Ok guys, Tier system?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Ok guys, Tier system?
9
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 5:27pm
Well, guys, after many experiences with a few guys, etc.... and introduction to this 'tier system' thing and 'into you' vs. not 'into you', etc.... if a guy is really using this tier system, could he still possibly have interest (serious) in someone that is tier 3, tier 4, etc.....

Ex: I have had many guy friends tell me their 'systems', and that the ones they considered marriage material- they don't sleep with, but see occasionally, getting to know them better, etc.... while they are still playing and wanting to have fun, etc.... getting to the stage where they can consider being serious, etc (financially, timing, etc.),.... and wanting to be serious and settle down. Seems dumb to me, but hey, they are guys.

I have dated a guy before that to me, just didn't seem like he was in the stage in his life for serious relationships (only 'dating', and slightly immature)....... wanting to get more financially stable, date more, have fun......yet he expressed interest and I believe he truly had interest (we got together off and on over 2.5 years for dinner, biking, etc.... never had sex....b/c I sensed him wanting casual sex). He did usually call me last minute, sometimes cancel (though canceling doesn't happen anymore), and often wouldn't plan and only last minute stuff, etc. I had interest but thought he was more interested in just casual sexual relationship at that time. Then, just thought his interest was only as friends, so his tier type actions didn't bother me. He has recently expressed more interest, but I am somewhat hesitant due to his history.... and would never get involved unless I sensed true interest (tier one).

To me, any tier below 1 means that they aren't interested (not 'into you'). I'd like to hear guys opintions on this. Guys that have practiced this, done this, not done this, etc.

Could a girl on your tier system actually be a possibility for you in the future?

Please send your thoughts/opinions.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 7:03pm
crazygirl7113...

Speaking on behalf of the "male population"---Pianoguy thinks the TIER SYSTEM...STINKS!

It's another "one size fits all" piece of crap...devised by a frustrated (and probably dateless) woman!

Becoming obsessed with ranking men according to whether they want to MARRY or DON'T is a very dangerous attitude! How would you feel if we spent our time 'judging you' based on the number of times you'd been married, number of affairs you had, or the number of men you slept with? Not good...right?

Many men want to spend an adequate amount of time to get to know a woman BEFORE we agree to "love, cherish and forsake all others" on her behalf! I realize this is a difficult concept for many women to grasp, but a man's timetable...and desire to relinquish 'bachelorhood' in exchange for couplehood...takes a lot longer. So when we're placed on a chart that indicates we're interested, semi-interested or unlikely candidates...what's the point of even trying to get to know you? The tier system (if you believe in it) has made "the call" already!

Perhaps there are women who feel that the moment they get intimate....they're entitled to some sort of a male commitment? (Or at least something more than a one nighter?) But PLEASE remember that IT'S THE WOMAN who has the final choice of letting a man "get closer" or keeping him at arm's length.

As stupid as some of us may appear to be...we all understand the word: "NO!"

Pianoguy





iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 7:25pm
PIANOboy

Your post is somewhat confusing. There are many words that lead me to believe that perhaps you misunderstood.

I DO NOT RANK MEN on levels of interest as you remail inferred. I am referring to men who do this. No where am I inferring obsessing about whether a guy wants to marry or not. Is the word marriage in my post?

Chill-io out-o

Your POST is quite angry and, well, ...... innapropriate.

The tier system is what I SEE GUYS DO. This is not how I treat men......this has been how men (few) have treated me before....and I was only relating what MEN told me about how they date women.

I DO NOT rank men that I date (some women may), but I have seen this is how some guys approach dating..... and when they do this, they are often rude, inconsiderate, selfish, and at times, ... demeaning. Did I strike a cord with my post? You seem to be quite sensitive to this topic? I am sorry if I offended in some way.

I am not judging a man on whether he wants to marry or not..... nor do I think a man treating me as 'tier 1' means commitment, relationship, or marriage. Nor do I think intimacy means commitment or marriage. Quite the contrary. I do things slowly, and appreciate slowness.... I just want communication and honesty..... which is what I give to every guy I date, have a relationship, or commit to.

I agree that a woman has the choice to let a guy get closer to her or not. As well as a guy has a choice/ is able to let or not let a girl get closer to him. What in the world are you talking about?

Whoa, slow down there pianoguy. Your post makes me think you perhaps misunderstood me. I apologize and only hope I did not offend you.

Have a good day!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 7:31pm
Actually, Pianoguy, it was a *guy* who was on Oprah last week!

However, he was very obviously a "playa", not your average joe. I don't think most guys operate that way, although I do think they have "possible keepers" and "good for now women", even if they don't do it consciously.

In any event, the OP is asking if SHE can change the tier the guy originally assigned HER to, not the other way around!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 8:20pm
I don't use the tier system and my friends dont either. It's really all about girlfriend material, sex material or not interested.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 11:30am
Hi Sherri...

Thanks so much for your input on this. Pianoguy has never been fond of "playas" (men or women) because they spoil it for many of us who want an HONEST, LOVING, LONG-LASTING RELATIONSHIP.

Do you suppose we could take this man (who appeared on OPRAH) out for a "public flogging?"

Just a thought...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 12:04pm
Remember that this book was written by a comedian and is based on 1 single line from a fictional TV show. Remember that he said "I'm just a dude" on the show when he described himself.

Reading any book gives us a learning experience, but no book is the official guide to life and relationships. Its a collection of thoughts and suggestions based on a few people's experiences. It is not a global declaration of how all men think and behave. Learn from the book, enjoy the humor (since it was written by a comedian) and use it to broaden your understanding.

Players likely do have some sort of ranking system. To use a business term, I would use the term "Value Contribution" to see if a woman may have impact in my life. You know the value you can contribute then it is up to him to decide if that is something he wants in his life. You also have the identical right.

The bottom line is - "if you do nothing, you will get nothing" and "if you do nothing you give up the right to complain about it" - since you are not proactively driving towards your desired results.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 12:25pm
Spiceman-

Thanks for your post. I am not familiar with the "I'm just a dude" individual you are referring to who appeared on the fictional t.v. show, Oprah. I did not see Oprah, as I have a fulltime job.

I did read the book 3 weeks ago after hearing about it elsewhere, and it IS HILARIOUS. A very funny read, for sure. The book does not really describe the 'tier system', just men's excuses and how women rationalize them. The book isn't really a guide, its just a funny book to read. I do not take t.v. shows or books and apply them to my life like a manual, nor do I think these male behaviors are 'global' representations of how men behave and act...... and hopefully you truly did not get that impression from my post which was a question only.

My 'guide to life' is my heart and my head.... not books or t.v. shows.

I have observations of a few men I have dated, and what my GUY friends have confessed that they do, etc. Thats it. I was only interested in men's opinion on the tier system (I'd say most agree it is stupid and unhealthy), and if this is actually a tactic that gets them the result they want, etc.... and if their 'timing' for more commitment or seriousness can then perhaps turn them around and actually go after a 'worthy candidate'.... and possibly abandon their 'tier system'......hehe.

I agree wholeheartedly that men and women decide what 'value' a person has/can give to their life, etc.... (simplistic way of putting it), I am not raising that issue nor trying to debate it. I guess my initial post was a lot simpler than I guess people are gleaning from it.

Bottom line: The 'tier system' sucks..... and I think a formula for ending up alone. I feel sorry for those who practice/utilize it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 2:40pm
So, I guess I'm still unclear. Is the premise that the tier or level can't change? Once you're in a box, you're there for always?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 3:17pm
bosoxgal

I do not know, as I do not practice the tier system. I have been a victim of it a few times. I was only curious as to guys who use/practice this, and if they truly do have/can have a 'longterm' interest in someone they occasionally see.... while they are dating many..... I guess, simplistically put, a lower tier moves up to higher tier and only tier.

I have had many guy friends tell me their 'system'.... and that yes, even someone they perhaps presently treat as tier 3 or tier 4, is actually someone that they see as a potential longterm mate.

This is all put very simplistically, and humans are complex. It all boils down to uncertainty in my opinion..... and wanting to date many because one does not know what they want. There is nothing wrong with that, as long as you treat someone with respect, consideration, and attempt to communicate and be as honest as you can be (again, easier said than done). The problem with the tier system is it usually leads to vagueness, canceling dates, calling at last minute, not returning calls, dishonesty, disrespect, and can be demeaning/degrading if taken to the usual extreme.

I was only trying to solicit guys opinions. Unfortunately, pianoguy thought I was stating that I practiced or beleived in the tier system, which is not what I was saying.... at all.

Do you have experience with guys 'dating you' this way?