normal relationship progression?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
normal relationship progression?
9
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 9:46pm
let me start by quickly explaining how we met. about 2 1/2 years ago i tried the online dating thing, and this is how we met(nither of us do it now). problem was i was in RI he was in boston, MA. so we would just very randomly talk online basically just as friends. i moved to MA for a job a year ago so about 5 months after i moved, in december, we started to date. on our first date he was really into me and pretty much wanted to be exclusive. i really liked him but wasnt on the same page at the time. we went out about 3 times and fizzled cause of our different expectations. out of no where, this 4th of july he texted me and we have pretty much gone out once a week since then. i think this winter the timing was just off but now i am much more ready for a relationship. the weird thing is, is he goes out of town often on weekends and he "disaapears". no phone calls or anything till he returns. his family lives in NY so he goes there a lot in the summer, they all do horse racing in saratoga (which is only in summer). i feel like im ready now, and he is the one who isnt really all that in to it? i guess once a week is pretty normal but it would sure be nice to hang out during the weekend when neither one of us needs to work. and when he does go away, is expecting a phone call too much at this stage in the game? i dont ask for much, but at the same time i dont want to be too niave. what do you all think? how have your relationships progressed? i guess slow and steady is ok, imean we have both voiced that we really like each other......???
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 1:13am
One HUGE red flag is the "disappearing acts" this guy pulls off. Meeting once a week for a normal progressing relationship is not that normal for me. If you're dating steady how can you get to know this man once a week? He may be married or may have another woman out of state. I'd question his behavior and would confront him. Better to do it sooner than later. I'd not waste more time in this guy. He seems too sketchy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 7:23am

The two of you need to have an honest discussion. This man is doing exactly what he wants, and if he doesn't know any different then he is assuming you are happy with the way things are.

Honey, after 9 months of dating one weekday night, that isn't slow and steady. That's a standstill.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 10:05am
let me just clarify a few things-
this guy and i have only been dating since the middle of july. we tried dating this winter but it didnt work out b/c he was very interested in becoming exclusive right away (after the 1st date) and i was not ready for that at the time. we went on only 2 dates this winter then we stopped dating and just re-started dating this july. i dont really have a problem with seeing him once a week which will hopefull soon progress to more(if our schedules permit!), i guess my problem is that he has gone to NY every weekend (and to vegas one weekend) since we've met. he says that he will be here more often on the weekends after this past one which he went to a wedding in michigan. also, i dont know if im making up excuses for the once a week thing but he goes to grad school 2 nights a week after work, and i am a nurse so my schedule is wacky as well ( i work overnight 2 weeks a month). sometimes once a week is all we can do. on the other hand, its tough trying to get to know him well since our time is so limited. i figured i would hang in there and see if he is right about soon being around more on weekends. i think id we add a weekend day and night to the mix things would be looking a little better. what do u all think. how did your relationships progress??
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 1:53pm

I'm an old fashioned girl I guess. Weekends are made for dating, I don't do weeknights at the beginning of any relationship. After a couple of months of a Friday or Saturday night date then I can get more spontaneous.

Really, you need to talk to the guy. If he is interested in pursuing a relationship with you, he should be giving you more priority other than his free time on a weeknight. If you've been dating seriously since July the I wonder why he hasn't invited you for a weekend at Saratoga to see what goes on with the horses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 1:18am
i dont know call me crazy but i personally think its WAY to early to meet his family, which would mean me going to saratoga. Im not ready for him to to meet my family, so why should i meet his yet? i dunno, i think that so far the people that responded are very hard on him. i could be wrong. i guess i need to clarify that my scheule is very tight as well, im a nurse and i tend to work crazy hours so that certainly doesnt help the situations. just wondering what some of the "norms" are...
steph
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 6:57pm

I think you should think about just dating him normally for a while and as things progress, you can talk to him at some point in the next couple of months about adding in a weekend night to your weeknight, if it doesn't happen naturally.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 11:12pm

I think that a "normal relationship progression" is what works for each of you given the dynamics of your schedules, your expectations, your individual wants/needs. "Normal" is a relative term, kwim? To each is own!

You said << when he does go away, is expecting a phone call too much at this stage in the game? i dont ask for much, but at the same time i dont want to be too niave. what do you all think?>>

I don't think that's expecting or asking too much. Question is, have you ASKED? If not, then ... it's up to you to state your expectation, and ask him if he could call you every now and then on the weekend. We often make the mistake of expecting others to intuit our wants/needs, and then easily become disappointed if/when that doesn't happen ... but, sometimes all it takes is a simple request.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 3:05pm
thanks for all the responses so far. interestingly enough, now that racing "season" is over, he asked what i was doing this coming weekend! yay! unfortuneatly i have to work all weekend but he said he would be around the following weekend too! so maybe soon we can incorporate a weekday AND a weekend night. and someone mentioned that i need to ask him/tell him my expectations. this is true and its something i have not done yet and will need to do!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 3:29pm

<< and someone mentioned that i need to ask him/tell him my expectations. this is true and its something i have not done yet and will need to do!>>

That was me. And uh, "YAH!" ... of course you need to ask. If you don't, how can he be expected to meet whatever expectation it is that you have? I know, sounds obvious. But, it's amazing how many people DO NOT do what is so simple ... and instead, choose to fret and feel disappointed when things aren't going a certain way.

Also, you don't want to "tell" him ... you want to ASK him for what you need/want. Feel free to tell him what you're feeling, etc. You own your feelings; therefore, you can tell another person that. However, if you're requesting or wanting something from someone ... always ASK, don't TELL. We're all adults. And such, no one likes to be told what's expected of them. :)

Good luck!!!