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| Sun, 10-15-2006 - 2:16pm |
I am not dating and I think I'm sabotaging any chances of ever dating. Due to general bad experiences with men (a father who left at an early age to start a new life with zero relationship with the children from his first marriage, exceptionally awkward adolescence, and bad experiences in college including men taking advantage of me and non-consensual sex). I know that not all men are bad, so I made a point of being more social and also signing up for online dating. Well, I have more friends --none that I am attracted to-- now from classes, but I am completely paranoid when it comes to the online dating. I go through my area's sex-offender registry to see if there are photo matches. I check them out on google, myspace, etc. I have never found anything terrible about any of the people, but I still don't want to be the tragic story on the evening news because I decided to meet some deranged person for coffee at Starbucks. I understand that my attitudes are not entirely reasonable, but they aren't completely unwarranted. I stay far far away from men that I am entirely attracted to because I think there's some tragic flaw, but unlike other women, things like his rowdy friends or that he's a mama's boy don't even matter to me; the flaws I think of are a) he's a murderer, b) he's a rapist, c) he's abusive, d) he'll leave me, e) he has HIV, herpes, HPV or other STI, e) he's a pedophile, f) when he's 40, he'll come out of the closet or confess to sleeping with his friend Bob a la NJ governor, g) he'll want a threesome, h) he has a girlfriend or wife in every city. I could continue, but I think you get the point. I've talked to a therapist about them and she says it's good that I know that some of these are somewhat unreasonable and I should try dating several people casually in a non-threatening environment. Ego-strength be damned. I don't want to be on the evening news.
I'm in my early 20s so it's not entirely jeopardizing my future personal goals (have fulfilling career, get gorgeous german shepherd, marry great guy, travel, have 2-3 children, be devoted to making marriage work and raising wonderful children, white picket fence as bonus) quite yet. As more and more of my friends get married however, I can't even picture that life that I want anymore. Instead, I see myself working, coming home to a german shepherd, turning on the ADT security system and watching CNN, Law and Order, CSI and said evening news to affirm that I have indeed taken the wiser track in life.
I want plan A, but if I don't change something, plan B is the default. Advice please.

sims_at_yale...
Pianoguy can understand your frustration and fear. He has experienced 'parallel feelings' to yours throughout different phases of his life. Anyway, here are a few thoughts:
First...there are some women who are perfectly content to REMAIN SINGLE THROUGHOUT THEIR ENTIRE LIFE! They can come and go as they please, pursue their personal interests, and don't have to fear that the toilet seat will be left in an upright position! In other words...they're not responsible FOR ANYBODY ELSE BUT THEMSELVES...(pets being the exception)! This is nothing to be ashamed of nor should 'singleness' cause you embarrassment---UNLESS you 'hang out with couples' and you're the only unattached female in the room!
You might want to HONESTLY ASK YOURSELF if the benefits of having a husband or b/f are WORTH the risks? Every marriage or relationship has risks! Even the ones that appear to be the happiest or rock solid...can crumble when you least expect them too.
You also need to try and get over ALL the "men negatives" that you've mentioned. Simply because there's no man on this planet who will be GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU! Many will attempt to gain your love and trust, but with the type of 'mindset' you currently have...ALL OF 'EM WILL PROBABLY FAIL!
Pianoguy