Not ready for "comfortable"

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Not ready for "comfortable"
2
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 11:15am
Well I've been dating this guy for 10 months, and I guess it is getting serious. During the Thanksgiving holiday, I went to his parent's house and met the parents and stayed over night. I've never done that and he's never brought a girl home for a holiday. He travels a lot, so usually when he is in town, we take full advantage of it by hanging out both in and out of the bedroom. But this week it has been different. We still hang out every night, but not so much in the bedroom besides sleeping or watching a movie or talking, which is still definitely fun. I kinda confronted him about it yesterday and he said that he is definitely still attracted to me but that he was comfortable now. So it makes me think that he has gotten to the "comfortable" stage, which I guess is good, but at the same time is scary. I've heard so many bad things about this stage: it is boring, routine, predictable. I want it to be exciting still. I know it does feel nice to know that he loves me, and it is not measured on how often we do "stuff" in the bedroom.
I guess I was just hoping to have some advice, and any input on what the "comfortable" stage really means, and any good points about it.
Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 11:37am

You don't mention how old you are but I'm assuming you're quite young. In your 20's? You're at the stage now in your relationship where you are starting to see who your bf really is. In the beginning months of a new dating relationship people put on their best "face" but sooner or later that wears off and you see the true person. Sometimes things continue to grow stronger and deeper; sometimes you find out you're not as compatible as it seemed at first. This is why you need at least a full year IMO to really make sure you're right for one another (and oftentimes even longer).

It's just a fact of life that it's impossible for a relationship to remain the same as time goes on. That's b/c the whole nature of what's between you changes as you get to know one another. The reason things feel exciting and new in the beginning is b/c they are! You feel something you've never experienced before with this person that you don't know very well. There's no way that *can't* change over time as you get to know the person better. Now that doesn't mean that after years together you still can't be passionate, playful, do exciting new things, etc.

Different people are satisfied and content with different things. I am personally satisfied with the fact that my marriage is predictable, boring and comfortable. I love the fact that my spouse and I can sit in one another's presence for long periods of time without saying anything, and that neither of us feels uncomfortable in those silences. Our sex life is still passionate, exciting and satisfying for both of us, even though it's not as often. But I think that passion directly comes from how we feel about one another. It's not about being new anymore, it's about STILL feeling like we're the luckiest people to have found one another.

You may just be at a different point in your life than your bf is. You're not wrong in what you want, but neither is he. Just know that you're not going to be able to turn back the hands of time and make things like they were, especially since he appears happy with things as is. To me it's not a very good sign that you're already feeling dissatisfied after only 10 months.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 12:04pm
I am 23. It's not that I don't like just hanging out in each other's presence. I think I was just being weird. I was just basing his feelings towards me on how he reacted physically, which was a bit of an insecure thing. I love talking or even watching TV together. I know things have to change, and it is probably a good thing. I like not having to worry about whether he cares about me, cause I really do know that he loves me. I just have a problem of thinking and rationalizing things too much at times. I think it also has to do with the fact that I won't see him for 2 weeks due to his work and my plans. I think deep down I am sad and I know how much I will miss him. And, I could possibly be letting this get in the way of how I am now when he is actually here. Any other thoughts?