Not being Truthful
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| Wed, 11-09-2005 - 6:06pm |
I met a guy online and we've been dating exclusively for two months now. He had told me he had been divorced for 13 years. Well, I did a little digging and discovered that he had been married another time and divorced about 4 years ago. He forgot to mention it. I don't know if it was because it was a short time or what. Anyway, he doesn't know that I know and I'm not sure what to do. If I confront him, he'll know that I've been checking his past. I don't know what to do. It's gotten me very upset. I feel being married is serious and not something you conveniently forget. I also feel that he is not being honest and upfront by not telling me about his 2nd marriage.
Otherwise, I've had no complaints about the relationship. He has been a sweetheart and just about everything I've been looking for. Intelligent, stable, values, etc. But this marriage thing is just eating at me. I can't help but wonder what else has he forgot to tell me. How do I know if things he has told me are true? Should I just wait and see if he eventually tells me?
Thanks.

I doubt very much that he "forgot" to mention it.
That would be a dealbreaker for me, because I will not be in a relationship with a dishonest person.
Sheri
obviously you felt you had reason to be suspicious as you did do some digging - which lots of people do, btw.
i fyou dont at least initially tell him what you did, then talk about smoe friend of yours who was dating someone who wound up hiding a marriage, and she was shocked, and say, what do you think of a guy who would like like that, and take it from there. if he's STILL not truthful, he'll NEVER tell.
I'm with Sheri on this one, that would be a dealbreaker. You've only been seeing him for 2 months, all things considered, you don't have a LOT invested. But, if it were me, it would eat me up inside knowing that I know something BIG about the guy I'm with that he didn't BOTHER to tell me.
Not only is it a 'lie by omission' but it was deceptive, in that he's led you to believe that he was only married once, a long time ago. Personally, I do have an interest in how many times a person has been married. That tells me a lot about their committments, etc. And, 4 years isn't a "short time" so don't try to rationalize for him that way. Being dishonest about how many times you've been married is a big deal.
When did he tell you about his first marriage? (in terms of how long had you been dating?) Was there something specific that happened that motivated you to do some digging?
You know, women have pretty darn good instincts, when we choose not to ignore our gut feeling. Trust your instincts.
And, if you decide to break it off with him, personally ... I don't believe you owe him an explanation or confrontation. Simply say "I don't think this is going to work out." If he probes as to why, you COULD just say ... I found out that you were married twice but didn't tell me, therefore, I have no reason to believe I can trust you ... and without trust, there's no possibility for this relationship. It doens't matter how I found out, what matters is that you weren't upfront about it. So, there's nothing more to say.