not sure if he loves me for me

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2006
not sure if he loves me for me
7
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 3:14am
So I am dating this wonderful man ...He is overseas for work for a month and a half and calls me everyday. He's taken me home to meet his parents and such..While he is away I worry a lot that he'll stray just because of my own insecurities that I have resorted to talking dirty with him over the net,suggest fun sexual things we could do when he gets back.We've done role playing stuff...very hot and steamy stuff..I'm not uncomfortable with these things but as of late it seems that's all he ever thinks about. He says he loves me and I beleive it but we're like building up these scenarios that are just so steamy and sexy I am afraid he will be dissapointed when he does get back....also I asked him to email me reasons why he loves me...a-lot of what he says is that he loved me because I love him and he can tell when I look at him I want to be with him.He says he loves the way I am willing to do things with him even if it's impractical and impossible ( I guess he is referring to the fact we're doing this crazy long distance relationship for a while?) This hurts my feelings because it feels like he wants to be with me just because I want to be with him so much and I feel as if maybe he doesn't love me but just loves the idea of me and the fact that he knows he will never lose me. I feel like testing him by making him jeolous. Is this irrational or what? Like I feel as if I have to let him know that if he's not in love with me because of me plenty of other men will and it won't be because he thinks I'm a sex kitten or because I want to be with that person but they'll genuinely fall in love with me. Please help me with these wierd thoughts! Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 2:04pm

How long have you been with this guy?


Being a guy's sex kitten doesn't mean that he'll love you less... but what is really making you doubt his love? Is this the first time this has come up?


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2006
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 2:34pm
we've been dating for 9 months and honestly he's the best man ever..I trust him but I know even trustworthy people have temptations. He's insanely handsome and he's travelling all over the world being treated like a king and having people kiss up to him I'm afraid he's going to one day when he goes to one of those very many parties that are involved will do something foolish.the sex kittenthing doesn't bother me but I guess because while we're away this spicing thing seems like the only thing that is able to bring us together somewhat. What bothers me more is in the past...oddly enough despite how handsome and successful he is he's had women leave him. He explains it as he treated the women so well that they couldn't handle it and well...I know before he dated me he had some g irl that was on and off with him and well...I am afraid he loves me because I love him so much and wonder if I were like that girl who was on and off if he'd love me like he loved her. He said he hasn't said I love you to anyone he's dated for 3 years and I beleive him but still I don't want him to love me because I love him...that doesn't make m e feel special.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 3:44pm
I guess it concerns me that you say that's your only method of connecting while he's away... why do you think that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2006
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 5:06pm
Well no we connect on so many other ways..we share a lot of things I pretty much tell him, everything that's on my mind and we're so comofrtable with each other I can tell him anything but I often feel stupid for saying what I say and then my insecurities creep in. In terms of the sex thing ti's just my attempt to spice things up so I'll be unfortgetable and I do find it fun but it's like I am afraid we'll not know each other anymore because this long distance thing is so wierd..it's hard to find a balance because he got taken away right when our honeymoon period was happening 9 months into it. and it's like all this delayed gratification is hard on me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 5:24pm

This is what I'm getting from your post and tell me if I'm wrong: It seems to me that you're doing things out of fear of him leaving and not because they're things you necessarily want to do. And now the things you've been doing have gone past your control

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 4:13pm
You were dating before all the steamy internet sex stuff. He does care about you for you but it's been a while since the two of you have been physical and boys being boys, that is now what is front and center for him. Don't play games, just say you want to pull back a bit on the sex scenario stuff and start talking on other levels as well
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 8:22am

I understand you're trying to keep things interesting, and you want him fantasizing about you while he's away. But you're not even comfortable having phone sex! So that means you're putting on an act. What else do you talk about? It sounds like he's starting to equate talking to you with sex. Therefore, I think you're right to be concerned with the direction your relationship has taken.

You have to pull back from this side of things. The next time you talk to him, keep the conversation away from sex. If he starts up, tell him you'd rather save the steamy stuff for when you're together.

And you also want to know he loves you for the person you are... and not just because you're sexy and because you love him. I think the only way to handle this is to watch how he TREATS you. If he involves you in his life and he is involved in yours... if he listens to you and seems interested in hearing about your experiences, that means he is into YOU. Some men have difficulty putting the way they feel into words. But I don't think it's a good idea to continue to nag him to tell you what he loves you about you. That ends up sounding really insecure (which you are) and that you're BEGGING to be loved.

Finally, after 9 months, I don't think you should be playing games. Trying to make him jealous is pretty desperate, hon, and he'd probably see right through it anyway.

Wait til he comes back home and then think about whether this relationship is meeting your needs. Are you happy, or are you anxious most of the time? Perhaps you're not confident within yourself to handle being with a man who is "insanely" handsome, and especially one that travels so much.

Good luck.