Older man - my dream, my nightmare

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Older man - my dream, my nightmare
2
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 10:25am
Hi! Let mi tell you, that I'm really confused and this is the first time I'm asking for advice unknown people. I really appreciate you're reading my message. So...the problem is that I'm 20 years old but since I've felt myself a sexual being my "passion" are older maen. When I say "older" I mean "usually over 35" (it's important that I'm liken mostly by men at that age). At that moment I'm scared cause I'm feeling very deep feelings for a 45 years old man who is thrully atrracted to me. In fact I know that such man wouldn't have a serious relations with me so I've never let myself to have such an affair. And here it comes the problem - I can't have a relationship with someone at my age (these boys just can't atrract me) and I don't date with older men, cause they don't really care about my personality... Do you think that in my life could come a moment (may be when I become older) when things will just come to their places? And what do you think I should do with this 45 year old extremely-my-type-man?

Thank you for paying attention - wish you love and shiny days:))


Edited 10/10/2004 10:35 am ET ET by after_rain
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 4:14pm
Wow! Your life sounds like mine. I was exactly like you when I was your age. My mother continually encouraged me to be attracted to older, distinguished, established men. I went completely opposite her at one point and though older than me, married a complete creep. I'm still attracted to older men rather than younger. Of course, I'm finally their age. They probably do take me more seriously now. Paradoxically, younger men seem attracted to me more often than older now. I wish I could have appreciated it when I was younger because younger men aren't so set in their ways and in a sense, you grow together.

I've talked about myself a lot but my point is there were a lot of things about my life that I didn't remember at the time. My best advice would be to examine yourself to see what attracts you to these men rather than just blindly accepting it as the way you are. For me, it was a lot of repressed memories. You're still young, it's to your advantage, I think, to find a man you are compatible with that's your age. Someone who will understand your perspectives on things now, rather than having to look back to try to understand them. There's a tendency by older people to poosh pooh/trivialize the problems of younger people, invalidating them to a degree - been there, done that. Older men aren't necessarily more mature than younger, though more experienced. Their greater experience gives them an advantage over you in being able to manipulate your emotions. Getting old is no fun, and older men know this. That's why many of them go after younger women, I think. It has something to do with sex appeal, but it's more about mortality I believe. Socially, there's some taboo about older men being seriously involved with much younger women. So it seems unlikely that they'll take you seriously and/or are utterly irresponsible themselves. It's likely you'll find yourself used and by the time you're ready to look for an honest relationship, you'll be older, like me. Do yourself a favor, and don't go there. Bottom line, look at people for who they are as individuals, rather than categorizing them. Older isn't necessarily better. Good luck.

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anonymous user
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 5:53pm
I agree. I know it's hard because you are attracted to him but if you don't want the heartache, you're better off leaving him alone.

I was 23 and extremely attracted to a handsome 44 year old man as he was extremely attracted to me. Everyone told me to leave him alone but I couldn't. I had actually been dreaming about him (sex dreams)before we became involved and I can say, yes obsessing of being with him him. My dream came true one Christmas eve day when we just happened to finally talk and tell each other we liked each other. He told me to give him a kiss and I did and that kiss started it all.

Well, he did become my boyfriend and we were tumultuously together for a long time. When it was good, it was great. He was very romantic and very, very sexy. However, when it was bad, it was so bad that it was draining both physically and emotionally. He'd cheat on me with women his own age. He'd flirt with women my age and younger. When I'd get fed up and tell him I'm leaving and I didn't want to see him anymore, he'd beg and plead, sometimes he became violent, but for the most part, he thought he could fix everything with sex and showers. I was naive and inexperienced and I'd let him seduce me constantly, but then I always felt empty inside.

Finally believing I should have more or for the most part tired of his sh**, I called him and told him no more and I meant it. By then, we had run our course and I think he realized it too. We did part as friends and every once in a while he'll call to say he's thinking about me or to wish me a merry Christmas.

I don't regret any of it though and yes, I do like older men as opposed to younger men but I don't know if I could go through that again.