Is this non committal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Is this non committal?
5
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 4:50pm

Been dating a guy for 8 months. He is 52 me 42. He introduces me to people we run into as his "friend" nln214 not his "gilfriend" nln214.

We get along great and have gone on vacations together. He is even talking about purchasing relestate together but doesn't want to get married because he was left to clean up a financial mess after his divorce 2 years ago. He did say that we could have an agreement drawn up and in the event we broke up that he would want to retain the property because this would be his retirement home and I would have more energy to start over. The agreement would have him buying me out for half the quity an we would put in a clause for our children should one of us pass. It all sounds fair but why not just get married? I am also recently divorced. This would be our 3rd marriages. Am I smart just keeping things "as is" We have so much in common and all of our moments together are quality. We seem to love each other so much but part of me feels that this is a committment issue. However, he is the one talking "we" and "let's" look at property and stuff like that moreso than me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 5:13pm

Hmm, let's see, why not just get married.... maybe because "This would be our 3rd marriages."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 7:34pm

I'd say that you're NOT looking beyond the curtain of roses you have over your eyes. You're in love with the guy. The fact that he introduces you as a "friend" to everybody, after 8 moths of dating, is a huge red flag. What are you then? A friend who has sex with him? Then there is the buying property together...that is a huge red flag too. You're not married and the worst thing that you can do is buy property together. It's just like opening a joint account together while not married. It's OK if he feels that he can't trust again to get married, but thinking in buying you out for half and such.... What if the times comes and he doesn't have the money to buy you out? You'd be stuck and he'll get the property. I'd consult with a lawyer. This guy has every thing set on his side, but what about you?

He screams committment phobe all over him. He is committed to himself and only himself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 8:06pm

Frankly, in our age group (I'm 45) I could care less about labels. The true importance and relevance is the value we contribute to each other and for the better good of the relationship. The question you need to consider is the value he contributes to your life and for the better good of your relationship. He needs to consider the value you contribute to his life. After all, great relationships are equality-based and mutually-beneficial.

Since you both have been married and divorced twice - is marriage a show stopper for you?

My belief system is that a relationship adds value to a great life - life does not revolve around a relationship. With this in mind you need to consider your life goals, priorities, wants, needs and expectations and then how a relationship compliments and adds value to your life.

Does he contribute value to your life?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 11:28pm

Marriage is not a show stopper. In fact I would be perfectly happy with him without being married because we do add value to each other in many ways.

I feel that I have the money to put down on our future homesite and he would eventually when he sells his current residence. Plus I have the money to pay on an extra mortgage. It scares me to think that he would make statments like "if anything where to ever happen to us that I would have to keep the property and buy you out because I would be to old and in retirement to start over". Well that would be 10 years from now and I would be 52 and starting over would not be easy at that age.

so I guess what I'm feeling is that it's all about him. I did say well what if you have to take out a mortgage to buy me out then it would be no different then you buying a home somewhere else because you would have to come up with the money to pay off the mortgage you take to pay me or on another home.

He has brought back life to me in so many ways where I thought I was emotionally dead. We have a wonderful time together and he is a solid caring person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 11:48pm

I don't see this as being all about him at all. In fact he was being realistic in considering a potential outcome and considerations for it should it come to be. Likely this is influenced by his past experiences.

Another option would be for either one of you to rent out your current property but that would them limit the cash available towards a down payment.

This is a realistic situation that needs to be considered, much like if one of you were to unfortunately die.

As far as the value of your relationship - good for you! I like hearing stories like that as they are meaningful for building a great life and great relationship.