No Thanksgiving?

Avatar for cherfer
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
No Thanksgiving?
6
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 1:01am

My boyfriend and I just spent our first Thanksgiving together only, we didn't have any Thanksgiving at all. I recently moved 800 miles away from home to be with my boyfriend and having moved here only 4 months ago I don't know many people yet. I cancelled plans to fly home and he said we would go to a friends house and have dinner. When he told me we were going over at 8:30 I told him that seemed pretty late for dinner, and asked him again if he was sure we were eating there. Well it turns out, it was just a party and everyone had eaten and celebrated with their families earlier. So I didn't get a Thanksgiving dinner, for the first time in my 28 years. I feel hurt by this, and he thinks I'm just being selfish. Holidays don't seem to be a big deal to him, but to me traditions are special and missing out on it was really disappointing to me. He took me to breakfast today because he said he felt bad, but I'm still really upset. Is this selfish on my part? I just don't know how to get over it. I'm having alot of trouble adjusting to life here as it is, and now I just dont' know if moving here was a good decision.

Feeling very depressed about the whole thing.

Cheryl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
In reply to: cherfer
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 2:21am

One thing I had to learn in my previous relationship is the principle of expectations. It is said that the definition of frustration is when our expectations don't match our reality. So in order to conquer frustration, you must merge the two, hence the term, "realistic expectations."

So, talk to your boyfriend about what things you expect from a relationship and also ask him what he expects. That way you guys can (1) know what each other is looking for and try to satisfy the need or (2) compromise on a middle mark so the both of you can be happy.

If you expect to celebrate holiday traditions, let him know, so that you two may come to a meeting point and hopefully enjoy a happier relationship.

slimkim4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cherfer
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 5:51am

cheryl...

Pianoguy is sorry you're upset by the lack of a T-DAY celebration. If it's any consolation to you, he spent the entire afternoon and early evening performing for dinner guests and didn't get a single piece of turkey!

Why not avoid future disappointments with a little 'pre-damage control?' Since you're now living in a new area, you might want to seriously make some new friendships and arrange for a few casual dinners. This way...the next holiday (Christmas/Hannukah/Quanza or whatever) you'll be better prepared.

If being with your family is a higher priority than being with the b/f, buy the plane ticket and head for home. If your b/f has no desire to join you (or can't because of work or other obligations), make arrangements to return before New Years Eve. There's no point in giving up a 'special day or two' unless there's a better alternative.

Best wishes and warm thoughts,

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2004
In reply to: cherfer
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 4:13pm
Doesn't sound like you are being selfish to me. Actually it sounds more like he is being dishonest. He could have told you and the two of you could have made dinner (or bought it somewhere) and then gone to the party. You should talk to him about how you feel so this doesn't happen again at christmas!
Avatar for cherfer
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
In reply to: cherfer
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 5:40pm
I dont' think he knew ahead of time what would go on at the party. I did ask him to find out if they were doing dinner but he wouldn't call them. It could be dishonesty on his part but I know he would have thought I would get upset and would want to avoid a fight. I think I will take your advice and sit down and talk to him about Christmas ahead of time. One of the things that bugs me about him in general is lack of planning. He won't make any plans until an hour or two before hand and it drives me crazy. I can't even ask him to do something during the week for the weekend becuase he just says he doens't like to make plans until that day.
IT's so annoying, and we end up never doing anything pre planned. I also didn't do anything for Halloween. He had said we would go to a party or something, but he never made plans so we did nothing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
In reply to: cherfer
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 7:20pm

Hi There,

Let me share with you something that has taken me a long time to learn -- if he's like that now, it will not (most likely) get better with time.

Very few people actually change for the better once the relationship gets past the "best behaviour" stage.

Tell him what you expect, and if he cannot a) accommodate your wishes; b) meet you half way, or c) admit that it's never going to change -- then you're going to have issues with this topic FOREVER. And actually, C guarantees that you'll have these issues forever, too, but at least then you have been warned and can make alternate arrangements for yourself.

I dated a guy recently, for a whole three years, hoping beyond hope that one day, just maybe, he'd join me . . . . We would literally (both) take a Wednesday off from work to go to the beach, and at the last minute, he'd decide to stay home while I'd head to the beach alone -- or with the kids and dogs. No kidding.

It ended up that we were just entirely on different wavelengths, and being as old as we are, neither one of us was going to change. I want to GO, he wants so STAY.

Discussions got us nowhere.

I am now happily single and chancing the roll of the dice again, because there is no reason to spend your life miserable or unhappy or frustrated. Mine was a great guy, just not meant for me.

Let me step down off of my soapbox now . . . . :-)

Traci

Avatar for cherfer
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
In reply to: cherfer
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 4:42pm

Well the good news is... I sat down with him yesterday and told him that I would have really liked a traditional Thanksgiving, and that I stayed in the city instead of flying home so that I could celebrate with him because he means alot to me. I also told him that I want to celebrate Christmas with him and could he let me know what he would like to do ahead of time, so that i can plan something we would both enjoy.

I was surprised, he didn't get defensive at all. he said he didn't realize that it was so important to me, and that he's happy as long as we're together. He agreed to plan ahead of time, and to do some of the things that i want to do for the holiday.

We'll see how it goes!!!