older man?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
older man?
3
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 4:02pm
I am dating a guy who is 32 and I am 22. He is divorced and has two daughters from his previous marriage. He is wonderful and we recently started planning on getting married. Now I am not so sure that I am ready to be a step-mother. I let him know this and he agreed to give me time and space to think it over. I am having a hard time, should I let this be the deciding factor to us staying together, especially when I feel that he is "the one"?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ti_tell2000
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 4:40pm
Well, the question is the one that you asked in the beginning....am I prepared to sacrifice, work, expend, endure and provide for the children's best interest and well-being OVER my own personal needs at times, and in alignment with my needs at times?

Are you prepared NOT to have an exotic vacation with him - because the child got sick at the last minute, or because the child needs braces and he must cover the costs of that vs. the vacation?

Are you prepared to regularly interact with them AS A RESPONSIBLE ADULT? Where you're guiding and nurturing them....for their own well-being....not just placating them on the weekends while considering them bratty interferring mongrels who Thank God, go home to their mother on Sunday night.

The thing that you're NOT seeing right now - having been you I know it - is that the disparity in priorities between you two adults is vast at this point in time.

He's 32, divorced with two kids. He's got children to educate and must save to do it. HE's got child support to pay and must do it. He's got to cover the costs for those children in every capacity that his ex wife cannot pay or that the court has mandated he must. He's 10 years further into his career - and if by about 42 he's not professionally where he wants to be - he'll never be there. So he's in th epeak period of his life to be prioritizing his professional advancement - to secure a healthy retirement.

You're 22......you likely like being seen with him, he's attractive and buff and he's older and more optioned.....but are you going to "like" having to make the sacrifices and efforts that he currently does - for his existing family, his existing priorities and goals and needs? Because you're going to have to.

It's not "my money is mine, yours is yours and we'll live together and both benefit by snuggling."

One thing that concerns me is that he letting YOU decide if you're ready to be a step-parent. That tells me that pretty much HIS goals, needs, priorities, standards, interests and requirements are what you're meeting at all times - that you have no individual interests, goals, priorities or pursuits that take your time away from him.

So he's quite willing to let you decide, from a position of total inexperience in life in every way, whether YOU want to be a parent. Because he know that if you decide that you will - itll be HIS standards, his demands, his requirements, his priorities that are adhered to in that endeavor, just like in everything else that "you two" are involved in.

How much of "you" as an individual is there in this relationship? Or have you melded and molded yourself to him - so that you have a relationship?

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
In reply to: ti_tell2000
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 5:16pm

I think that it IS YOUR decision whether you are ready to be a step-mother.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ti_tell2000
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 1:11am
Yes, it's a deciding factor in staying with this guy. You are wasting his time and yours if you decide that stepparenting is not for you. I would sign up for a class, read some books, really investigate what it is. I know someone who married a man with three girls and then they had one of their own...she was already experienced in terms of being a stepdaughter and going from single to a family of five was fine for her. But she was older than you and established in her career, etc.

Twenty-two is just a number...where are you...have you had time to travel, see what you want to see in the world, have you finished your studies, have you started your career, have you even moved out of your parents' home and been flying solo financially for at least a year? Do you love this man...or is marriage to him an escape from having to grow up on your own and stand on your own two feet? How about kids...does he want more? What happens to your time when you marry? Is it on you to watch the girls while he golfs on the weekend? I know another friend who dated a guy who absolutely wanted her to play Barbies with DD so that he could watch TV in peace. She was so not into it...nice kid, but she definitely didn't want to raise 'someone else's kid'. Finally, what about his relationship with their mom...do you see both you and her getting on with parenting decisions...will she support you as a parent or undermind? If they don't get along, envision ALWAYS having to battle vacation schedules with her, etc. Ask yourself what you really want and what you're willing to do here...walking away from those girls now is easier than creating a family situation with them and then deciding to leave it in two years. This isn't the time to focus on romance...really look at things and decide if it's for you.