no physical spark=disaster?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
no physical spark=disaster?
2
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 3:04pm
Okay, I was recently set up by an ex with a friend of his. I know it may not sound good but the ex and I were incompatible in the long-run and his friend seemed like nice sweet guy the couple of times the three of us hung out together so I decided to give it a chance. My ex said his friend was very excited to hear that I was interested in him which kind of shocked me but anyway . . . the first "date" we hung out for several hours just talking and eating dinner and he drove me home. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and it was nice. Last night, we went out on a first real date for dinner and we were going to go out to see a movie afterward but we got to talking so much that we missed the show. He offered to see the later show but it was just too late since I wanted to get home by 1 in the morning or so. So I just suggested we watch a movie at his place since he had something I was interested in. We kept on talking and laughing the whole evening and I was having a good time.

Then the movie ended and there was a kind of lull in the conversation after which he started kissing me on the lips. I felt absolutely no sexual spark when he kissed me and he really seemed to enjoy kissing me on the lips so I asked him to kiss me on the neck and cheeks instead since I always enjoy that. Anyway, before I knew it, he was reaching around to unhook my bra to which I light-heartedly told him to not do that since I was not ready. He told me he did not want to make me feel uncomfortable but he then started rubbing my crotch and feeling my breasts and it made me feel awkward but not to the point where I would tell a guy to stop.

I guess I'm the kind who needs to feel loved and respected before getting physical when I am shopping for a relationship but then again, there have been guys who I literally could not control myself around physically as is the case with the ex who set me up with this guy. To be honest, this friend is not my type physically though perhaps personality-wise he is but I'm giving him a try because I'm trying to be open-minded. So since I'm not crazy about him physically, I think I need more time to become attracted to him as a person. He has some cute things to his personality and we have a good deal of things in common but two dates are not enough of an indication of long-term potential. I'm wondering if I should tell him to hold off on the physical aspect so much so that I could get a chance to develop feelings for him before we get more advanced. If I don't develop physical attraction to him after a few more dates, I think I'm going to have to stop seeing him and I feel bad because he seems like a nice guy and the whole time I was thinking that if he looked more like my type, I would not be so apprehensive. He just seems really into me and very attentive and I don't think the feelings are as balanced on my end. He kept wanting to kiss me on the lips several times the entire evening after we made out and I just kissed him back out of courtesy which makes me feel so bad but I could only fake desire so much. It seems to me that not only is he moving a bit too fast for me but it is also a case of me not feeling any physical attraction toward him. I'm usually not this confused about men since I tend to go for men who are my type physically and I'm wondering if I should just give up going out with guys I initially don't feel attracted to.

What do you think I should do? Also, even though I'm not with my ex anymore because he is so wrong for me and just mistreated me, the physical aspect was mind-blowing with him and I was extremely physically attracted to him and I find myself making comparisons when I know I shouldn't. Ah, I know this is a mess and I was wondering if anyone here knows what I'm going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 2:38am
Hi,

I think you two are probably moving too fast, at least for you. It may sound shallow sometimes, but if you are not physically attracted to the other person, it is most likely not going to work. With some people they can grow on you and their personality makes them more beautiful, but you need more time with that. I'd say that if you eventually see yourself being attracted to him, it might work, but for now, slow down on the physical end. It also seems like you are just comparing your new guy and old guy on their looks. It's easy to overlook the flaws in someone we're attracted to and center in on the flaws of someone we're not. Isn't it a shame that we're always attracted to the ones who aren't right for us?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 2:53pm
Yeah, I had a feeling he was moving too fast for me and I felt kind of cheapened by the end of the evening thus I was apprehensive to see him again. It is hard to find a guy who is a true gentleman this day in age and I kind of think that it is inevitable that a guy will try to move too fast with me based on most of my past experiences with men...even the ones who seem nice and sweet. I have decided to see him again but I am still looking for someone who is more my physical type in the meantime because I know that eventually, I will want someone who I am very physically attracted to. From my experience, the problem I find is that men who are good-looking tend to be jerks or they just have a wandering eye because other women find them attractive. I don't have any tolerance for that and I don't see why a man can't be good-looking, sweet and faithful at the same time. That's why I'm trying to not focus so much on the physical even though for men, that seems to be their number one criteria. I'm sure there's a man like the kind I want out there but I have yet to find him if he's not already taken. Thanks!