Nit-picker?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Nit-picker?
4
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 11:31am

Hi all. Wanting a little feedback here... I'm 28 years old. I have dated occasionally, but haven't been in a relationship in a couple of years. My friends/family all tell me that I've gotten too picky. I'm usually just fine with not being in a relationship and it could very possibly be the holidays that has thrust me into this period of reflection. I just don't seem to be meeting the kind of guy who I'm interested in. I live in a fairly small town but work in a much bigger one. I think I'm pretty open to meeting new people. But it just doesn't happen. I'm not unattractive. I'm friendly. I'm just not sure what the deal is.

I've had guys ask me out and I just know right away that I'm not interested. Granted, it's not that I just get a feeling and won't go... I know that if there's any interest at all, you should go... You might just make a new friend. But there is always something very specific with the guy (i.e. - I don't like how they look me up and down before they ask, disrespectful to women, etc.).

My sister says that I need to go on a dating site. I've never been on one (except when I went looking to see if a former boyfriend was cheating... he was) and would really rather not. I'd prefer to meet someone the old-fashioned way... to just let it happen. Am I being naive?

I read the posts of some people on these boards and my response is always that they will meet someone great for them at the right time... I think I'm just at a low-point right now. Haven't agreed to a New Year's date because I'd be there with all of my married friends and whoever I would take would just be "filler". I don't mean that in a mean way, but I'm just saying that I'd rather go by myself than take a man I'm not even interested in.

Can anyone out there offer some words of wisdom... just to get me through the holidays? :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
In reply to: lifeinthrees
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 12:36pm

Hey there,

I'm 30 and I share your sentiments!! I have only had 1 relationship in my life and it was over 3 years ago. I've dated just about every single guy in my town (so I think anyway!) and only once in a blue moon is there a guy that makes me tingle all over and so excited that I scream when I get an email or a phone call from them. Then when it doesn't work out I'm disappointed beyond belief becuase I know how long it can take to meet someone that exciting again... I go on dates with guys who ask but I am disenchanted and know in my heart they will never be anything for me. What's the answer? I honestly don't know - I don't think it's in an online site, because I've tried that too. That will just get you out on more dates - but might even frustrate you more because those sites tend to be full of a lot of players or divorcees with a lot of baggage... not what you need. You need a spontaneous guy full of life like yourself.

All i can offer as advice is keep your goals for love , don't lose your hope that you will find a guy that makes you giggle like a schoolgirl... that likes you back. I don't know why it takes some of us decades longer than others to find that magic love... but I know it's out there because I've felt what I need to feel, it just hasn't managed to be reciprocated as of yet.... I lose faith a lot myself but to get through the holidays, be as happy as you can be - get dressed up, TRY to find at least 1 other single gal to hang with on New Year's. I've just decided to head to a ski resort with a girlfriend... gets me out of town, away from the internet and if that magic guy calls while I'm there I'll at least have something fun to talk about when I get back. If you can't escape to a reort - go shopping tomorrow and buy yourself a new top or some sparkly jewellery and find somewhere to go for new year's, even if it's over to a married couple's house. Don't spend it alone.. it only comes once a year and you know you have the goods to show off!!! : ) Try to make the objective of your night to feel as good as you can about yourself and channel your energy into talking to people about life - rather than focus on trying to meet Mr. right. Now, if only I could live the advice I'm giving you!! ; )

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
In reply to: lifeinthrees
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 1:23pm

Hi and welcome to the board!


I completely understand what you mean by New Year's Eve filler! This is the same reason that I'm not really going to go out with any man. If I'm ringing in the new year with someone, I want to make sure that I want to be with them in the new year as well!


I do believe that when the time is right, you will find that right person. However, fate can always use a little push. You'll see from my signature that I'm also a co-cl on the Online Dating board. My friends as well as I do online dating and many of them have found great guys and are in solid relationships. I'm of the belief that if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting. Meaning if you keep surrounding yourself with the guys from the areas you frequent, you'll most likely just run into the same guys. Online dating allows you to expand your options. Mind you, there are many pitfalls and things to watch out for. But if it interests you, come on over to the OLD board and there are plenty of people that can advise you there.


My biggest piece of advice to get you through the holidays would be to not stress over it. There are many, many people who will be celebrating the holidays without a romantic interest. Remember, I'm one of them and I know there's more. Try not to dwell on it otherwise it will get you down. If you think you're going to feel down on NYE, then be proactive about it--find another single friend and go out with them Or, find a couple you enjoy as a friend (and that doesn't make you feel like a third wheel) and ring in 2006 with them.


The most important thing I think is to learn to love the time you have alone now because when you do find that special someone, the time you have now to do everything you love will be cut in half. :o)


Hope this helps. Keep your chin up and come visit the other board!


Kerry

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
In reply to: lifeinthrees
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 1:29pm

londoness75,

Thank you for the kind words! I go through the exact same thing when I've met a guy who I actually get the butterflies with. It's such a disappointment when for whatever reason it doesn't work because you know that you haven't gotten to get excited about anyone in... dare I say... years! It can be a bit disheartening.

The last relationship (of any substance) that I had was about 7 years ago. I was too immature and stubborn to see what a good thing I had. Man, if I only knew then what I know now...

It's funny that my sis suggests these dating sites to me because all I've seen is her finding out that the latest guy she was seeing from one of them is married... or lying in some other way.

I think you're absolutely right about the New Year's plans. I'm going to do something that will make me happy. I'll get dressed up and not worry about a thing. Have fun skiing and have a great new year!

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
In reply to: lifeinthrees
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 1:50pm

bklynchik,

Thank you as well for your words of encouragement. I usually do appreciate the time I have alone. My 2 closest friends are married. They're both happily married, but they definitely have their moments! They sometimes call me to vent and not too long ago, one of them called and said as nicely as she possibly could, "Jen, I feel guilty about saying this, but I have to get it out... Stay single! I used to think married life was so great, and it is wonderful for the most part. But if I had realized that it would actually solve none of my problems and in some ways create even more, I wouldn't have been in such a hurry!"

So, I'm usually pretty good about enjoying time alone. It's just every once in a while ( a holiday usually brings it about) I get that urge to have someone to snuggle up next to. That should tell me that there's a problem right there, because I'm NOT what you would call a cuddler! :)

As far as the dating sites go, I guess part of the block I have is feeling like I wouldn't be letting fate just run its course. Also, you greatly reduce your chances of knowing that the guy isn't married, lying, etc. Not that you can always know that for sure when you meet someone in person, but at least you have a fighting chance if they live in the same town. Not many of those men have the nerve to blatantly lie about their marital status, job, car, shoe size, etc.

Again, thank you for the help. I already feel better! Have a very Happy New Year!!!

Jen