Not sure what to do..
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| Sun, 06-18-2006 - 11:12am |
Hi-
I never thought I would be writing here but here is my dilemma. Just when you think you will never feel the 'in love' feelings or you have gone past that..suddenly out of the blue it happens and takes you by surprise. So anyway, I am a single mom and for last 8 years all I have cared for and thought about was my daughter. I guess I wasn't looking or dating. Then I switched jobs and started to work with this guy from out of state. He was funny, made me laugh in his emails and we chatted on line and we have a wonderful work relationship. Suddenly one day (about 3 months back)I realized I keep thinking and thinking about this guy and can't wait for weekend to be over. Basically had all the 'lovesick' feelings, unknowingly, he gave me the will to take care of myself again, I joined a gym lost 10 lbs,and suddenly I was smiling a lot on my own, buying new clothes and really..I am ashamed to admit..but never thought I would feel like a 16 year old again. OK - So in a nutshell, I have a major crush on this guy. I have given him enough hints over email in a funny way but other than the occassional caring emails or funny ones to cheer me up, he hasn't directly being romantic in any way.
I am afraid to call him directly and ask since it is work and I dont want to spoil the work relationship and make things uncomfortable. So I have been letting things go ..but lately this has taken over my life..It is like, when he is not available, I am depressed and anyway..you all know how it is..The hurting feelings..etc..does he or doesn't he care?
I keep thinking - If he is not calling on Monday, that means he doesn't miss me..He never has tried to contact during non-work time either...(I do know he is single)..So I am starting to think maybe he was just emailing when he wasnt busy..and that's all he wants. But on the other hand, whenever we talk on phone, it is like we have the same sense of humor, we laugh a lot and when we email even if part is work related, it is always like we think alike and share the same jokes.
Ok..to cut all this short..So what should I do..spoil my friendship or whatever I have by coming out and getting rejected. On one hand, it would be good to get this in open. But makes it difficult as it is work..(again he is not my boss or anything). Probably we wont work as much once this tenure ends. Or just wait for the tenure to end and then see what happens. Sometimes if I see myself from the other side, I am like..'get over it'..but then you start thinking of all the good things and it is hard to just let go..and fear that you never took the plunge to see if there is anything there..
Any advice appreciated.

Have you meet this guy in person? It doesn't sound like it but I want to clarify before commenting on that.
In any event, I think that if he were truly interested, and if the two major hurdles of working together and distance aren't an issue for him (some big "ifs" there), then he would have said or done something to make that clear by now.
Sheri
Thanks Sheri for replying. You are right..not met in person yet. Pathetic, isn't it? Whole of day today, I resolved to try to get over this since I also think if in the last 5 months of working together and enough hints from my side, he would have done something if he were truly interested. The distance is only about 4 hours so it didnt seem like a factor. In some ways I just want to meet, so I can get the clouds out of my eyes..and put a closure. But after talking over phone so much and email, appearance seems secondary to me.
Anyway, so here is the question again. Just forget the whole thing? Which is what I want to do but very hard as Sunday I find it easy to forget and then work days on, he is totally there again. That is the sucky thing about falling for someone at work (though long distance). I keep thinking I didnt want this to happen. It just did..and after all these years, I feel something alive again. That's why my question. Pursue it one last time (with a 80% chance he is not interested) or just let it slide...By the way..he is v non-aggressive..so it is like..I dont know if that is why he is slow..or maybe that is my wishful thinking..:(
Have you guys ever talked about meeting in person? Rather than put the cart before the horse and start thinking about how great it would be with him, how about meeting? At least you'll know if the chemistry is just over the phone or if it translates in person.
Sure, it's a risk, but ... no risk, no reward, right? Sure, I can understand not wanting to ruin the friendship, but ... big picture here, all you've got is a phone friend. I don't mean to sound like I'm minimizing it, but ... in the big picture, you have maximized his role in your life by the thoughts you're having about him. So, in reality, in its most simple terms ... he's just a guy you like to talk with on the phone. He's not a FRIEND in the truest sense of the word because he's not there for you like a friend, he's not interacting in your life, he's not really even there outside of business hours ... so, all things considered, you have to ask yourself "what or how much would I really be losing if I suggested meeting in person?"
Lastly, you have to be clear within yourself as to whether or not a LDR is what you really want. Particularly since you guys haven't had the opportunity to get to know each other and establish a friendship in the same area/locale.
If an LDR isn't in your best interests, you might want to chalk him up as "just friend" or work buddy, kwim? Sounds like you have him up on a bit of a pedestal, as you said he's made you feel good again! Ultimately, it's up to you to feel good and find your happiness and willingness to date ON YOUR OWN. No one else can do that for you. And, making another person responsible, in your mind, for the changes you've made (ie, losing weight, going to the gym, smiling more) ... that's too much responsiblity to put on him (even if you're only attributing the motivation to him in your mind). Your motivation to make positive changes and want to date again has to be within you!
Good luck!
Starbuck, thanks for the reply. I feel better already. Maybe I did have him on a pedestal. That can happen when after 3 whole years, you finally meet someone who makes you feel 21 again. Yes, LDR has its challenges and ideally wouldn't do it..but can't choose to feel the way I feel. I was thinking about this, and I had given him enough hints about meeting in person, but usually over email and he has ignored those lines. Haven't talked about that on phone. Didnt want to do that and make work life uncomfortable. For now, I am thinking of cooling things off this work week..and communicating on a need-to basis. See where that takes me. If he does miss me and wants to chat, I can start to get bolder in our conversation. Else whatever hurt I feel, I need to let go and move on. About making me feel alive again, yes he did initiate my wanting to look good again and taking care of myself, but I know I will continue to do that whether this guy is in the future or not. So I guess I am thankful in a way this happened and I do feel good about the way I look (even though it all started few months back in the hope that we meet over summer).
So anyway..I may be singing a different tune tomorrow but as of today..I want to cool it with emails..and only reply on a as-needed basis..see if I can get some sanity into the picture.
Thanks .