Obsessed with his ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2005
Obsessed with his ex
2
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 9:10pm
I must be crazy. I posted a message on here many months ago and got some really good feedback. Please refer to that as this is what this about. I don't know if the situation is changed with him and I just can't let it go. I still have this fear that he is doing it behind my back and that bothers me so much! I am obsessed with his ex now and I don't know why. I look at her website almost all the time....I know....weird. I know this is not normal but I can't help it. I just want to get over it and move on but I just can't let it go since I don't know if he has or not. I suppose that I just have to trust him but it's so hard as he's done this so much that it's tainted the way I feel and possibly our relationship....well, there's not doubt about that. I don't want this to last forever and I want to get back on track but I'm, having trouble. The thing that I fear the most is I'm taking this way too far. Perhaps hes stopped but I have no way of knowing! Again, I understand that's where the trust factor again comes in. I have probably answered my own questions in this, I suppose that I just need to hear someones elses input. Is it possible that he has stopped and I'm being paranoid? Should I go ahead but with caution? There is alot at stake here and I don't want to lose it but I am driving myself absolutely crazy with this.......
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 9:48am

hardtofindlove..

Pianoguy thinks the "only thing you have at stake" (your sentence) here is T-I-M-E!

Unless the man has promised you COMPLETE EXCLUSIVITY with no contact with any other women, you have 2 choices:

1. Believe him
or
2. Stop seeing him

No woman can assume the role of "keeper"----unless she happens to be the mother of a child? And that responsibility doesn't last indefinitely.

Pianoguy

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 4:44pm

here is the post from hartofindlove from December:

Not sure what to make of this - perhaps a little help is in order. I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. When we first started dating we were very open and honest with each other. In the past, I have always had a communicating problem but with months of therapy, I have realized that that is the key to successful relationship! He has always believed this so I thought that this was a match made in heaven. We spoke openly about past relationships and found out things that I now wish that I didn't know.

I too have gone through rough relationships and break ups but I don't quite know what to do with what I am dealing with.

He was married to a woman for 12 years. They have 3 children. From my understanding, he was miserable with it but stayed because of the kids. They finally separated and after a few months, he started to date again. He met a woman online that he conversed with and by strange coincidence, the two of them actually ran into one another by fluke in a department store. It was not until a bit later that he realized that this is the same girl that he was interested in online! Well, one thing led to another and they moved in together not soon after they started dating. He then brought his son into the picture and they instantly became a family. Months past and it seemed to be going well then one day she up and told him that she wants him out of the house. She said it was because she felt that she could not enjoy her life and party with her friends because she is now tied down. To make a long story short, he went mad. He was obsessed with her. He would write her poems, drive past her house, call her, and even threatened to kill himself because this was making him miserable. It didn't help that he was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder due to the fact the he had fought in wars during his military service. She eventually put a restraining order on him and moved away for a few months but that didn't stop him from osessing over her. I read a journal that he wrote - with his permission. It expressed how he wanted her back and would do anything - something that I didn't not expect to find. He finally realized that he was stuck in a rut and moved to the other side of the country. This is where I met him.

During the first couple of months in our relationship, he was great however I did see some suspicious things on his computer. Not through snooping though, please don't get me wrong. They were personal sites that he once had accounts on. Through communication, I kindly asked him what that was all about. He told me that he checked up on his ex's website (they gave each other one anothers passwords) to see what she was up to. I mentioned to him that if he wanted to move on - because I did know about how he fled to put all that in the past - he had to let go of the past. He agreeded. It happened again. I let it go. Now I was suspicious to the point where I snooped and found alot of things that I really didn't want to see or know but it gave me a better idea of the person that I was dealing with. I still stayed - thinking the whole time it would get better. He wrote her a "closure" poem and posted it on his website. He still checked up on her (they had been broken up by this time over 1 year) and even wrote her an email saying that he wanted to talk which I discovered. I again expressed my concern and hurt by this. It continued months into our relationship until I had finally had it and told him that I wanted out. He begged for me not to go and said that this was it - this "habit" as he calls it - was not worth losing me over. Am I crazy to stay? Will he ever get over this? He was told me many times over how much this woman hurt him, how much he loved her, how much he wanted it back at that time, etc. I understand how a break up can affect many people different ways as we are all different but to carry this on throughtout another relationship (and this is 9 months into ours!). Is he over it? How can i tell?




Edited 7/5/2006 4:49 pm ET by blondie0506