Not able to let go

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Not able to let go
15
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 9:31am
I was dating a guy for about 4-1/2 months, not a real long time but I have to say I fell head over heals for him. I had never felt this way in my life (I'm 39) and I truly believed we were going to always be together. The last few weeks, I felt he was being inconsiderate of my feelings and things were a little suspicious. He travels once in a while with work and the last straw for me was his last trip. He was gone for a week and when he returned, I didn't even get a phone call. I had always contacted him on his cell phone and he had turned that off. I found out he went to party with his friends. My feelings were hurt and I broke it off with him. I felt that if he didn't care enough to even call after being out of town for a week, then he didn't care enough. The problem is I have not been able to let go (I have no idea why). I work with him, although I don't really see him (he's in the building in the back). When I do see him, I try to be friendly but he always gives me a real serious look and mumbles hi. I know he is seeing someone now, so why does he feel it necessary to act like he hates me? It's been three months since I broke it off, and still every time I see him I feel hurt and betrayed. He doesn't say anything to me unless I speak first. He's done stupid things (I feel just for digs) such as a few weeks ago I saw on my cell phone he had called (which I thought was weird) so I called him back and he acted like he didn't know who I was and said he had not called. Please help me to move past this and find happiness. (I've gotten to the point of thinking of quitting my job). Any advise is appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 11:12am
((hugs))it's really hard to move on with your life when you keep running into him. I think you are doing really well, being polite in the workplace. About his phone call he pretended not to know about, maybe it was his new girlfriend fiddling with his phone? Who knows.

I have the experience of having a 16 year relationship break up and being heartbroken and still having to see him because of the kids. But time really did heal the gap and now we can co parent amicably. Hang in there and it'll happen to you, too. I wouldn't change my job unless I could get something better lined up elsewhere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 1:03pm
It's hard to let go when you have no one else to occupy your mind. He sounds like he's moved on since he has a new girlfriend. He's probably treating you like **** cause you broke it off with him, so when he sees you trying to be nice, he's trying to get back at you. I wouldn't even bother trying to be nice, cause he may just see it as A) you trying to get back together with him or B) a way for him to shoot you down since you shot him down. Quit giving him the satisfaction. If you see his number on your phone, just delete it. If you see him in the halls at work, walk by him. You don't owe this guy the time of day.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 5:27pm
I agree with needing someone to occupy my mind to help ease the pain with this other guy. It really bothered me also that he was able to find someone so quickly. I've been trying to do different things to meet new eligible guys and have been unsuccessful. I've been going to the bars (which I'm not thrilled about but it keeps me from moping around the house), tried the coffee houses, been going to the YMCA, and am a member of several internet personals websites. Any other suggestions? Also, was I wrong for expecting that phone call when he got back into town? I suppose that would require more information about our relationship, but I guess I have tormented myself trying to figure if I did the right thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 5:53pm
No, it's not unreasonable for someone to phone when they return to town if you did have something going at the time. If he was interested, he would have called. Maybe that was his way of saying he was no longer interested, since he couldn't be man enough to say it to your face.

Go out with your friends with the intention of having a good time and not so much to just find a guy. When you stop looking and start being happy with yourself then the men will come.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 7:09pm
I appreciate your advice. However, I think that is part of the problem too. My friends are either married or have a boyfriend. I talk to them a few times a week but as for going out, it's like pulling teeth. They're not up to going, have plans with their significant others and/or couples or just a quiet night at home with them. That just leaves me feeling more lonely. I don't think they realize how hard this has been for me. This guy practically lived here (just to the respect that he was here most of the time) so now I have been trying to adjust to the quietness of the house again. I come home to no one, get up to no one and go to work and have to pretend that all is well. It has been a real battle for me. It had been years since I allowed someone to come into my life because I got tired of the broken hearts and disappointments. I pretty much feel I was better off before I started seeing him. I just wish I could find it in myself to let it go. However, he is constantly on my mind. I can't seem to shake that. Even when I sleep, I dream about him until it wakes me up. I haven't slept through a night since I ended it. People have said that we are responsible for our own happiness and I don't know what I need to be happy. I have just run out of ideas. I hate that I even allowed him to get close to me. I should've shut him out from the beginning like I had with other guys but I really thought he was different.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 7:30pm
I understand what you are going through, I really do!

However, you need to find comfort in being by yourself. Get to know you again. Get to like yourself again. I find that when I start going crazy for company I force myself to do things by myself with my own agenda. I went and saw Spiderman 2 alone- and THOUROUGHLY enjoyed myself. I used to enjoy my OWN company once upon a time ago and forgot how nice it was sometimes. Yes, it's nice to have someone to spend time with and yes, it's frustrating when you can't get anyone to do anything. When you become comfortable and happy with yourself again, you will draw others to you.

But I do know what you mean about friends with partners. I had a friend from out of town come visit with her boyfriend, and out of a 5 day visit spent one hour alone with her. Such is life, I guess....

So grab a book and take yourself out for coffee. Go sit in a park or at the beach if you have one, and lie in the sun.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 8:06pm
Thanks for your input. I will see what I can do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 10:27pm
Dear, focus on the things you say you considered to break up with him. Would you want to be with someone that rude, and careless? I'd say no....but the fact that you work together makes it difficult. However, it's not impossible. You feel betrayed because you fell in love with him. He apparently was not interested enough and didn't have the character and maturity to let you know it. It takes time to heal your heart, but you'll do it and will get over him to. Remember to focus on the actions, the negative ones such as the rudeness and lies: who did he think he was when calling you and then acting like he didn't even know you? This alone says A LOT about his character.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 3:57pm
I have an update on this whole situation. That girl he started seeing a month and a half ago - I found out she moved in the first week they were together and they are getting married September 24, 2004. Not only did he make the announcement at work, he hung a wedding invitation on the bulletin board. What a spiteful, devious, jerk. Everyone at work believes he put that invitation on the board just to hurt me and he now has a reputation of being an ***hole. What kind of people do these kinds of things? She moved out of one man's house and into his. I guess I'm just a different type of person because I just don't get it. And why on earth would he still want to hurt me if he really is marrying this girl?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 4:12pm
*** This is going to be a straight-talk post ***

Recognize that YOU are choosing to be a VICTIM here. You initiated the break up yet view all of his actions as being about you, against you or in spite of you. Until you stop this self-destructive behavior you will not be able to move forward with personal integrity, respect and strength.

The chances of him putting up a wedding invitation on a bulletin board for the sole purpose of rubbing it in your face is slim to none. You are making the choice to perceive it that way. If it were you getting married, you would be doing virtually the exact same thing. You would be happy and announcing it to whomever would listen.

You dumped him so why would you care what choices he makes. So stop playing victim and get on with it for your better well being.

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