not sure how to handle this

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
not sure how to handle this
8
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 5:56pm
Let me start out by saying that I have the girl I am supposed to marry (and was ring shopping up untill about 3 weeks ago) we both talked openly about the subject and how we were going to spend our lives together. We have been dating for about 14 months now and really enjoying each others companionship. We never really saw our friends unless the other person was there. I think that may have been a problem. About 4 years ago my gf was raped and it really put quite a dent in her "growing years" (she 23 now). She shut out many of the people in her life and didn't really (according to her)get to go out to experience life. she continued a downward sprial dealing with weight issues, and drinking. she now has an ulcer from drinking to many citris drinks.

Now I came along and we imeditaly hit it off there never seamed like there was a shortage of conversation up untill about 2 weeks ago tonight she wanted to go out with some women at work for a wedding shower dinner get together. This was a change for me and didn't know how to handle it I guess i was just worried about her (very bad strom that night), I didn't hear from her till I called her at 1, she said she just left and would call me when she got home. we spent a few hours together on satnight (the next night). We usually always spent Sundays together but this one she was going to babysit some realitives with her sister then go out to get drinks with another gf of hers. The next week everytime i talked to her she seamed to get more and more irritated that i had called her (many times i got "can I call you right back" then never heard back from her). I tried to make plans with her the following Sat. but she had plans with one of her gf's. Friday night another girl from work wanted to go to a local concert she she went there. We talked on sunday she said she didn't know why she was feeling the way she was, she thought she knew what she wanted but not didn't know, she felt she just needed some time. This brings us to this week we talked a bit on the phone and it was meaning full conversation. Tues she called and said she missed me, the last time we talked was wednesday evening. I'm sorry to bore everyone with the day by day timeline just wanted to try and portry what happened. I also forgot to say that 2 weeks ago tomarrow (saturday) she had her last hormone treatment (a few years ago she found out she had cycsts on her overies this was part of the treatment she took) could this be a reason for her sudden change in heart or is there something else. I really do care for her and don't want her to slip into any of her old bad habbits again. I guess I'm just all torn up about how quickly this all came to an end, literally with in a week and a few days.

I guess I'm just looking for a womans input on this and any feedback would be so much appreaciated. The past few weeks have been hell, I want to call her to see how things are but at the same time I want her to feel I am giving her space.

Thank you
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 6:13pm
Maybe just don't call her for a few days. If she feels like you're constantly checking up on her(so that she doesn't go back to her old habits as you say), she may feel harried. If she knows you are serious about keeping her for a girlfriend,and possible wife, just give her time. She will let you know if she doesn't want you around, or bothering her anymore. It sounds like you really care about her, so just be patient. Do you know if she ever talked with anyone, like a therapist, about her rape? If she hasn't, or even if she has, she might be having flashbacks or just overwhelming feelings again. Did you ever talk with her about how or why it happened? You could be displaying characteristics of the person who did it, and it could make her hesitate. I'm just throwing out different ideas here, so if none of these fit..... Is there any way you could talk to one of her friends to find out if it's something you've done? Would they even talk with you? Friends can be very protective, but if you make it clear that you just want her to be alright and happy, they might open up and let you know.

Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 7:34pm
Hello confusedmale!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 1:52am
I have talked with her about her rape but not really in detail. I always figured that she would tell me when the time is right, I really never wanted to push the issue. I do truly care and love this woman and want only the best for her. I am trying my best to give her some space but it really is killing me inside. I have never pushed her into anything she hasn't wanted to do because i realize her past and don't want to remind her of any specific situations she may have been in the past. As I said before I am truly trying to give her that space she needs but I guess I am hoping that the end may show it's self soon I really want to be with this woman and am feeling quite abondoned by this situation. One thing I didn't mention is the previous post is that my father died in a storm about 10 years ago this is why I think I am so overly protective of her I'm just affraid of losing someone who I hold so special in my heart weather she realizes it or not. Thank you for your advise it always helps hearing people talk about it

Thank You
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 2:02am
upon reading your reply i forgot to touch upon a few bases. I think her friends would tell me a certain amount but I also feel they will tell her wich will make it seam that she is still being checked on. this is a mojor issue I am trying to avoid. I have thought of confronting her father but I am affraid he will tell her mother and she will tell her I'm back to the same situation. She has gone to see consuling and when we talked a few days ago she expressed and interest in going again. I'm not sure if she has gone or made an effort this is actually what i wanted to talk with her father about. I don't know what is going on in her life now and it is an issue for me I feel a need to know nad understand her I hope this all works out the way I feel is is supposed to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 5:10am
Ok, then...go on with your life....You sound like you really care about her, so rare a breed. Yet just let her be; when she comes back to you, you can tell her all the agony you went through--and listen to all she's been through too. I have a sympathetic ache for your plight, wish I could say more helpful advice. If she loves you, she'll call you. Women call, BELIEVE ME. With men, it's harder to judge when you guys will, if you will. If we women are interested, yes WE WILL CALL. EVEN IF YOU ARE BEING A BASTARD, EVEN IF WE HATE YOUR MOTHER...WE WILL CALL. So just let her be, stop worrying, she did make it this far in life before you! ;) She does have family and friends that care for her too.

Anyway....let us know how it goes if you want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 7:37am
Thank you for all of the input it has helped a bit. I know I'm beating a dead horse here but still want to call her so badly to be sure she is ok. The other thing is that she has told me that before me she really couldn't feel as if she trusted her parents or friends as I said up untill 2 weeks ago she really never went out with her friends, (never with the 2 new ones, the other one she hadn't talked to in about 5 months) thats it as far as I know that is all of the people she has gone out with and is wanting to go out with.

She has had issues in the past because she didn't feel she could talk to anyone and now what really has changed. Her parents are the same, when she was going trough all of that they didn't know what was going on, I wasn't there but the way it was explained to me is that they thought she was crazy and just let her be and I beleave that it is more of her mother who has control over things she for some reason likes when others are in distress I've seen that a few times before and unfortunaly her father follows along unless some one wakes him up to the situation. Her newly refound friend will they talk maybe, of a couple of 2 week old friends, you see what I'm saying it really doesn't seam as if things have changed that much, just that she feels well... I don't know what she feels. This is why I wanted to talk with her father I think he is the only one who will truly watch out for her, then there's me being selfish if I do talk with him am I going to push her further away if she would find out. I think probably because she would feel I am not giving her that space.

Yes I do truly love this woman and want there to be an us I want to be the one who protects her and provides for her I just want to go through life with her as a team and is is just killing me. The not knowing especially hurts the most, I keep going over what has happened to her in the past and don't know what I would do if she gets into one of those situations again.

Again thank you
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 2:19pm
confused male...

Pianoguy didn't read the other responses...so if he's repeating something that was already said...HE'S SORRY!

Any combination of a health problem with an impending marriage will immediately send up a "red flag!" And it's clear your fiancee is raising the flag! She's understandably concerned and upset about the health events of the past...but moreover...she MIGHT be reconsidering a life with you?

While you may be the most understanding and supportive male on the planet, a woman has the right to change her mind (at least I've been told this)...and the lady in your life might be giving that option some serious consideration.

When 2 people shut out everybody else (friends, family, activities) and spend 100% of their time together...the process and interaction can get stale. Maybe each of you needs a little space apartment before you contemplate a "lifetime" together?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 8:59am

Dear Confused,


Please give this woman her space.

Lilypie Baby Days