no communication....probably JNTI me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
no communication....probably JNTI me?
6
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 1:04pm
I need some opinions on a communicaton problem and a new relationship. First of all, few questions. Do guy's typically slide into a relationship with someone without really talking about it? From what you read, guys aren't generally big talkers, especially about their feelings. But if there's no discussion, how can it go from dating to a relationship?

Here's a situation, let's say you start dating someone, and the first few dates are very nice, (no pressure from the guy to be sexual). Just dinner, conversation, some kissing, etc. Date 4 you have sex. So then 3 months go by, you're still dating regularly, getting to know about more about eachother, you've met his friends, you're still having sex, etc. The only thing lacking is not talking to eachother about the fact that you're dating or that it's developing into a relationship. So, do you just wait around for him to start talking about it, or do you bring it up, or do you assume it's a relationship, or do you assume both of you can still see other people or what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 8:42am
Until you discuss the relationship you have to assume you can each date other people. I fell into what you are talking about. I was seeing someone and after a few months I 'assumed' we were in an exclusive relationship. I was wrong, very wrong. One Monday when I hadn't heard from him over the weekend and I was mad about it he told me that he didn't want a girlfriend (like an idiot I thought I was). Anyhow, I told him to leave at that very moment and the intimacy stopped immediately. We did attempt a friendship right after that because we were good friends before but this very week I told him it wasn't working and I needed no contact for at least 6 months. What I am saying to you is that if you want to know where you stand you need to ask him right away especially if you are having sex as your are putting yourself at risk if he is sleeping with others. STDs are so rampant and scary that I would just not take that chance. I guarantee you that you will have to be the one to broach the subject as he will not bring it up as he is satisfied with the way things are going. Good luck to you and I hope all works in your favor. Lucy
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 11:49am
I wouldn't assume either way... You know the saying about assumptions? I would just bring up how much you enjoy spending time with him and just need clarity on your status. Be prepared to have the question turned on you and be prepared to know what you want as well.

It's important to be comfortable to talk about things like this with each other if you do want a relationship.

Good luck. Hope this helps.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 2:31pm

Men

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 5:21am
hello,

It's so difficult for men basically to get in touch with their emotional needs,as I

believe the book,women are from venus,men from mars,really defines how different

men and women think. Women for most think with their heart,feelings,men being the hunters

think with their physical needs first,heart second. Since you've become intimate,be discreet but to the point,about your feelings for him,be honest. If he is feeling a special closeness,you're comfort level should allow you to ask if there's an exclusive

potential in your relationship. It may be a bit scary to bring this up,but I agree

with other ladies on this board. If he's seeing,and sleeping with others,please take health precautions dont run risk of sexually transmitted disease. I know you're

feeling passion for this guy,and sound like you're falling for him. Hope that this

works in your favor. Best wishes! Bellina

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 9:52pm

I've got to agree with everyone else--you can't assume just because you've been dating for a while that you are exclusive. I too thought my EX and I were exclusive, but I never talked to him about it. I just figured I was the only one he was dating...especially since we'd been together for over 8 momths. However, I do know that he limited our seeing each other to once a week, usually on a Saturday night and I never met any of his friends. He would call me a few times during the week, but NEVER on Friday or Sunday night. After a while I noticed his demeanor had changed and eventually he started talking about dating without any sex. Then one Wednesday night he e-mailed (yes e-mailed) me to say he was going to be pretty busy the weekend and didn't know if we could get together. All of his reasons were pretty weak--had to get together with friends, had to do taxes, blah blah blah. Turns out he had been seeing someone else all the other times he wasn't with me--which was pretty much the rest of the week. This surprised me a lot because we were having sex and I was sure that I was the only one he was dating. I walked away when I found out there was another woman.

The moral of the story is that you cannot assume that you two are exclusive and even if he SAYS you are, you need to see if his actions go along with his words. And like everyone else said, make sure he is being truthful because you really don't want to be one of many, with the possibility of contacting an STD. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 10:36pm

Hi there,

If you give someone something they want...they'll take it and will not have expectations. Basically, never assume. It takes courage to ask the hard questions...so find out what is going on for your own sake. And make sure he's being truthful...many guys lie to get what they want. So trust your instinct.

good luck:)

Another note: I haven't read the just not into me book...plan too. But one thing I find disturbing about the whole context...is why worry about what the guy is feeling/thinking/expecting...isn't it more important to figure out if you're just not into him?