Not sure if I should ask him out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Not sure if I should ask him out?
3
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 7:56pm

Hi everyone,
I have a little dilemma with a guy. I'm 22, he's about five years older than me. I met him at a bar where my girlfriends and I usually go every once in awhile. He is (was--he just quit) a bouncer there. The past couple of months when I go there, he sees me right away and gives me a hug, flirts with me, has asked me for my number, and has even called on the weekends seeing if I want to meet up with him and his friends wherever they end up, but I am usually too far away to meet up with him.

A couple weeks ago, my friends and I met up with him at a bar--he saw me right away, smiled, grabbed my hand, and gave me a hug. That night my girlfriend and I ended up staying over at his place since we had been drinking and was getting too late to grab a cab, etc. I ended up in his room, and we kissed and did other stuff, but didn't have sex. He told me flat out before we did anything to let him know if I felt uncomfortable or if he should stop. Most guys if they're just looking for ass, would not say this to a girl, in my opinion. The way he kissed me was sincere--he would hold my face in his hands, kiss me on my forehead, and then the rest of the night we just cuddled and laid there. I felt so comfortable with him. The next day, he called and asked if I got home OK.

I saw him the next week at the bar where he bounces, and he again, ran up to me, gave me a hug. I thought it would be really awkward between us because we had done stuff, but it wasn't, for some reason. We talked like usual, and when my friend and I were leaving, he said he would walk me out, which he did.

So, long story short, he and I flirt all the time, I can tell he likes me, but what I don't understand is why he won't ask me out to dinner or a date. Also, a little FYI: When I REALLY like a guy, I tend to get very shy, and am not very open or flirtatious if I am in a situation such as this. So, my friends are telling me that they think that he believes that I'm not "that into him", and that he likes me, but doesn't want to risk rejection, or just feels that I don't feel the same way. Which is NOT true--I really do like this guy--a LOT. I don't like guys very easily at all, either. My friends think that I should make the first move and ask him out on a date to prove that I really am into him. However, this would be the first time in my life, ever, that I would have pursued a guy or have made the first move, and I just don't think I can do it since I'm so shy.

What should I do? I want him to know that I do really like and care for him, but I also think that if he really did like me and was into me, he would have asked me out already, but at the same time, as I stated earlier, I get so shy around him.

P.S. One of my friends did look up his account on myspace and he had stated that he is looking for "dating, serious relationships"--so he's not a player type at all--he is a very sincere guy from what I have seen from him.

Thanks for taking the time to read this--any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

-C

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 9:00pm

Honey, he hasn't and won't ask you out on a date because he can get what he wants from you without doing so. He wants some sex and a friend. You went to his room and kissed him and did sexual stuff and he isn't even your BF. You have nothing, but a few hugs and hand holding stuff. He likes you yes, BUT he doesn't want anything serious like a GF. He asked you if your felt uncomfy when you two had the affair and if he should stop, BUT you said nothing. That is to a man a "green light" to keep on going down the same road. You're getting into a friends with benefits relationship, where friendship and sex is the only thing that hold you two together. The minute you ask him for more or to be serious, he'll drop you like a hot potato and will look for some other girl to have the same he had with you.

If you want to date him seriously, stop the kissing, hugging, holding hands and "other sexual stuff" and ask him point blank to his face what your status is. I'm sure he'll say you're "friends".

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 10:46pm

I think I am going to have to disagree with you on that--this guy is not like this at all. Believe me, I know the type of guy that just wants sex from girls. He isn't like this. If he was, I would have a gut instict, as would my friends who have met him, and two, I would not like him. Moreover, that night happened ONCE between us, it's not like this is a regular basis thing.

I really do like this guy, and I think he's great. The question is where to go from here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 11:52pm

<<<...Moreover, that night happened ONCE between us, it's not like this is a regular basis thing.>>>

ONCE is enough to start the deal. By all means get into a deal like this is you can handle it and want to. You two enjoyed the moment, but it seems by your post that you want something more than the physical part.

This man has tatooed in his mind an immage of you and here is why....The impression that he's gotten about you is that you're willing to get horizontal if he asks you to. He doesn't have the impression that you want to go out with him on a date. If was interested in going out with you, he would have asked you out long time ago, even before fooling around. At least you'd have gotten to know him in other settings. You know him from bars and such. He's greeted you and has hugged you and held your hand. BUT have you discussed dating or even going out? You've hung out with your and his friends, you've drank a lot and have spent the night at his home. You're gone willingly to his room and have participated in a sexual exchange. What image do you think this guy has about you and your behavior?

Where do you go from here?.....ask him out and see what he says. It's possible that he agrees to go out with you, BUT don't be surprised if he wants to pick up where you left off.