No passion in first time sex!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2007
No passion in first time sex!!
7
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 10:38am
Hey everyone. I just posted on here last week about how I was debating having sex with this guy that I have been dating for about a month now. Well, last night I went ahead and took the plunge and had sex with him for the first time. I did it because I felt comfortable and not pressured...I know i wasn't sure if i wanted to...but i decided to and today i feel fine about my decision.
The only problem is-
when we decided to have sex, he had to go out to his car to get condoms, and when he got back inside, we started kissing a little bit more (which we were doing before we decided to have sex) and then, after about 5 minutes, he put the condom on and just started trying to enter. absolutely NO foreplay (except kissing really)...he didn't use his fingers or anything!! and i let him know that it hurt a bit when he entered, so he went slow...but I was completely TURNED OFF by the fact that he didn't do anything to me down there at all before he entered. He didn't even TOUCH me with his fingers once!!
It makes me want to cry...I mean, I feel like he didn't care about my needs...I don't know...I have only been with ONE other person sexually before, so maybe I am just inexperienced. Is it normal for a guy to just jump right into it like that the first time?
I am hoping that when we have sex again, he will be a little bit more passionate and wanting to do some foreplay..cause foreplay is VERY important to me! I don't feel like I was horny enough for him to enter just yet...
Well, when we had sex, I didn't have an orgasm (though it did feel good) and when he finished, he didn't ask how it was for me, if i was okay, or anything...kind of upsetting..i was hoping that he would want ME to be pleased. But maybe I am just expecting too much for first time sex with someone? or maybe I am just comparing him to my ex too much? (who was VERY sexually compatible with me..LOVED foreplay even more than i did, and always wanted to please me before himself)
I mean, i'm not saying that this guy and I aren't sexually compatible, because it was good sex, and he does turn me on...but i was just disappointed in the lack of foreplay. and it really didn't seem like he was THAT passionate about me either...then again, he isn't a very emotional guy overall. I just wanted him to show his WANT and lust for me more, I guess. I am a very passionate person.
After we had sex, we laid in the bed together and chatted a bit for a few minutes, then he had to leave. I told him he could sleep over, but he didn't want to. So, he left and said he'd call me later.
I know that i shouldn't expect too much from him...I mean, we've only been seeing eachother about once a week and talking only once every few days also. But then again, I feel that now that we've had sex, I would like to get a bit more serious with him. I hope he knows this....He knows that he is the second guy I've ever had sex with. He knows how seriously I took it. He told me that he was fine waiting more for me to be ready, that he completely understood if i didn't want to have sex last night, which in turn made me feel more comfortable having sex with him. No pressure!
After we had sex, he was really sweet for the most part and kissed me a lot and was pretty talkative..just didn't ask me how it was for me.
All in all, it was a pretty good experience and I don't really regret it, only regret that there was no foreplay involved really. Also glad that I don't really feel more attached to him! I was worried that I would feel more attached...but so far, I don't!
I just need some advise! I don't/didn't want to just come out and ASK him to do more foreplay before he entered, because I feel that he should WANT to...and if he doesn't WANT to, then that is not a turn on for me (I feel most turned on when the man WANTS me in every way)...I'm basically just wondering if his behavior is normal, and if its possible that he really IS into foreplay, just not that time??
Thanks for any responses!! I really appreciate it!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 11:31am

What you went through it seems alot of women are going through. The male sexual revolution (women do all the work - women must ask for what they want- nothing is given freely) seems to be a bust. They expect all women to be automatically lubricated all the time? Hmmm, I wonder where they got this idea? They shouldn't make that assumption because of two factors: not all women want the sexual experience to go down that road and another point is that not all women have strong libidos. If you even want to give this turd another chance then go right ahead but let him know that the experience was less than satisfactory and why.

You see, what men seem to overlook is that from the minute he picks you up the foreplay has begun. If men would remember that sex would great most of the time. I'm a little different, but to me that is how I see the evening.

"Is it normal for a guy to just jump right into it like that the first time?" - the answer is no. Sex the way you and your ex boyfriend had it is wonderful and every woman enjoys that. But, raw sex is also just as wonderful but you need to be highly aroused for that to work. As for a "first time" experience, I have experienced it both ways and it was satisfying both ways.

"he didn't ask how it was for me, if i was okay, or anything...kind of upsetting..i was hoping that he would want ME to be pleased." - this is why he's a turd.

"But maybe I am just expecting too much for first time sex with someone?" - no.

"or maybe I am just comparing him to my ex too much?" - no. Sexual compatibility is very important to a relationship. Yes, "sex isn't everything", but compatibility is everything and if there is no compatibility that is when one or the other person hears, "sex isn't everything you know." So one person walks away feeling non-sexual and other walks away feeling like he or she has a sex problem - all because they were not sexually compatible.

The only advice I can give is that one should not assume that a guy is into foreplay. If you sense he's moving too fast then you need to suggest that he try something different.

"because I feel that he should WANT to...and if he doesn't WANT to, then that is not a turn on for me (I feel most turned on when the man WANTS me in every way)...I'm basically just wondering if his behavior is normal, and if its possible that he really IS into foreplay, just not that time??" - A couple of points here: 1) you need to ask for what you want - that is also part of the new male sexual revolution - and it is stupid and ruins romance. 2)You can ask him if he is into foreplay and find out what foreplay means to him. Some guys don't like giving oral sex but like receiving it, of course. You have to make a decision if that is ok for you - it wouldn't be ok for me. These days, some guys, sick as it sounds, withold oral sex until they feel that the relationship has moved in a certain direction. This is all new to me. However, I understand how they can feel this way because I wont swallow if I'm not into him, the person.

"...but i was just disappointed in the lack of foreplay. and it really didn't seem like he was THAT passionate about me either...then again, he isn't a very emotional guy overall. I just wanted him to show his WANT and lust for me more, I guess. I am a very passionate person." - do you see how you are going back and forth? While you shouldn't compare every aspect of your ex to this new guy, you can compare how things generally went and remember how it felt to be CARED about.

Are you sure that you and this new guy are a good match? Just asking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 1:27pm

Is it possible that this guy is not very experienced himself? Perhaps the last girl he had sex with was ready to go after a few minutes of kissing and he expects that that is just the way women are. He really may not know any better because no one has ever told him differently. When it comes to what is pleasing for you during sex, you have to ask for what you want. You can do this several different ways. You can come right out and say, "I would like for you to do A,B and C" or you can show him what you like by doing the things to him that you would like for him to do to you (ie oral or using you hands etc.) You could also just guide his hands where you want them to go. No man is a mind reader when it comes to what pleases a woman in bed and someties they have to be told because all women are different. Also, if once he was finished, if I was still not "satisfied" I would have coyly asked "you didn't think we were finished, now did you?" And I would have proceeded to get the engine started again and make sure I was satisfied. My point in all of this is take control of your own sexual experience, if you know what works for you then make sure those things happen so that you get satisfaction from the expereince. Don't expect the guy to just know.

Good luck,
YG

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 3:16pm

Funny, I am having a similar issue as well. I do believe that expectations run high for first-time sex, which can lead to some disappointment. However, in your case it sounds like he is just a little inexperienced and needs a little prodding from you. I've always found that with shy/inexperienced men they absolutely love some guidance, so long as you phrase it in the right way. (Careful of bruising any ego -- that can do permanent damage!) Showing them also works.

As for me, I'm trying to take my own advice since the first time we had sex it was a bit awkward and we weren't clicking. We both have had serious relationships in the past, so it isn't like we are inexperienced, so I think it is a matter of us figuring out what each other likes. The second time was definitely better, and I figure the more we communicate the better it will get. I highly recommend watching the Sex and the City episode of "Great Sexpectations" :)

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 6:48pm

This is the guy who is 23 and had been with 7 women already and who expected sex the next date when you told him you weren't sure. I remember now. I still think that guy is in for the sex. He had his needs met that night you had sex for the first time. He didn't care for your pleasure and rather went in bim bam boom! You told him it hurt, but he went slow. He didn't evewn stopped to manually stimulate you or to give you time to get aroused. He left after doing it and he said he'd call. The replies I read say that he's inexperienced or that many women go thorugh that same and such, BUT I think that the guy went for the kill, he got what he wanted.

If you have sex next time, talk about how much you'd like to have such and such stuff done before intercourse. See his reaction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2007
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 11:10am
Thanks so much for all your replies! I will definitely take them all to heart...and I realize that I need to communicate with him better....then he will understand...he is not a mind reader!
I was going to update about what happened last night with him. I feel so rejected and dejected....this has never happened before, so I dont know WHAT to think of it!
Okay, so my friend and I decided to meet him up at this bar where him and his friends were. We get there and hang for awhile with them and have a few drinks. I get a little tipsy/drunk and after the place closes, he asks if I want him to come over to my place...I tell him that we should all go to his friends house because my friend wanted to get to know his friend better. He says okay, so we head over there. OH, and before we even met him at the bar, my friend was text messaging him explicit sexual things, such as "wanna f*ck?", etc.,pretending to be me. I tell him that it was my friend when we see him, and he is really disappointed. But I don't want to lie and say it was me, I am just not that forward sexually! I was pretty upset with my friend for this too! Anyway, so we go over to his friends place and we stay till around 3:30 AM. the whole time we were there, i sat in his lap in a chair and he was holding my hand and kissing my shoulder. I felt a lot of sexual tension, and I tell him "I wanna get out of here...I'm tired!" while I kiss him..
I thought he felt the same way! He was kissing my shoulder and kissing me back when I kissed him. So, his friend gets tired and wants to go to bed, so we all leave...and when we get down to our cars (he had his own and my friend and i had mine) he gives me a hug and says "bye" ....I say "you're going home?" and he says "yeah, where else would i go?" and i say "you suck" and he says "what, am i invited over to your place?" and i say "yes, if you want to come over" and he says "no, i'm too tired" and i say "okay" and feel so rejected. he then says "ill call you later" and i walk off to my car.
at first i thought he was joking when he said he was too tired, i thought for sure he would meet me at my place. i dont know WHY this happenened, and feel so ugly and unimportant. he was being sweet to me all night, like saying we should go on a double date w/ his brother and his g/f, etc., and then THIS happens at the end of the night?? maybe he was trying to play games with me? I can't figure it out and don't know what to say to him next time I talk to him...to bring it up or not...I do feel angry and confused. I mean, it WAS 3:30 AM...so it was late. Don't know whats up though! Any help or advice at all would be greatly appreciated!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 11:22am

Based on what he said, he just wanted to go home to go to sleep but he also wanted to know if you wanted him to go to your place. I guess it was nice knowing you wanted him there.

Since it is still early in your relationship ( about a month you said) I can see him still wanting to go to his own bed. You can bring it up and discuss it in a way that brings you more of what you want from him. Maybe it was a game, but not one that meant to outright hurt you....more like making you want him more. Games are stupid and yet everyone plays them even if it stings someone's heart.

Next time make sure your friend takes her own car.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 1:07pm

I wonder why you call him "my friend". Is he your BF OR a friend with whom you have sex? His reaction might have been due to the texts he received...very deceiving. Your friend texted him how much "you" wanted to f** him, BUT when yolu met up with him you burst his bubble. You told him that it was your friend and not you who sent the texts. That's a very dangerous game you know. Men are very visual creatures and in reading such explicit messages he might have been "picturing" what you and him would be doing that night. When you sat on his lap and felt the sexual tension, he was perhaps just warming you up to let you down cold like he did. In other words, he played the game on you.

IMHO, and without knowing you, I think that this guy "friend or BF" of yours is nothing but a man looking to get laid. Playing games early in a relationship is not good news. It's dishonest and dangerous. Your feelings will get hurt. You're very young, inexperienced and naiive and he can take advantage of all that.

In your place, I'd clear the waters by asking him directly what is the game he's playing with you? If you're sleeping with him, are you exclusive? He may be sleeping with more women you know. The man has had 8 women with you, so to add one more to his list is just one more f** to him. Be careful, very careful. Don't be scared to ask questions or to state your thoughts. The worst that can happen is that the guy turns around and leave without anwering anything. If this the case, the guy was just in for the fun.