No quick pull to new guy - jump ship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
No quick pull to new guy - jump ship?
2
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 10:36am

Been a month or so since I have posted, but you all have given me such great advice that I found myself coming back soon enough. My boyfriend of two years broke up with me six months ago. It was surprising and extremely difficult as we loved each other very much, I thought he was happy how things were and I truly believed he was it for me. But, he had decided at some point that I wasn't right for him or he didn't want what I wanted in the future when I wanted it. We broke up amicably, but have not been in touch since and do not have plans for it. It's just too hard. I had a very hard time dealing with it all and spent a lot of time on these boards this summer. I went out with one or two guys on one or two dates, but was not really into the dating scene at all. I was just too heartbroken.


About a month ago I met a very nice guy at a friend's dinner party. We hit it off and had great conversation all night and have been dating regularly for about four weeks. He's smart, nice, sweet, has a good job and family, is driven, has fun hobbies. All in all, he's just great. I have fun with him and am attracted to him, but at the same time, there has never been a huge pull to him for me. I enjoy his company and we are, technically, exclusively seeing each other, but I just feel a little blah about it all from time to time. With my ex, I had this crazy immediate pull to him, and him to me. We were both just kind of knocked off our feet by the other and it was a really intense feeling right from the start. I hadn't experienced that type of immediate connection ever before and it was awesome. With the new guy, it's been different. A slow boil, sometimes a very slow boil. We have fun together and I like seeing him, but I just haven't had that big pull yet. The fireworks in your head, the butterflies, the constant thinking of him. It just has not been there, really. I wonder now, can that take time? Does it need to be groomed and given time to grow? Or if it's not rockets at the start, might it never be?


I may be hesitant about this whole thing because it is the first guy I have seen regularly since my breakup, and while I am a lot better now than I was in the few months after the breakup, I still miss my ex a lot and miss what we had and the future I thought we’d have. I obviously can't help but compare the new guy to my ex. And he still does not match up to him in a lot of ways. I enjoy spending time with the new guy, but sometimes I look at him and think that he's not right for me, I can't see myself married to him, he's great -- but maybe for someone else. It hit me this morning -- maybe the way I feel about him is the way my ex felt about me towards the end. Someone he liked (well, loved in that case) and enjoyed being with, but something was not feeling right (towards the end).


So do I stay with this new guy and see if my feelings develop further, or do I get out of this early on when I don't think it will work?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 11:58am

Your question is difficult to answer because there is a factor to consider...your broken heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2007
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 7:09pm

I would echo what snafu2006 said. Since it's only been six months since your break-up with someone you were really "wow" about, it's really hard to tell. After my last serious relationship ended, I tried to date about five months after, and nobody, nobody did it for me because a part of me was still heartbroken. It was too soon.


I do think sometimes something can grow over time, and you can develop that ga-ga feeling over someone. But timing has something to do with it too. You may just not be in a "relationship" place and this guy is (unfortunately for him) a bit of a rebound person for you, despite how much you like him. I personally would need at least a little of that "wow factor" after four weeks and if it's not there I'd probably want to move on. But only you can really know what's right for you.