Obsessive
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Obsessive
| Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:29am |
Ok all...I'm just posting here to keep myself from being overly obsessive. I am supposed to go to dinner with a guy that I like a lot, who claims that he likes me (check my previous posts, you'll see what I'm talking about). He is a very last minute type of guy, very spontanious, doesn't plan much. Of course, I'm the opposite, love to know what is going on at all times, very detail oriented. Ok, call me a type 'A' personality, that's fine.
SO, we had tenatively discussed meeting at about 6 or 7 for dinner tonight. He said he would definately call me before then to finalize. Now last time we were supposed to go out for dinner, he called me at 5. I had to cancel due to bad weather anyway, but that is an example of how last minute he is.
I REFUSE to call him today to find out details, although I want to know desperately. So I'm here to vent and hope that this will keep my mind off of it while I'm at work, with no work to do!!!
Am I doing the right thing? I will not be the one to make all the phone calls, etc...I figure if he's that interested in me, he can pursue it also.
SO, we had tenatively discussed meeting at about 6 or 7 for dinner tonight. He said he would definately call me before then to finalize. Now last time we were supposed to go out for dinner, he called me at 5. I had to cancel due to bad weather anyway, but that is an example of how last minute he is.
I REFUSE to call him today to find out details, although I want to know desperately. So I'm here to vent and hope that this will keep my mind off of it while I'm at work, with no work to do!!!
Am I doing the right thing? I will not be the one to make all the phone calls, etc...I figure if he's that interested in me, he can pursue it also.

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well, only you know how you feel and only he knows how he feels and until you lay it on the table in front of you and examine it, there is no way it will change.
It seems like you have become attached to him but you fear discussing this with him for fear he will go away, yet you aren't happy with it the way it is. Keeping silent will cause you to build resentment which will eventually show and he may go away because of the change in attitudes and behaviors. In other words, your self protection feature may cause the very thing you fear the most to actually happen.
You feel that he is playing games and he may or may not be. This may very well just be his style of bahavior. I, myself, am sorta a cross between spontaneous and a planner... some events require planning and sometimes they don't. I can pick up the phone and call my SO and say, "I was thinking about going to _________, would you like to go?" She then has the option of saying yes or no. Now, If I am planning for a concert, for example, which requires planning (tickets, clothing, etc) it is necessary to plan ahead.
There has to be some flexibility built into the plan as well... sure, you could have offered to drive since he was having car trouble, but you didn't. Don't hold it against him because he didn't ask you to. some men just don't want to impose by asking a woman to do something that they feel responsible for doing themselves. It doesn't mean he isn't interested, it just means that he didn't ask.
Communication is the key here - you and he need to learn to communicate in such a way that it works best for both of you - and, ya know what? You can't learn to communicate more effectively without communicating! Ironic, isn't it?
tg
I can be spontanious. That is what led me to this mess was his calling me out of nowhere and my saying, "Ok, I'm on my way." BUT, I have already rearranged my schedule this week for tonight, and if he's going to play around, I'm not in for that. I see no reason why he can't say, "let's go eat, and if my car is done & they call my (on my cell phone) then we'll go pick it up." and I intend to tell him that when he calls me back.
I do know that this is his style of behavior, but like I said, I feel that he knows I have a busy life, and I'm doing my best to fit him in. I deserve the same from him.
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You're a type A planner...you don't "handle life's obstructions or unanticipated situations" well - believe me,I've been you and everything you've posted as the "old me' written all over it.
You plan, you pursue, you get yourself organized, scheduled, prepared, and ready and you want NO deviation from the plan.
Your problem is that you've become attracted to someone precise because he "goes with the flow,handles the unexpected, he doesn't have to plan or prepare - and yet he's a success". Subconsciously you might easily be looking to glean some of his life skills - and in dealing with him you find that your every nerve, belief, and priority is hit as if you've been clobbered with a 2x4 based on your conflicting "style".
You don't want to communicate that you're perceiving you're disrespected because you know precisely what you'll hear....."I'm not disrespecting yo, I'm being me and if you don't like it or can't handle it I don't know wht to tell you - we'll stop hanging out on such a serious level".
And that within you causes conflict...you want to remodel and mold him to be a type A, anal rententive, planner and preparer so that he'll be "who you are"...but if you could get that out of him he'd lose his appeal entirely because what appeals is his ability to handle hte unexpected, go with the flow, and that offers you the impression of "security" on a very fundamental level. YOu know that the second things get outside of your depth, planning, preparation or scope you're completely lost, confused, unfocused, terrified, and unsuccessful - you want the alliance so that he can handle "life' for you - but you want him to change how he handles life.
You've got a 3fold problem....accept how you are. And then realize that interacting on a romantic level with someone who differs so greatly in style is going to impact you negatively -and if you decide to continue wiht it - it's got to be the attitude of "you're the teacher, I'm the pupil - teach me to go with the flow, handle the unexpected" and then you'll be in charge of learning from him, while not "losing yourself".....and you'll be a better person for doing it. If you're doing this task well, he'll never be overmuch aware of your unrest or unease..becuase your purpose is to learn the skills he possesses - meaning you mustlet him be himself, and you handle it, and if it steps on your beliefs and values nad principles (not just upsets your feelings) you'll have to step in and not do what he's doing because you believe it is wrong - not just uncomfortable or scary.
Make sense?
Or, you really do need to stick wtih type A, anal rententive, planners, preparers, and organizational chart types...which isn't a bad thing...it's just that hwen your whole life is planned out and then "life happens" - you're tossed around without the skills to handle the unexpected...which is precisely why he appeals you to, why you're unwilling to communicate "like you usually do".
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
When I met him, I COULD be more spontanious. I had the time and the lifestyle for it. I still can, somewhat, but not to those extremes. When we talked about starting a relationship, I told him that I am a planner, and that he has to remember that. I guess that's his way of remembering, by calling me 5 hours beforehand and telling me he doesn't know if it's going to work tonight. And that I do appreciate. BUT, I can just see him calling me at 8 tonight and saying, "OK, let's go to dinner now." After I've gotten home & into my pjs, makeup off, etc... (It takes time to be a woman you know!)
So, I've made plans to have a drink with my friend after work, and I will just see how it pans out with him.
The part that really bothers me is that I am afraid that he is just blowing me off. He has done it before, when we were not in any type of formal relationship. And after the conversation we had last week, I damn well better not be getting blown off!
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People do what they do because they want to do it. Their values and priorities justify and entitle their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires. Those same values determine in all situations thier character, conscience, integrity and honor.
Okay..there's the "set reality" - now within that - realize that priorities and values are personally defined and allotted and often priorities can change with situations or goals or unexpected events.
You've thought this guy is blowing you off...but if his constant "modus operandi in life" is to plan nothing - to allow all the options to come in before determining what he does...he's never "blown you off" - except by your definition and standard which has you "having to have time to be a woman".
Here's him saying "come out and let's do dinner" at 10pm, let's be casual - throw on some jeans....and here's you going "I don't do jeans, I don't do unplanned, I don't do this and so you have just eliminated dinner from my options and opportunities"......reread that last sentence.....HE did not blow you off....HE did not elminate dinner with him as an option - YOUR STANDARDS DID and have you thinking he blew you off because you don't "do things like you do."
Really, seriously...I can't explain the metamorphosis I underwent...and I do get it is a "fine line". I went from overplanned, overorganizd, scheduled, prepared, and pursuant....to find myself just totally "drawn" to someone who can't decide on Friday what he's doing Friday night and will let me know if he's going to showup before midnight around 8pm (he's got a 4 hour drive!). It taught me so much how I had put inappropriate responsiblity on my previous partners...here was me "prioritizing being with them but by my standards" - I'd just never reviewed patterns based on values and priorities rather than situations as if they occurred in a vacuum.
No wonder i went around upset wtih men and in bad relationships annd marriages from 17 to 33....and I didn't get with this guy till I was 37 because "every man had disappointed me and I couldn't take more of that!"
I was never assessing who they were...I was always assessing what i wanted and who I was based on the alliance...so everything they did that ran amuck of my standards or plans was consider an insult or a slight..and i was hurt (or worse) as a result.
Today....it's a fine line...I do acknowledge it....we're still together 4 years later. I've become the athlete I'd have never become - had I not learned to go with the flow, handle the unexpected, and "turn it on" when the situation allowed.....I've become the person who's not afraid of life, setting her own goals meeting her own standards and expectations - while enjoying every minute of his involvement with me and me with him...but not "expecting" it to do anything for me except "enhance who I am because of how I am" - I finally accept me. I'm still so much more organized and planning than he is -it's not funny...oddly enough, SOME OF IT RUBBED OFF! Just like some of his style rubbed off - but it's becuase we both saw the value in each other's approach and style and learned to mesh it with our own..rather than try to adopt it instead of being who we are as individuals.
It doesn't always work out...but you kno what.....nothing every "works out" - not really. His perception of life for just a few seconds each day has taught me that "nothing has ever worked out like I planned" and today I'm so glad....what I had planned for my life and lifestyle - I'd hve been so bored, so unsuccessful, so boring, so unfulfilled, so insecure...heck, I might even be drinking or eating inappropriately again.....if what I had had planned for "me" at 35 was a reality today - it would s(*k BIG TIME. And it was adopting his approach -while never letting go of my beliefs, values and standards and some of my ways of doing things...that enabled the great life that is mine, to be mine.
You probably need to study some Eastern religion principles....it really did work wonders. I mean, your perception is your reality - it's the position from which you deal. with everything.
It was hearing things like "open your mind to change while never letting go of your values" that enabled me to do things "differently" while never losing sight of my goals, and learning to take responsibility for my actions and whether I succeeded by my own definitions, efforts, means and standards.
Believe me, I've so radically altered who I am....alot based on my involvement with him, people keep bugging me "write a book - you were so anal and now you're so complete and happy and content and successful" - if I ever do, not that it would sell, the dedication goes to him....you can't accept others without accepting yourself...and he required me to step outside of my self-imposed restrictions...and that expanded my horizons.
Note of caution: this is not "do what he does"...this is study what he does, adapt it for your goals and to meet your needs, and always take responsibility for what you do and the outcome of it.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
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You want to spend time with him..you want that more than you want to go somewhere else, or do something else, or be with someone else. You want to spend time with him.
And his lack of planning has you believing that you're not as high on his priority list as he is on yours...and now you're obsessed with not coming across as needy, possessive, or insecure sothat he "won't want to be with you".
Here's the thing...a guy like this - he's never NOT doing what HE WANTS TO DO. IF you're needy - he won't be around you. He won't want to be and won't be a result of that reality.
It's imperative to keep in mind...at all times, in all situations, this guy's priorities and values are determining his actions....what is a real fact is that 'being with you" is NOT taking priority over what else he has going on in his life.
It took me about 3 years with the guy I'm with now to "get it"....it wasn't wrong for me to call and say "hey, are you still coming tonight, or are you coming tomorrow, or what are we going to do - at least as far as you know - about racing this weekend?" It wasn't wrong to "check his status" - because the answer was going to be the same all the time - he either knew and would tell me or he wasn't sure and would tell me that.
What hit on all my "denial nerves" was that "I wanted to be with him more than he wanted to be with me"...that was my issue...I really did have to come to grips with that. It was tough....me sitting and looking inward and going "I want to be with you over everything else and you're willing to be with me if nothing else that you prioritize or want is available to do." That wasn't exactly correct...i couldn't see it in my black or white previous way of thinking (imagine that - I have gray area!). But for about 3 years I had to keep that perception as a reality based fact...I was putting off at times, or forgoing at times things I wanted or wanted to do 'because I wanted to be with him more than I wanted to do or have those other things" - that required me to take respnsiblity in full for my life - my life has become so successful and so full as aresult of that approach. Which was different than the responsible me with a chip on my shoulder becuase nobody cooperated with my agenda, schedule and plans!
About 3 years into it - I had to have a talk. I said I wasn't wanting mroe - but I did want to know where I stood. Not in terms of the future -but just "right now" - was he ocming here and visiting and being with me becuase it was easy, fun, convenient and no obligation - or was he coming here becuase he "wanted" to do it. The look on his face was incredible....and it really did show me a more complete view of objective review in every way.
His response wasn't flippant or dismissive...he was flabbergasted that i never realized all the options and opportunities and evets that he was giving up, and doing without, and eliminating from his agenda in order to make this drive, train so hard, race so well, and do it with me when he had the option and ability to stay in hotels, eat out, be with other people (lots of them women making him offers without obligations!). I'd never viewed it that way...I'd always thought "here's me doing all the adjusting, sacrificing and giving in terms of "i'm not getting to be anal rententive"..and the flip side was just as true...he was now forced to plan in order to be with me and do waht we were doing...and I couldn't see that it was a sacrifice and change on his part due to his priority of me because it did not "meet my anal rententive standard of planning and preparation."
From that day on...things changed radically. I stopped having all this "standards he had to live up to or else he didn't like or want me"..and I started communicating and telling him how i feel and what I think (which are two different things - FYI) What you think is basedon your standards, beliefs, values and goals and experiences...what you feel is basedon situations and your feelings are constantly changing.
Just get really honest with yourself, break down the barriers, admit how it is, take responsibility for the fact that you're doing this becuase you want to not because you're forced to because of "how he is"...and you'll just have a whole different life - believe me.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Oh, the drama!
If you don't mind, I would like to keep in touch with you though. You are really helping me to see some things, and since you say that at one time you were a lot like me (which I find it hard to believe), you may be able to help me change some of my evil ways!
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The only reason I rearranged my schedule is because he works on the weekends at night, and some weeknights. I have a more flexible schedule, so I fit him in because I could. Otherwise, he would have to fit into my time. More than anything I wanted to see him tonight so I could discuss some of this with him, since it's driving me nutty!
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