Obsessive

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Obsessive
21
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:29am
Ok all...I'm just posting here to keep myself from being overly obsessive. I am supposed to go to dinner with a guy that I like a lot, who claims that he likes me (check my previous posts, you'll see what I'm talking about). He is a very last minute type of guy, very spontanious, doesn't plan much. Of course, I'm the opposite, love to know what is going on at all times, very detail oriented. Ok, call me a type 'A' personality, that's fine.

SO, we had tenatively discussed meeting at about 6 or 7 for dinner tonight. He said he would definately call me before then to finalize. Now last time we were supposed to go out for dinner, he called me at 5. I had to cancel due to bad weather anyway, but that is an example of how last minute he is.

I REFUSE to call him today to find out details, although I want to know desperately. So I'm here to vent and hope that this will keep my mind off of it while I'm at work, with no work to do!!!

Am I doing the right thing? I will not be the one to make all the phone calls, etc...I figure if he's that interested in me, he can pursue it also.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: megdf
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 12:50pm
Don't micromanage him. There's nothing worse than someone nagging at you. You either trust him to come through or you shouldn't go out with this guy. Clearly, this is driving you crazy. You should try to talk to him about your needs aroud dating or seek out someone else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
In reply to: megdf
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:28pm
I agree, but the heart sometimes takes over and one has no logic once that happens.

He just called (I'm amazed) to tell me that the car he just bought is having problems (I know this is true because it has been going on for over a week now), and that he didn't know what was up for tonight. I'm not sure if that was his way of trying to break it off for tonight or not, as he said he would call me back in a few hours.

I want to offer to come pick him up, but I don't want to be too pushy either. I'm trying to be nonchalant, but I don't want to come across as cold either. I feel like it's a no win. How do I let him know I really want to see him without coming across as obsessive???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: megdf
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:34pm
I pray his initials aren't DW and you are in Boston cause if you are,

run for the hills. It was my experience that the non-planners are simply

very indecisive, unreliable and the reason they don't plan or wait til

the last minute is because they are juggling several different plans

and want to see which one is going to pan out to be better. This might

not be the case with your guy but I know that I was always walking on

eggshells; not knowing if I'd see him or if he wanted to see me. It

made me physically ill. (oh and 50% of those 'other' last minute plans

were other women).
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: megdf
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:40pm
but you ARE obsessive...and if he's going to be with you any length of time he's going to figure it out...and it'll be cute or he'll run. he's got to know you, the real you. trying to pretend to be different is playing underhanded.

Go ahead and ask him if he needs a ride, there's nothing wrong with that! wouldn't you do that for a co-worker?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
In reply to: megdf
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:47pm
Ha! No, I'm not in Boston...his initials aren't DW, but it sounds like we're on the same page.

I AM physically ill over this, and I don't know why I do this to myself.

I need to tell him what my expectations are (as one of the other posts said), yes, but when he's constantly changing plans, I have no chance to.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
In reply to: megdf
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:49pm
Very good point. He DOES know that I am a planner, and I need details.

I guess he is not really being respectful of that. I give him credit for at least calling me to let me know that he doesn't know what is going on tonight, but I need more than that!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: megdf
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:51pm
So, accept that he's not a planner and doesn't "need more than that" - stop dating someone who doesn't share your 'style of approaching life".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
In reply to: megdf
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:56pm
Could be a possiblity. However, one should not tell someone that he will do things that he's not willing to do. And it's not so much about the lack of planning as it is the I can't tell if he's being honest or not.

Regardless, I believe this is something I need to get over. I have to accept that not only a dating relationship with him but also a very valued friendship with him is over.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: megdf
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 2:04pm

"I believe this is something I need to get over. I have to accept that not only a dating relationship with him but also a very valued friendship with him is over."


I'm not sure I understand this... Yes, I agree it is something you need to get over but I don't understand why the relationship has to end...


If you are in a relationship you should be able to talk to your partner about those things that bother you. It is obvious that you two have different styles but it doesn't mean the end of the world, does it? In time you may learn to relax a little more and become more spontaneous and he may learn to become more of a planner.


But, why is it that you can't sit doen with him and simply tell him your feelings? Why can't you just tell him that you need a little more time for a date... you need to schedule your time as most people do and not sit by the phone waiting to see what he is going to do...


Believe me, if this is the only problem there is in the relationship it is certainly worth discussing, don't you think?


tg

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
In reply to: megdf
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 2:11pm
I'm not sure why I can't just discuss this with him. I am usually very blunt with people and tell them exactly how I feel. For some reason I have never been able to do that with him. I do believe it is worth sitting down & discussing, but if he keeps doing what I feel is playing games then I don't have the time to do that.

I want so badly to believe that this is an honest story he is giving me, but I feel that if he really wanted to see me, he could make other arrangements, ask me to come out and see him, etc...

And I don't want to be the one always taking the initiative! We have a history that makes me feel that I'm being played with, and I tend to think I should follow my instincts.

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