Oh my gosh

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2005
Oh my gosh
6
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 11:30am
I've posted on here several times about my relationship with the person I've been dating for almost 3 years now. We've had rough times because of circumstances that make it tough for both of us. He has 4 girls and a very involved ex wife.
I'll try to shorten it a bit. I spent the past weekend with him and 3 of the daughters at his house. We had a great time, and his girls have always seemed to like me. Well when we took them back to meet up with their mother. The oldest daughter (12) shows her dad a flyer that she had given out to 75 people (while with her mother). That was basically an ad to date her dad describing what he's looking for and that mainly he wanted someone that was nice to his four girls and not a jealous person. I have never been anything but nice to his girls, in fact bent over backwards for them. Anyway, the phone number on the flyer is his ex wife's cell phone number. It said "call for an interview". So....one of my friends called it and the ex said: "My daughter is just confused, we are getting back together, we've been seeing each other and talking and we are going to surprise the girls".. Well, my question today is how to handle this. Do I stay quiet? Is she just bating me to get a reaction? Is she just nuts?
The day we got this flyer, which was handed to thedad the day we returned the girls, and I read it, he called his daughter and said that he loved me and she better get used to it. He took a stand, which I was happy about. Should I confront his ex? Should I ignore it?
He won't talk to her about what she's doing to his kids, or this interferance in our relationship. That part I can't understand.
Help please
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: iredhead40
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 12:14pm

He took a stand...but with his 12 year old daughter, not her mother, who condoned her actions. That is the easy way out, IMO.

No, you shouldn't confront the ex...that is HIS job. If he's unwilling to set appropriate boundaries with her, nothing you can do will change that.

Have the two of you tried couples counseling?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: iredhead40
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 12:23pm

His daughters and his are free to act as crazy as they want to be. However, your husband should have some gonads to confront these folks who are A)Advertising his availability and B)Thinking that mom and dad are planning to reunite.

You should encourage him to stress that they need to leave him out of their matrimonial plans.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2005
In reply to: iredhead40
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 12:32pm
I told him that she is constantly stomping on him litteraly. He claims her control (being the kids) that she has over him, and that he wishes to remain diplomatic.
I mean you can only be slapped so many times. So that's when I question his feelings for her because he continues to take it.
I've thought about counseling. I need to bring it to his attention.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: iredhead40
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 12:40pm

One can be diplomatic and still set appropriate boundaries. It's not either/or. He's afraid to...he's taking the easy way out. That would not be something I could accept in a partner. Besides, look at the message he's sending to his children!!! "Guess what kids, manipulation works, so this is how you should conduct your relationships when you grow up!" Ugh. How unhealthy for them, and how irresponsible of him.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2005
In reply to: iredhead40
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 2:32pm
And this woman (the ex) works for Dept of Childrens Services and of course holds a degree in Counseling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: iredhead40
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 2:51pm
This is indeed a tough situation and you are very right to let your boyfriend have all the dealings with his ex. He will at some point have to talk to her about the kids and you, but that should probably come if the two of you get engaged. (You have been seeing each other for 3 years - are you
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