older guy..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
older guy..
12
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 8:36pm

I have kind of an unusual situation. I am 25, before my last year of college (last year) I met a guy at my part time work; he is much older than me. I had been dating a lot and was happy just to have someone to hang out with. After about six months I started going to his house for movie watching and hanging out, dinner, watching TV just normal friend stuff. I have also dated a few times since meeting this older guy, we have become close enough I actually tell him about my dates. My older friend has been married two times and he openly tells me about both of them, never a bad word about either ex-wife (he has been divorced 6 years.)Over the holidays his daughter and her husband& family from another state visited him for a few days. I was invited over several times not really sure what to expect (the daughter is older than me) I ended up spending some time with his daughter and she was very nice. She asked me about my relationship with her dad and I was honest which is I don't really know other than we are friends, she told me that for the first time in years her dad seems happy and she thinks it's because of me.

Then just today one of my best friends asked me "what it was like" in reference to being with an older guy (in a sexual situation) I was very surprised, and told her I didn't know. She said because we (my older friend and I) are always together people just kind of think we are a couple, an odd couple but a couple.

Despite our age difference (26 years) I think my older friend is kind of attractive, and I would not mind exploring a little bit more of an intimate relationship, it would be like dating my best friend. I know all the math, when I am "this age he will be that age" and it's not a money thing, he is just a middle class guy. Is this a bad idea? Another thing is I have known him for almost a year, stayed over night at his house before, gotten drunk with him, slept in a tent with him and he has never once made a pass at me or attempted or any effort to be anything other than just friends. Most single guys I have been around usually try to initiate something; I am okay looking and an athlete (you know guys.)

Should I talk to this guy about it? Or just be the one to make a move? What if I am wrong and my intimate interest is offensive to him? Is what I am talking about here just wrong?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: linda__123
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 5:08am

linda_...

First...Pianoguy hates the word OLD!

Here's the reason!

PG has seen octogenerians with a heck of a lot more energy and enthusiasm for life than a few men and women in their 20s and 30s! So when you use the word: OLD...you're automatically stereotyping everybody over the age of 40!

Anyway...

Since your friendship with this "slightly more experienced" gentleman seems to appeal to you, what's wrong with bringing up the question: "Is our relationship just a friendship? Or do you see it leading to something more?" I'm willing to bet that if you ask him this sincerely, he'll give you an honest answer! Whether it's the one you're hoping for---who knows???

One thing. PLEASE DON'T DISCUSS what your friendship or relationship is like WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND(S)! It's none of their damn business and what you tell 'em will only create unnecessary gossip!

Actually...it might be a smarter move (on your part) to gain the trust of the man's daughter? Because the more she sees you in the presence of her Dad and realizes that you have honest feelings for him...the more comfortable she'll become about your friendship!

If you can gain the daughter's trust by expressing your feelings about her Dad, I think she'll provide you with a few ideas as to whether it's wise to "pursue something more than friendship" with him?

Good Luck!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
In reply to: linda__123
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 6:27am
The important things to know about approaching your older man is what you want, what you don't want, being willing to discuss it, and allow some time for comprehension and adjustment. I have dated upwards and downwards 15 years my age and it seems to me that if age doesn't bother you or your partner, then enjoy each other. Often couples with 5+ years age difference may feel to be at different stages in their lives, but some of us are arrested in our development and others might be more mature, so who's to tell... I definitely do not think it is a bad idea. It sounds like you are interested for the right reasons and without too much expectation. I would definitely talk to him about it, not surprise him or corner him. He may need time to think about how it may change your relationship and if he wants that. No matter what, it will not be a rejection if you play with the idea casually. Also, you might be surprised at his response if he has had any deeper feelings for you he has kept hidden. Don't worry, if you keep communicating everything can be worked out without too much discomfort. Who knows where your future lies! Good luck to you both!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
In reply to: linda__123
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 11:58am

<< PLEASE DON'T DISCUSS what your friendship or relationship is like WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND(S)! It's none of their damn business and what you tell 'em will only create unnecessary gossip! >>

Lol, that's like telling women not to breathe! hehehe

While I do thing that its disrespectful to a relationship to discuss intimate details, our OP didn't say anything other than "I don't know." No harm, no foul.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: linda__123
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 8:14pm

Thank you for your valuable insight on my situation. When I read your response to my post I felt guilty for having refered to my more experianced gentleman as "older." In fact I hope you don't mind that I used the term "more experianced gentleman" in my conversation with him. I decided to be open and upfront and tell him that I am attracted to him in a romantic way, and expressed my fear of causing damage to the most wonderful friendship I have ever known. To make a long story short, after several glasses of pretty good Merlot, we decided that both of us are interested in a more intimate relationship.

Okay so this Friday we are going to a nice dinner and are then going to watch a movie at his house, I have a feeling that I might not be sleeping in the guest room. Do "more experianced gentlemen" do anything different that I should know about? Can you think of anything I should do or not do that I would/would not do with a guy that was my age?

I guess I am just giddy and excited about the posibilities....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
In reply to: linda__123
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 7:44pm

Hi Linda:

Come over the the May-December board. They should be able to offer some assistance!

Pregnancy ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
In reply to: linda__123
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 7:59pm
Sorry, I'm just catching up. I'm on the May-December board, my So is just 11 years older. But even still, it's my first time dating someone with that much of an age difference. The board has been great as has the relationship. Feel free to email me if you like...
Pregnancy ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: linda__123
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 9:47am

Hi Linda!

PG definitely prefers the term: "more experienced" over the word O-L-D!

Basically because there are members of both sexes who have major age definitions for the word!

Depending upon a woman's point of view, a man could be considered old when he reaches the age of 30, 50, or 80! And the same rules apply when the situation is reversed!

I honestly think it's fantastic that the two of you have the possibility of a romantic...as well as a friendship connection. Since I can't speak for YOUR 'more experienced gentleman'---and what he may or may not do on Friday---my only suggestion is to let things happen naturally!

Best wishes and warm thoughts...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
In reply to: linda__123
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 12:00pm

Hi Linda,

I tend to fall for older men as well but never as much as in your case, max is 15 years. When I was 24 I dated guys 8-11 yrs older than me. At this time I'm very attracted to a man 15 yrs older. But I've been attracted to guys my age or slightly younger as well so I don't think I have a preference. It's a bit intimadating b/c older men (I use this for brevity, easier than "more experienced") know more than you. The man I'm attracted to now is 15 yrs my senior and unfortunately is not interested in me in a romantic way but he can read me like a book. He would look at me with this smile on his face like I know what you're thinking adn it's seductive and annoying at the same time. Anyway....I don't really have a point. Just happy for you. Love is hard to find so when there's mutual attraction and compatability what's the few years in between.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
In reply to: linda__123
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 1:31pm

I agree white satin. I was once attracted to this much older man. I was 27 and he was 54 a couple years younger than my dad at the time. Anyhow. I was super attracted to him. We flirted on several occasions that we were in each others company. Then one night after some drinks and being out on the boat. We went back to his boat and snuggled up. We started to kiss and the attraction just went flat, he was a good kisser but then once in the situation, I lost all attraction, I couldn't get the thought of him being about the same age as my father out of my mind once I was kissing him. It was bad. Up to that point it was fine.

Now I don't go much over 10 years.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: linda__123
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 11:35pm
I'm sure your interest wouldn't be offensive - more likely he has been afraid he would offend you, as you're young enough to be his daughter - which you are.
,

Pages