Okay, dating again! But now I have to...
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| Fri, 12-23-2005 - 7:58pm |
Well, I wish I had found this dating board about six months ago, when I started dating my ex (god, she was truly terrific then! I'd never discuss this with my male friends.
Throughout my life so far, I have preferred to be in dating relationships as opposed to dating randomly constantly. After every relationship I would get tested for STDs and HIV (I used to be terrified of getting HIV, including just from kissing)and I was always relieved to get the completely clean results. When beginning a relationship we'd use condoms, and then eventually go without after we both felt comfortable and asked all the right questions. And those very rare occassions where i've had a one night stand always a condom was used.
Last year a much younger girl kept contacting me online. I was in my 30s and she had just entered college. On our first date, we met at a chain bookstore, and hit it off. Before I took her to dinner, after I parked the car we began kissing. Then she asked me "Would you like me to give you a blow job?" OMG, that seemed kinda strange to be asked - and we just met! Well, having gotten out of a sexless relationship not long before I said "Well, sure!" We went out several more times, usually things went the same way as the first date...
But maybe on the fourth date when she was going down on me I told her it hurt suddenly, and I guess she scratched me with her teeth. We had to stop. but the next morning, when I went to look at the scratch, I saw instead something that looked really scaryy, and hurt like hell when I touched it! I had no idea what it was, so i immediately called my doctor for an emergency appointment....doctor sees me and says "It looks like a classic case of herpes." WHAT??!! I was with my last girlfriend for a long time, and I just had oral sex with this new girl. The doctor blew my mind when he said sure, you can catch herpes from oral sex. I was totally stunned. I never heard of that! Who gets it that way, i have never heard of it ever!
Well, I went into shock, and I could not bring myself to date anyone for like 9 months. I felt extremely shamed, dirty, and felt How could I ever have sex with anyone? But my doctor prescribed Vatrex the very first day to get rid of the active sore, and I read that taking it every day, Valtrex was the very first medicine to be approved to actually prevent transmitting herpes to your partner. I also read that the longer you took it daily, the less remote the chance became of giving it to your partner.
That's when I met my ex. We began dating and soon had sex using a condom. Eventually we talked about not using a condom. I told her I was recently tested for HIV and I definitely did not have it. She did not ask me about any STDs, and since I was taking the Valtrex daily, I didn't tell her about the herpes. I had read that the herpes virus when it is not active is not even located in the penis at all. It sounds very weird, but they say that it travels to the base of your spine and becomes dormant. So, after thinking about it for a long time, I figured that since taking the Valtrex every day kept it dormant, we should be okay, since it would not even be anywhere near my genitals...
Well, the relationship with my ex was going REALLY WELL, and I was so happy. I was definitley falling in love with her. But one day my ex didn;t really want to come over. She started to say" I didn;t want to talk to you about this over the phone.. but I found your Valtrex, and its for treating genital herpes!" She was upset, thought it could harm her future children, and she said that she felt betrayed. I explained why I had not told her about it (taking Valtrex daily, it should not even be anywhere near my genitals, etc.) and long stroy short, after a couple of weeks she decided to continue going out with me. I was, actually, very sorry and felt very guilty. We started to get along well again, and after a few more weeks there was an incident (no, I did NOT cheat!) and it went downhill from there.. resulting in my getting dumped, which I wrote about before.
Now, my question is this: How do I tell this new girl I am now dating, assuming we get that far? I was nervous about not telling my ex, and was tryig to think of a way to tell her when she found the Valtrex; I do not want to nake that same mistake again. Would any healthy, desirable woman still want to be with me??
Jouster

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Hi Jouster... good to hear from you again.
Valtrex was the very first medicine to be approved to actually prevent transmitting herpes to your partner. I also read that the longer you took it daily, the less remote the chance became of giving it to your partner.
I think you need to talk to your doctor again ASAP.
Start
Yes, it is the same ex girlfriend. Thank you for your advice. I'd hope to meet someone that cares about me that much.
If the shoe were on the other foot, I don't know if I could have handled it... But in any event I thank god (actually the researchers) for inventing Valtrex. Its the first of its kind.
Jilly,
Your your responses are thoughtful, and I can tell that you have done your homework. My girlfriend - (*sigh* yes, ex-girlfriend) did get tested for it, and no she didn't catch it.
Thank you for saying that having herpes isn't a death sentence, and that I needn't feel DIRTY. That is, actually, exactly how I felt about myself - dirty - from the moment of diagnosis. Well, after the shock wore off. For me, STDs were something that ghetto people had to worry about. I am a professional, and I thought for sure there was no risk of anything (aside a very slight risk of HIV if present) from receiving oral sex from a woman. I still do feel a "unclean" in a sense inside, but less so than the first 6 to 12 months or so - I did not date anyone.
From my reading on Valtrex, from the NIH website, the valtrex-sponsored( I believe) research study, and the Valtrex website the drug is a breakthrough. No, it definitely is not the CURE. That's too bad. But it does significantly reduce the chances of transmitting the virus through what is called 'asymptomatic viral shedding' which means the times when virus is present and active, but there are no signs of it. I never had another sore since that first one. I don't know how remote the chances become of transmitting it to a future partner but I know it is much better than any previous medicine, and that it gets more and more remote as time goes on, when you take it Valtrex daily.
But you are right, it is not a death sentence at all, its a medical condition that is absolutely more manageable today tthan say 10 or 20 years ago. And if my future partner ever does get it hopefully she too would live symptom-free and not have to worry at all about it, even if she has to take medicine for it.
As far as the vaginal brith risk to the baby, my understanding from the literature is that the risk to to an infant occurs when the mother has her FIRST outbreak when the delivery occurs. Maybe the virus is more virulent the first time? But I think that the condition is manageable afdter the first outbreak, in other words I am guessing that if the doctor knows that the mother has herpes, she or he will make sure she is taking Valtrex or another medicine to make sure there is no outbreak.
*sigh* God knows I woud never want to have herpes! But since I now do, I hope that the combination of the better medicine (and hopefully an even better one or a complete cure in the future)and disclosure at the beginning of the relationship, will allow me to still have love in my life, as well as a satisfying sexual life as well.
Thanks again, Jilly!
PS Should I post about my next topic? I just spoke to the "ex" before the last ex, the one who I saw when she was in crisis which led to my girlfriend (I know, ex girlfriend....) dumping me..
Jouster
It's a medical condition. But just like with any STD, the only ethical thing to do is to tell any woman if you're planning on having any kind of sex with her. There's always the chance that a woman will like you enough that she'll be willing to go forward, provided you take precautions.
Well, your info on the condition is probably more up-to-date than mine.
Start
Alot of women will be willing to date someone with herpes, indeed a lot of women have genital herpes. And there are lots of personal ads where people advertise in the headline they have it. But not on the first date but before you become physically intimate level with her. That way you'll know where you stand
But don't feel you are undesirable or unworthy. Alot of people have STDS.
good luck
sherry
I haven't read any of the other responses. However, I know a bit about the situation because my best friend has herpes.
You might want to visit a herpes support group so you can get some advice from others who have the same issues.
As far as dating is concerned the time to talk about it is on the 3rd or fourth date, before you have had sex. Explain the situation, tell the woman about your treatment, sound knowledgeable and be very honest. She may run she may not, so be prepared to handle the objections and rejections if necessary. You can't make herpes go away so you just have to deal with it.
Please don't have sex with a partner that doesn't know about your disease. If anything, it might have some serious legal ramifications if you knowingly infect somebody else. This isn't a game.
I can't let this one go:
"For me, STDs were something that ghetto people had to worry about"
What exactly is a ghetto person?
Thanks for the message. I have always been a "good" person and this is the first time I feel like I have done something bad. I know I actually didn't do anything bad to deserve getting herpes. But anyway, I hope to find someone who is great for me, and can also deal with this medical situation. God, I hope so. i don;t know how I would reactr to someone telling me they had herpes. I guess I would really have to love them and know how they got it.
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As far as dating is concerned the time to talk about it is on the 3rd or fourth date, before you have had sex. Explain the situation, tell the woman about your treatment, sound knowledgeable and be very honest. She may run she may not, so be prepared to handle the objections and rejections if necessary. You can't make herpes go away so you just have to deal with it.
I personally think telling someone on the 3rd or 4th date is way too soon. I had someone tell me that on a 3rd date, and I thought it was incredibly presumptuous. We were nowhere near ready to sleep together...or at least I wasn't. I stopped seeing him, NOT because of the herpes but because of the poor judgment he showed in talking about sex that early--like he assumed it was a foregone conclusion!
Of course, if that's how quickly you sleep with someone new then you should of course tell the woman before you sleep together...but for many women, that would be way too soon.
Sheri
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