Not used to any different

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
Not used to any different
4
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 8:38pm

I've just met someone, who I really like, and I'm not sure if we're actually 'together' yet, although he's started calling me by pet names and he's admitted to me that he really cares about me. What do you think he's trying to say there?

My past has really affected my life, and it's taken me a long time to move on and be happy again. The only issue I have right now is how do I get used to being treated nicely? This guy I've just started seeing treats people very well, including his family, friends and is the type to do anything for them..and I'm picking up vibes that he's the same in a relationship too.

I'm not used to this. Recently, he spoke of taking me away for a holiday, and I felt awkward. This awkwardness isn't linked to how I feel about him, it's just that I'm not used to being treated like this, as all of my past relationships have never gone anywhere, and I was also in one abusive relationship in the past. He doesn't know about this.

Maybe I'm scared that if I open up to something good, I may lose it? Not sure.

I'm also just worried that I may not live up to being this perfect girlfriend that he's looking for. All of my past relationships have been a disaster, so I'm thinking it must be me.

Need some advice.

Thanks,

Katherine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 11:38pm

Hi there, by your post you may be experiencing what people exposed to abuse go through. Did you go to therapy after the fact, if did not then you should. The scars left by abuse are the ones that live within you and the ones that affect your relationships. The new guy is nice to you and feel ackward. That's normal as you're used to be treated badly. You think you don't deserve nice treatment or even gifts. Thinking that you'll never be the perfect GF your guy wants is another pattern of thinking in people who were/are abused. They feel the need to act and behave and even think similar or alike to the BF/GF. They're people pleasers and doormats. The fact that you haven't told your BF about the past abuse will make it difficult when you act one way and he doesn't understand why. Until you get rid of all the baggage you have you'll never be healthy and successful in a relationship.

I'd suggest to go to therapy and work through the abuse you went through. This way it'll be easier to accept the niceguy in your life. It's a good thing that you realize that there may be something that is affecting your bahavior in this relationship, that's the first step. Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 3:21am

I can understand your situation well! I have had a similar dating history and have had many years of therapy working through these situations. But I've found it's one thing to rationalize through these things with a therapist (which is VERY important and I highly recommend) yet another thing to actually live this new situation with a nice person and feel the feelings it brings up. I've found that going to counseling while dating to be helpful. It's not something where one thing has to come before the other, IMO, you have to continue working on yourself while you're out there building and trying new relationships.

I've also started to date someone very nice. It can be uncomfortable at times because I'm not sure what to expect, but each time we're together I'm plesantly surprised by how well things go. I've slowly started to open up to him about some things in my past and he's been very understanding and really quite unphased by it. My advice to you would be to try and relax and enjoy his company. This might not be "the one" ...or he might be. Too soon to tell. Right now just enjoy the whole experience of being with a caring and kind person -- it's what you can give and it's you deserve!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 4:15pm

Hi,

Thanks for that. Your reply was a great help. It was on my mind today, and doubt it'll do me any harm to speak to someone about this issue.

I'd like to think that a lot of it has gone away, as I took time out from relationships, and has been about 3 years since my last proper one. In that time, I've learnt to cope by myself, and become more independant..which is still a good thing in relationships I think.. because you still want to be your own person, and not reply on your partner too much...and I do feel ready for a relationship now.

I think the only real issue is that the way this guy usually treats his girlfriends is not what I'm used to, so I guess it's something different to me.

I'm feeling like the right person has come along, so I don't really want to lose what we might have, so I'll take your advice and speak to someone.

Katherine.

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Hi there, by your post you may be experiencing what people exposed to abuse go through. Did you go to therapy after the fact, if did not then you should. The scars left by abuse are the ones that live within you and the ones that affect your relationships. The new guy is nice to you and feel ackward. That's normal as you're used to be treated badly. You think you don't deserve nice treatment or even gifts. Thinking that you'll never be the perfect GF your guy wants is another pattern of thinking in people who were/are abused. They feel the need to act and behave and even think similar or alike to the BF/GF. They're people pleasers and doormats. The fact that you haven't told your BF about the past abuse will make it difficult when you act one way and he doesn't understand why. Until you get rid of all the baggage you have you'll never be healthy and successful in a relationship.

I'd suggest to go to therapy and work through the abuse you went through. This way it'll be easier to accept the niceguy in your life. It's a good thing that you realize that there may be something that is affecting your bahavior in this relationship, that's the first step. Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 4:22pm

Thanks for your reply. Relieved I'm not the only one. Though it was just me, at the rate I've been going.

I've decided to give counselling a go, because it can't hurt, and would be good to finally get to talk a lot of it out.

Kate*

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can understand your situation well! I have had a similar dating history and have had many years of therapy working through these situations. But I've found it's one thing to rationalize through these things with a therapist (which is VERY important and I highly recommend) yet another thing to actually live this new situation with a nice person and feel the feelings it brings up. I've found that going to counseling while dating to be helpful. It's not something where one thing has to come before the other, IMO, you have to continue working on yourself while you're out there building and trying new relationships.

I've also started to date someone very nice. It can be uncomfortable at times because I'm not sure what to expect, but each time we're together I'm plesantly surprised by how well things go. I've slowly started to open up to him about some things in my past and he's been very understanding and really quite unphased by it. My advice to you would be to try and relax and enjoy his company. This might not be "the one" ...or he might be. Too soon to tell. Right now just enjoy the whole experience of being with a caring and kind person -- it's what you can give and it's you deserve!