has little to do with this guy and mostly to do with the unresolved feelings you still have for your ex. I'd tell the new guy not to buy the ticket, and instead perhaps picking things up where you leave them once you get back in town. Not because he's being needy, but because you're not ready to date.

To get over your ex, you need to have no contact. That means you don't contact him, and you don't let him contact you (meaning, block his email, don't answer when he calls, etc.) That doesn't mean he has to be out of your life forever, but for the immediate future, yes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 12:25pm

Ok. That makes some good sense.

Yes, I'm the one you're referring to. I didn't know that I was thinking along the same lines until it became a reality -- that he was going to do it. Then I got very scared. I know this is ridiculous, immature, and problemmatic in all sorts of ways because I was trying to get him to do something and then when he said he was going to do it my reaction what that I didn't want him to do it! I'm definitely challenged here, troubled. I'm getting help...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 2:00pm

Oh, you definitely need to read "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter (I think you said you hadn't read it yet)...it sounds like you have your own "passive" commitment issues (the concept of active vs. passive commitmentphobes is explained in the book) and that's why you are attracted to c'phobes.

I do think this was probably triggered by the ex resurfacing, but it's definitely something you want to be aware of and work on in counseling. It may be that by being aware of it, you'll be able to nip it in the bud. But in any event, I would not let this guy spend that kind of money while you are feeling at all ambivalent about him, so you need to tell him that you're unsure about having him visit or something.

Sheri