Not a priority in his life

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Not a priority in his life
1
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 1:46pm

Help!

I have been dating a guy for over 8 months now and at the beginning it was great. We were moving along at a normal but cautious speed. Now, the last couple of months, he seems like he never has time for me. He does have a lot going on right now in his life, but I am definitely not a top or even middle priority to him. When we do spend time together, he is affectionate, but we only get to see each other about once a week. I'm not very good with communicating my feelings, so we haven't talked about this yet. We both have had bad relationships, and I am really starting to believe that he just wants a casual, keep-me-on-the-hook without a real commitment type thing. What should I do to keep my sanity without overwhelming him and scaring him off?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 3:40pm

The first thing you need to do is let go of this "scaring him off" idea. You CANNOT "scare off" someone who is right for you, because he will be on the same page with you and want the same things. Even if you "blow" the talk and everything comes out wrong, he will give you grace and work through it, rather than running away.

Ok...so with that in mind, have you ever established what each of you is looking for in a r'ship to make sure you are on the same page? If not, that's the first thing you need to talk about. What type of r'ship do you want? Figure that out (including specifics about how often you see each other and/or communicate) and tell him. Then ask him if he wants the same type of r'ship or something else.

If he says he wants the same type of r'ship, then the next step is to ask him whether he can see the two of YOU having that type of r'ship. Having dated for 8 months, he should have a good idea of whether that's the case, or at least not have *eliminated* you as a possibility. Some guys will do that--for example, decide, "I could never marry her" but still keep dating you because they enjoy your company and don't want to lose the benefits of being with you (such as sex and companionship). You would want to know that, wouldn't you?

Having this conversation will give you the information you need to decide whether to continue with him.

Sheri