Is this normal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Is this normal?
15
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 11:59am
I'm involved in a healthy relationship that brings so much joy to my life. My boyfriend and I have discussed engagement for the near future. There is only one thing that clouds our relationship. It just so happens to be something that he doesn't know I'm aware of.

I recently discovered that my boyfriend has a porn stash. Funny thing is, we go to church each week and he doesn't fit the typical picture of a person who is addicted to porn. Since finding the stash, I have revisited it to see if there has been any movement or additions. There have been.

I have tried to look past this issue, although, I just can't seem to get it completely out of my mind. How would I bring up such an issue with him? Is it "normal" for a guy to watch porn? Should I be concerned?

Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 5:20pm
>>Most men in a given year don't buy porn.

Where do you live?

Try taking a look at the statistics on the pornography industry; I think you'll be greatly suprised.

It's a $10+ Billion/year industry in the US. There's ~300 Million Americans in the US (men, women, and children).

Someone's spending quite a bit on Porn, and if it isn't women and children, then it must be the men.

It's MUCH more prevalent than you think -- the only reason you don't hear about it is because it's considered taboo.

And the belief that you have to go to some seedy sex-shop to get it is as old fashioned as June Cleaver.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 6:55pm
>>Judging from his character, I think admitting

>>up to it will be extremely embarrassing. In

>>addition, if he lies to me about it, I will be

>>so very irritated. Any suggestions?

While I'm sure you're interested in addressing the issue of "what he does behind closed doors" and whether or not he'll be truthful in talking about something that's generally considered embarassing and taboo, perhaps you should first address the more serious trust issues you're facing -- your need to snoop & spy on him.

IMHO the fact that you need to snoop on your BF is of far greater consequence than his masturbation habits, since he's probably had porn since long before he met you and all during the time you were having a "healthy relationship", but the lack of trust issues and the resultant need to snoop around on your BF is a probably a new and serious development, is it not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 9:46am
tealblue -- I guess I would wonder what brought you to snoop on him? Did you have reason to be suspicious?

If you confront him with it -- your reaction must depend on how strongly you feel about this. If it is really that important -- I guess you will have to tell him you know he's lying. That will mean admitting that you were snooping and found out, won't it? And then you and he will both have to accept the consequences, whatever they may be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 9:48am
singleguy -- I know it is very widespread -- I just don't believe it is universal (and there are scientific surveys to back up my statement). If you told me that 30% of men buy some kind of porn each year, I would buy that -- but it is not universal, I don't believe it's even a majority.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 12:40pm
First off, don't assume he's hiding it because it's in a discreet location. I agree with the other poster that it's like a vibrator (or lingerie or tampons, even). You don't just leave that stuff lying around where anyone can see it. It's personal. I, too, am a bit concerned about your snooping. There's obviously some sort of a trust/control issue going on beneath the surface here. Not to worry, though, usually a good dose of communication helps that if both people are willing. Now about that communication...

To answer your last post, give him a chance to voice his thoughts about porn before getting as personal as asking him if he has any. If you go into that conversation judging him, you've lost already. Be as calm as possible, and start out as a generic conversation, then get into feelings. If you give him the chance to share first, you can avoid him lying to you for fear of your judgement (in order words, you're more likely to get a candid answer). Once he's talked about his feelings on the subject, calmly address yours. If he lies to you, then you know you have a liar on your hands and that's a big red flag in and of itself. But if guys are as close as you thought, I'm betting he won't lie to you, especially if you approach it in a nonthreatening way).

Good luck.

Ivy

georgiasugarbaby@yahoo.com

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