Old Conditioning w/Mr. Right

Avatar for jademoon44
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
Old Conditioning w/Mr. Right
4
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 5:13pm
Today is my 23rd wedding anniversary. We're not celebrating, we're in the middle of a divorce!! The ex fell in love on the internet and his object of desire just moved from the east coast to the west coast and is now living w/him. We've been seperated over a year and just started the divorce proceedings.

I have found a wonderful man though! We've been dating for 8 months now and it's getting more serious as we get more comfortable w/each other. We have such similar backgrounds and commonalities that it really is eerie sometimes. We're both Christians and have both been left by our spouses in long term marriages. I love him deeply and trust him completely.

My "problem" is that he has had such an upbringing and rotten marriage that he doesn't believe he is able to give the kind of love he thinks I deserve. He has had nothing but negativity in most of his relationships so far, being told his wasn't doing or giving enough, etc. He is obviously able to love, but feels it isn't good enough and doesn't know how to change it. He would almost rather live without love than to try to "put himself out there" and be vulnerable to more pain. But he is trying with me.

It is strange because I see him give and then I see him retreat some. He calls me daily and does loving deeds for me constantly. He is kind, gentle and sweet and ALL of the qualities I am looking for in a partner. How do I help him relax and trust in love again? I don't want to change him, I love him exactly as he is. I just wish he could be secure in his ability to give to me all that he does without feeling he is shortchanging me. Thanks for your help. Jade

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Registered: 08-10-2003
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 7:47pm
The "baggage" he carries with him after the rotten marriage and divorce he went through IS affecting him and his relationshop with you. You can't help him, he has the baggage and he has to get rid of it. He lacks of confidence and this might be due his wife leaving him. He has to work through his issues and NOT generalize that every woman isn't as his EX and that he can love again and be himself.
Avatar for jademoon44
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Registered: 08-12-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 9:52pm
You are correct that this is "his baggage" to overcome. I am constantly telling him wonderful positive things and how he has changed my life. It's almost as if he can't believe it. He's been divorced for over 7 years now and has had roughly 2 "relationships" since that didn't work out. I rather think sometimes that he believes somehow that he doesn't deserve love. But he does want it. Such a quandry. He is so deserving and just been dealt a really rotten hand to date. We talked it out some lastnight and he just doesn't want to repeat his bad marriage and says he is being "meticulous" with me by letting me know his shortcoming ahead of time, but that he does love me deeply. I've just never come across this before and wondered how I could best help him.. I do want to so badly! I'd love to be the one to show him that love can be such a wonderful thing! Thanks for responding, Jade
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 10:05pm
The message he needs to learn is that he deserves NOTHING that he is not prepared to work towards as a true leader of his own life. With self-responsibility and personal leadership will come the confidence to achieve the deired results. This takes some risk, and with no risk there is no reward.

An analogy would be - a baseball player may deserve a hit, but if he just stands at the plate without taking a swing, he will never get a hit.

It sounds like some of his actions towards you are very thoughtful and appreciated. Make sure that he understands that you do appreciate him and his efforts. Doing this will contribute to his confidence levels. He may also wish to seek some professional guidance to build the confidence and keep his focus on the positives.

Avatar for jademoon44
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Registered: 08-12-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 10:26pm
You are very wise! Thanks so much for the on-target comments. He is truly a wonderful person who does thoughtful and wonderful things for me all the time. More than that though, he is gentle, kind and patient. He is full of common sense and is very level headed. He is loving... but I guess just can't quite see that himself. He gives me so much- if he were the unfeeling and incapable person he describes, I couldn't possibly have fallen for him. I pointed out that the fact that he loves me proves he isn't unfeeling! I will continue to plant positives on him in the sincere way they are felt and hope that he can work these demons of negativity and undeservingness out of his self-image. Thanks, Jade