No chemistry?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2003
No chemistry?
12
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 12:32am
I met this wonderful man of my dream. He was more than what I could ask for in a man. He was handsome, intelligent, successful, supportive and sincere.

We had respect for each other, enjoyed each others' company and we were very attracted to each other. We were perfect together.

One problem? No sparks.

So we decided to be friends. It was mutual decision.

I've agreed to be his friend. It was a few months ago. I'm already kicking myself for letting it go.

I don't want us to be just friends. I think we have potential for a great relationship.

How is it possible that we feel attracted to each other and have no sparks?

Is it that important to let such a great thing go just because of that?

BTW, we only dated for two weeks.

I'm so confused. What is chemistry anyway? If you are attracted to someone mentally, emotionally and physically, isn't there a possibility for us to have sparks?

What do I do? Walk away or go after it?

Help!!!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tessafraz
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 8:15am
Have you ever felt sparks with a man who was reliable and available for a relationship or was it just with a man who was a challenge? Do you feel like you can walk all over this man and that he "yesses" you - whatever you want is ok with him? Do you respect and admire him?

To me "perfect for each other" includes some sparks - but of course the sparks are stronger with a man who is a challenge but maturity requires that we value people - feel sparks - even with those who don't - as long as the man who is available and caring and reliable is also reasonably confident and assertive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
In reply to: tessafraz
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 10:20am
Know what you mean! I meet a guy in the early fall. We only went on one date, no sparks. But he is very handsome, smart, funny etc. Can't help but think why it can't work, when I had so much he said he was looking for and he has so much i am looking for. But we decided to be friends and keep in touch every so often. One thing I know (because he asks constantly) is that he would want to sleep with me.... But of course he's always "j/k" after I finaly respond and tell him its not gonna happen. So, attraction must be there to if he's willing. So yes, I am as confused as you are...But I wouldn't push it, just stay friends, maybe something will happen in the future. If he has some clue as to you being interested than he should be the one to give you some clues....
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
In reply to: tessafraz
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 11:22am
Take it from somebody older who's been around awhile, sparks can DEFINITELY come later. If you only dated this guy for 2 weeks, then I definitely think you gave up too soon. I've dated people sometimes for a month before that happened. But I will say that for me, the true test seems to be a nice long kiss. If you feel nothing during a kiss, you probably never will. But twice I've dated men who I was ready to quit seeing because of the no chemistry thing, but the first time we kissed it was like BAM! and all of a sudden there was plenty of chemistry.

Yvonne

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: tessafraz
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 11:46am
Hello tessafraz! Welcome to the board!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2003
In reply to: tessafraz
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 10:30pm
Thanks Yvonne,

I know I gave up too soon. That's why I'm in pain. You know that feeling, like you have a hole in your heart and you can't breath?

But at the same time, I have too much pride to tell him that I want another chance.

I know it sounds stupid. I'm suffering from my own pride...

How do I do this without looking desperate?

Tess

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2003
In reply to: tessafraz
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 10:46pm
Hi Cl,

Thanks for your replay. Your reply gave me some peace in my mind knowing that there's still hope for us.

I do get butterflies in my stomach when I see him. Sometimes I get so nervous I start shaking. Can you call that "chemistry"?

But here's my question. How do I ask him for another chance without looking desperate?

By the way, he's been giving me mixed messages. And that confuses me. I don't know what he wants. I guess it's hard for him to give up on us too. Or maybe I'm reading too much into it.

It really hurts me that we are not together.

Tess

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: tessafraz
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 11:00pm
Hello Tess!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2003
In reply to: tessafraz
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 11:16pm
I'm definitely not coming down with the flu...

I used to think that the "sparks" meant that tingle sensation down your spine or a fireworks when you look into his eyes.

Gosh, I've been thinking about the sparks and chemistry night and day lately, it's driving me crazy!

See, he and I are both perfectionists and that's our problem.

He wants everything to be there. And I dwelled on the fact that we didn't have the sparks. Now I know I've had it all along...

I'm so afraid to ask for the second chance and he'd say no.

Tess

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: tessafraz
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 11:26pm
This is your relationship - don't try to mold it into what your view of other's is. You feel what you feel not what they have told you they have felt. You are afraid, pure and simple. Gotta grit your teeth, plant your foot and just let go...

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2003
In reply to: tessafraz
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 1:22am
Well, actually it's more complicated.

You see, we have a mutual friend, Amy who has known my dream guy since they were teenagers. Three of us went to school together, that's how I first met my dream guy. Well, he wasn't my dream guy back then. He was just a friend.

Amy told me that she almost went out with him back then but she met someone else and apparently broke his heart. She got married to that "someone else" last summer. I was one of Amy's bridesmaids. That's when I reunited with my dream guy. At her wedding.

That's when I got my first sparks and coincidently, I bumped into him at a bar a few days later. We exchanged emails for a couple of months while he was away, then when he came back, we went out on our first date.

Ever since then, she's been on our case. Being totally nosey.

I guess he trusted her and told her how everything is great but he hasn't felt that chemistry yet. She broke the news to me before he got around to talk about it with me.

I told her that I'd just pretend she never told me anything because what they talked about should've stayed between them. I was hurt that she knew this before I did. I was upset and two weeks of our dating ended. That was a couple of months ago.

And my dream guy and I decided to be friends, talking on the phone at least once a week.

But meanwhile, I'm going crazy because I don't want us to be just friends.

We are so perfect for each other and I like him so much.



You wouldn't believe what Amy had to say a few days ago. She told me how my guy is probably not really over her (since she broke his heart years ago) and that he's looking for someone like herself. She also said how she tells her husband, if she gets separated from him, she would be with my guy. Is she crazy?

I was so shocked to hear what she had to say, I didn't know what to do. I almost asked her if she was drunk. Who says that kind of stuff even if it was true?

If anyone is not over certain person, it's HER!

Why is she doing this? Is it because she couldn't have him, I can't have him either?

She and I are in the same field of work and I'm more successful than her, making three times more money than she does. Is this out of jealousy?

Now I totally lost my trust in Amy and I wonder what kind of things she had to say to HIM.

I was her bridesmaid and she treats me like this?

I'm a woman but women can be so nasty!!!

What do I do? He doesn't know any of this. I bet he's totally clueless. I don't know if he should know what's going on. I hate the fact that I'm the only one with a broken heart here. I haven't been able to sleep.

I don't want to ask him to choose between me and her. But then I don't want her getting involved between him and I.

If he and I get back together, she would try to get into our business again.

What can I do to let her out of this?

Tess

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