OK, I need everyone's opinion

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
OK, I need everyone's opinion
3
Thu, 11-23-2006 - 5:58pm
I posted about my male friend giving me advice about not "giving it up too soon" in the future to guys I am dating. So now that my recent "disappearing boyfriend" is being more hesitant about calling and asking me out, then doesn't that mean I have every right to start dating others? We never discussed commitment, and we went on 5 dates so far, spaced about 5 days apart, so we have been dating for about a month or so. Also, today is Thanksgiving and he didn't invite me to accompany him to his mom's for dinner. Of course, I never met his family yet, and my family is far away, so I had nobody to spend the holiday with, and this guy KNEW it, so I therefore went to a restaurant buffet with two other lonely singles from my apartment complex, and we all consoled each other and ended up having an okay time, lol. So, my question is, even though I was a sucker for sleeping with this guy too soon (ok, the second date, something I NEVER have done before), there was never any discussion of commitment between the two of us. I don't know if this guy is just pulling away or just needing his space to figure out how he feels about me, but I think I have every right to start dating others who have shown interest in me, and this time, NOT jumping under the covers with anyone until a much longer time passes and if/when there is commitment. Does this first guy have any right to be mad if he finds out I am dating others, or do you think he will say "good riddens?" My feelings, as well as my ego are hurt about this, but you better believe, I have learned a lesson about this. What are everyone's thoughts on this? Also, if guys don't respect you if you sleep with them too soon, why the heck do they try then?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-23-2006 - 6:19pm

If you didn't have a discussion and come to an express agreement that you are exclusive, then you are well within your rights to go out on other dates. If he assumed you were exclusive without talking to you about it, then that's his issue.

I'm curious, though, why would you assume that someone is your "boyfriend" after only five dates, since you never discussed exclusivity or commitment?

Good for you for taking care of yourself by going out with other singles today. And starting to date other people would be along the same lines, so I say go for it. If this guy comes back around, you can decide if you want to keep seeing him or not then.

As for sleeping with someone right away, for me it's not about whether the guy will still respect me (because as you say, he's right there with you!) but rather, it's about taking a big risk before I know much about the person. I tend to get strongly attached to the man I'm sleeping with, so if I sleep with him before I know much about him as a person, what he's looking for in a relationship, how reliable he is, all that stuff, I tend to either get really hurt if he turns out not to be a good fit for me and/or disappears on me, or I stay in a relationship that's wrong for me too long, because I have such trouble letting go once I've gotten attached.

But I do not think someone who's right for you will disappear *because* you slept with him early on. I slept with my ex-husband the night we met through mutual friends--and we were together for 10 years. The risk is more that you just don't KNOW whether the person is potentially right for you--not that you "know" at a month, or 2 months or 4 months--but you'll have a much better idea by then so you reduce the risk. Does that make any sense?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Thu, 11-23-2006 - 6:29pm
Sheri, you are definitely right about that. I think that maybe I thought this guy was DIFFERENT and felt it was safe to let my guard down with him, but I guess I was wrong. Oh well, it will be HIS loss. I am corresponding with two other guys, and whoever asks me out first, gets first dibs on a date with me. And this first guy, who is probably overconfident now because he has "conquered" me, is taking a big risk that I may not be available when/if he asks me out again. Yes, I have learned my lesson. Although I think that your case may be more of the exception than the rule. I hoped that my case would have been an exception too, but unfortunately, it looks like this one got away due to my being too quick to give it up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2006
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 11:31pm

I agree with Sheri. I'll admit I've jumped the sheets soon. I get attached quickly, but I think that a guy is either attracted to who you are or what you can give. I would say relax a bit on the dating scene and focus on yourself. Once you find out that you dont have to have someone there, guys will be more available for longer periods of time. In my experience guys want someone who has a seperate life and can co-mingle not someone who wants to jump into a relationship. So go out, enjoy life, dance, laugh and sing and then fit them into YOUR schedule, not the other way around.

Blessed Be~
Morrigan