Okay, dating again! But now I have to...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2005
Okay, dating again! But now I have to...
14
Fri, 12-23-2005 - 7:58pm

Well, I wish I had found this dating board about six months ago, when I started dating my ex (god, she was truly terrific then! I'd never discuss this with my male friends.

Throughout my life so far, I have preferred to be in dating relationships as opposed to dating randomly constantly. After every relationship I would get tested for STDs and HIV (I used to be terrified of getting HIV, including just from kissing)and I was always relieved to get the completely clean results. When beginning a relationship we'd use condoms, and then eventually go without after we both felt comfortable and asked all the right questions. And those very rare occassions where i've had a one night stand always a condom was used.

Last year a much younger girl kept contacting me online. I was in my 30s and she had just entered college. On our first date, we met at a chain bookstore, and hit it off. Before I took her to dinner, after I parked the car we began kissing. Then she asked me "Would you like me to give you a blow job?" OMG, that seemed kinda strange to be asked - and we just met! Well, having gotten out of a sexless relationship not long before I said "Well, sure!" We went out several more times, usually things went the same way as the first date...

But maybe on the fourth date when she was going down on me I told her it hurt suddenly, and I guess she scratched me with her teeth. We had to stop. but the next morning, when I went to look at the scratch, I saw instead something that looked really scaryy, and hurt like hell when I touched it! I had no idea what it was, so i immediately called my doctor for an emergency appointment....doctor sees me and says "It looks like a classic case of herpes." WHAT??!! I was with my last girlfriend for a long time, and I just had oral sex with this new girl. The doctor blew my mind when he said sure, you can catch herpes from oral sex. I was totally stunned. I never heard of that! Who gets it that way, i have never heard of it ever!

Well, I went into shock, and I could not bring myself to date anyone for like 9 months. I felt extremely shamed, dirty, and felt How could I ever have sex with anyone? But my doctor prescribed Vatrex the very first day to get rid of the active sore, and I read that taking it every day, Valtrex was the very first medicine to be approved to actually prevent transmitting herpes to your partner. I also read that the longer you took it daily, the less remote the chance became of giving it to your partner.

That's when I met my ex. We began dating and soon had sex using a condom. Eventually we talked about not using a condom. I told her I was recently tested for HIV and I definitely did not have it. She did not ask me about any STDs, and since I was taking the Valtrex daily, I didn't tell her about the herpes. I had read that the herpes virus when it is not active is not even located in the penis at all. It sounds very weird, but they say that it travels to the base of your spine and becomes dormant. So, after thinking about it for a long time, I figured that since taking the Valtrex every day kept it dormant, we should be okay, since it would not even be anywhere near my genitals...

Well, the relationship with my ex was going REALLY WELL, and I was so happy. I was definitley falling in love with her. But one day my ex didn;t really want to come over. She started to say" I didn;t want to talk to you about this over the phone.. but I found your Valtrex, and its for treating genital herpes!" She was upset, thought it could harm her future children, and she said that she felt betrayed. I explained why I had not told her about it (taking Valtrex daily, it should not even be anywhere near my genitals, etc.) and long stroy short, after a couple of weeks she decided to continue going out with me. I was, actually, very sorry and felt very guilty. We started to get along well again, and after a few more weeks there was an incident (no, I did NOT cheat!) and it went downhill from there.. resulting in my getting dumped, which I wrote about before.

Now, my question is this: How do I tell this new girl I am now dating, assuming we get that far? I was nervous about not telling my ex, and was tryig to think of a way to tell her when she found the Valtrex; I do not want to nake that same mistake again. Would any healthy, desirable woman still want to be with me??

Jouster

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 9:02am

Bringing up herpes isn't an invitation to have sex with somebody, it's a disclosure of a medical condition that may be transmittable. It's almost the same as bringing up any other medical condition that might have an impact on a relationship. If somebody came to me on a third date and said they had accute asthma I wouldn't assume he wanted sex but I would have to think about it because that would mean no intense physical activity, and, for me, that would be a problem.

Some people are absolutely paranoid about STDs. No need to waste your time dating somebody who is going to run the other way when the herpes is disclosed.

For me, herpes...not a problem
Asthma, problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 9:08am

Boy are you hung up on labels!

We all have sex, we all run the risk of acquiring STDs. Therefore there is really no such thing as "good" people and "bad" people when it comes to who gets what disease. 25% of the adult population in the US is infected with the herpes virus. Knowing how somebody contracted the virus isn't important. You can just as easily acquire the virus for a long term relationship as you could a group orgy of strangers.

Please seek out a herpes support group so you can meet some people who have the same issues.

http://herpes-coldsores.com/support/herpes.htm

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 11:47am

But herpes is only transmittable IF you have sex...so disclosing it only makes sense if you are expecting to have sex in the immediate future with the person you're dating. So the analogy to asthma or any other non-STD isn't a good one.

It is a hard judgment call, however. I'm sure there are people who would be upset if the person waited more than 3 dates to tell them, and I know I'm not the only one who thinks that 3 dates is way too soon. But in addition to the whole thing about bringing up sex too soon, I think waiting until the other person has had more time to get to know you is a good idea.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 12:50pm
Thanks for the web referral. Its a personal challenge, but less of one as time continues on for me.

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