not looking for love but found it anyway

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
not looking for love but found it anyway
3
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 1:07pm
I just moved to college 1000 miles away from my home. I have loved EVERY single aspect about college. I can't even explain to you how much. Highschool was completely a disaster and this college is a dream come true for me.

I never dated in highschool because I always found that my time and studies were much more important to me than dating. At least that's the reason I always gave everyone- the real reason was because of my weight. I am overweight. Not extreme or anything- but enough to the point where imiture highschool boys would look down upon it. The boys in my highschool were extremely imiture and I promised myself that I would not go through all of the scwabble that my friends were because I have very high standards for myself, I had and still have my life planned out. At the same time, I was going through some very tough things with my family and dating wouldn't have fit into my life.

Now that I am in college however, there is this guy, named Jake, who is in class with me every day, he and I have developed a close friendship, and I have developed a rather liking with the guy. Since I am at a disadvantage having no experience with guys whatsoever I just don't know what to do. He is the nicest guy I have ever met.I really want to ask him out to dinner or something. What scares me though is that if I do and he says no- will it ruin our new friendship? I am so lost and cannot even think about anything else for the past three weeks. I will absolutely DIE if that happens because his friendship is more important. I just need some suggestions maybe someone has been in a situaiton like this before? Maybe someone knows a Jake- and it turned out good.

I didn't come to college looking for a boyfriend/husband/soulmate in fact it probably would complicate things and I want no more than to focus on my dreams right now - but than why doesn't his picture LEAVE MY HEAD. Am i crazy?? I am soooo confused...Help!

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 1:37pm
Well I'm so glad that you're having such a great time at college. I loved it when I went, although I didn't meet anyone who I would have considered dating.

I think you should just ask him to hang out outside of school and go from there. If it's more casual and less like a date, then you may feel a little less awkward. Invite him to study over coffee together. Or to see that movie you two were talking about, or to hang out with friends on a fri night after a tough exam. Hopefully in time you can get up the courage to let him know you enjoy his company and would like to date him.

I really hope things work out for you.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 5:51pm
i have been in ur exact situation, with the way you feel about urself and about this new guy. It's really hard when you want to tell the other person how you feel when u fear rejection or loss of the friendship. what you should ask urself though is that, is he a good friend? if he doesn't have feelings for you, do you think he's going to hurt you when he tells you? basically how do you think he'll treat you. I personally fell for a few friends of mine and some i told how i felt and the outcome was good in that some shared the same feelings for me, and the others that didn't were able to tell me in a way that we could still be friends. I think if you two are comfortable enough with each other to talk to one another then maybe you can try telling him. if you still feel scared, talk to some of his friends, and see what they think about the two of you together. I try to talk to their friends first, they can usually help you out with any feelings of possible rejection. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 11:26pm
Casual is key. Mention to Jake that you were having a craving for some great Italian food...or were planning to see a movie....or visiting an art exhibit...WHATEVER, and ask him if he would be interested in coming along. Don't make it into a big deal. If he says no, there may be a really good reason. Like he has other plans. Don't take it as rejection and AVOID LOOKING LIKE HE JUST SLAPPED YOU IN THE FACE!! If he says no, just say casually..."Oh, well. Maybe next time." and move on with the conversation. He may be prompted to ask you to a similar get together in the future if you don't make it sound like a blatant date. And if not, you have left open your own door to invite him along on your next excursion. Good luck!! Hope it works out,

Elle