Not sure where I stand sometimes

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Not sure where I stand sometimes
4
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 6:51am
Hi
I have been exclusively seeing a man for several moths now. Started out strong & intense. Always together, phone calls from him throughout the day, e-mails, poems, cards etc. We talked about moving in together - every aspect of the relationship was on fast forward. We knew things were rushing to quick, escpecially since we both have children from past relationships. So we put that idea on the back burner for now. But I don't get the calls as often, or the e-mails & we are not spending as much time together. Now it is just weekends & one night a week. Before we may have spent one night apart a week & even then he called 10 times. There are times that he reverts to his old self, ful of passion & devotion & promises. But we hardly have sex anymore - and that is frustrating. He falls asleep when he comes over. Even on weekends he falls asleep before the kids do sometimes & our plans for a romantic intimate evening are thrown by the wayside. It is frustrating. Sometimes I think he is just fullfilling an obligation when we do have sex. He prefers to cuddle on the couch which is fine & I am not complaining about that but I do think it is odd. He tells me it is because he can't be comfortable in his life with all his stress from work etc. and the only time he can relax is when I am lying with him. I shouldn't doubt him since he does still say all the right things. He says he feels very fortunate that we are together, can't understand what I am doing with him.
The other big issue is that he drinks a lot. Which I think could explain his mood swings. Also explains why he falls asleep early.
I just wish I could understand why I feel he is pulling away. He was the one that instigated everything in fast forward mood originally. He wanted to move in together, he was the one that was here at my place every night just because he missed me so much during the day.
Sometimes I feel like I am getting mixed signals from him, and then other times he is so loving and perfect that I laugh at myself for ever doubting him. It is like being on a roller coaster ride - do I throw in the towel and get off before I get hurt? I don't want my child to get to attached to him if he is going to be gone from our lives soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 8:52am

mitchellj2004...

Pianoguy thinks it's entirely possible that your b/f likes the degree of comfort (SEXUAL AND OTHER STUFF) that you provide.

Question is...."is this enough to keep you satisfied?"

This leaves you with the choice of accepting him (and his habits of falling asleep or drinking too much)....or making it clear that YOU NEED A LITTLE MORE THAN THIS. Approach the man gently, but honestly....state your desires....and then see how he responds to them.

Good Luck!

Pianoguy

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 11:20am

You do realize that him coming on so strong at the beginning is a HUGE red flag, right? Emotionally healthy people don't jump in so quickly...they take their time getting to know someone before they promise the moon.

So is him telling you that he doesn't understand why you are with him...not to mention the fact that he drinks a lot.

If a healthy relationship is your goal, he doesn't sound like a good prospect.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 2:07pm
He put his best foot forward in the first few months (flowers, cards, lots of dates) and now he's reverted to his "old self" (the drinking, falling asleep early and taking you for granted side). If the relationship is this unfulfilling now, imagine how it will be in 5 or 10 years from now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 4:32pm
I know most people will take the relationship angle on this one but I've got to take the kid angle. You are obligated to protect your child from unhealthy environments and if someone you're dating is creating an environment that is not ideal for your child, nothing else matters. By unhealthy, I do mean the excessive drinking but I also mean the rushing into the relationship, saying he can't relax without you, wanting to move in so soon. Those are all warning signs of an unstable personality. I don't mean to sound harsh, but when it comes to kids, I see no other way.
If you absolutely can't see that angle, then I'll remind you of this... a roller-coaster is only fun for a while. Sooner or later, your body and mind get sick from all the instability. We are not built to be in constant motion, we need an even keel most of the time.