the older you get the harder it gets

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
the older you get the harder it gets
15
Wed, 08-31-2005 - 3:58pm
I know that's pretty obvious but really I was talking about the men themselves. In their twenties up to maybe early thirties men are usually in 'mating' mode with women their own age. Once they get to late thirties and older, they become what I think of as 'toxic bachelors,' selfish and just out for sex. If they do decide to settle down it'll be with a twentyish partner. If the guy is divorced or out of a long relationship he'll either just want to screw around as he cannot forget his ex love or, at the very best, seek a housekeeper..depending on how old he is. My mother's theory is that men only choose a long term mate for breeding and if she is too old to have kids then she is only used for one-off sex or just ignored completely. I really think that, of course always with a few (but very few) exceptions, that women of a certain age can forget 'love' ..whatever that is.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Wed, 08-31-2005 - 5:35pm

Stefania -- you should see the movie "Broken Flowers" if you can -- what you say reminds me so much of the themes in that movie. The Don Juans out there don't have a perfect life, or even a very happy one. I guess like all of us, good parts and bad parts. I was married to a man who didn't want to settle down with just one woman. He loved women, going out, being free. The bachelor life for him is too enticing, but at the same time sort of eats him alive. A very educational part of the friendship we have today is how I get to see how sad and lonely he is at times.

If someone were to tell me when I was 20 that I'd be divorced, no kids and living alone in my mid 30s, I would've freaked out. That wasn't the plan I had for myself but that's my reality. There are good days/bad days. I look around me and see people living in all different sorts of ways, married and miserable, single and blissful, having children on their own or raising children they weren't ready to have...

Maybe I'm not doing so good in cheering you up, but just wanted to say I can hear where you're coming from.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Wed, 08-31-2005 - 6:14pm
stefania,
That story makes you sound bitter. Nobody wants to be with a person who is bitter at the other gender.
A quick story.
The was this attractive woman who had a son on my sons baseball team. She was divorced and her ex came to all the gfames like she did. All she did is bad mouth this guy who gave her a sweetheart deal with the divorce. She wanted the divorce not him . Well he came to the games with his new gf for 2 years and she would bad mouth him to anyone who would listen.
In 2 years this woman couldnt get a date at all so a bunch of us were sitting around and she complained about her lack of dating.
I told her she is a beautiful woman and I would love to date her but she is so bitter it makes her look ugly.
Since then she had changed her attitude
and has a lot of dates now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 6:50am
softballs, your response was a very valid one:) I am, if you can understand the distinction, not so much bitter as resigned. I have had much worse experiences than the lady you talk about in your anecdote and people say to me that if they were me, they'd forswear men for life. Nonetheless, I smile at people and look attractive and give off good vibes. I know this because I had many nice things said about me by my adult students. My postings on my board (and this is what the internet is so good for) are my inner thoughts and feelings which these boards are so good for - getting it off one's chest. If every time I met a man I was convinced he was useless, I'd not even chat with him but I have to give everyone a chance and so I do. But sadly my theory that 99.9% of men are sh-ts is always proved right and it makes me sad. Of course I would love to be proved otherwise. I really think that my mother was right in that a woman can 'miss the boat' and mating in the later stages of one's life is practically impossible. I seem to get more men chasing after me than I did when I was younger but they only want sex and when they find out I want more disappear like snow in summer. If you look at these boards it is full of women (at all ages) wondering why he didn't call when the reason is obvious and wondering if they should call when they know they shouldn't so I guess we are all mostly asking rhetorical questions which hardly need answering in here although it is comforting to share and especially because so many of the regulars in here seem to be a bunch of nice and intelligent people.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 7:15am
Well you are right about some men. At my age which is mid 40 s I am looking for a solid relationship. To me it is more about my s/o than it be about the sex.
Anothwer quick story just happened to me last month.
A guy I work with his aunt works down the road from us in a store. Well we having been going there for a couple of years and we have spoken alot. Well I went there one day and asked her out. She pushed it off saying she was busy. She spoke with the guy I work with and told her . He explained I was a nice guy I like to read and do this and that. She felt Im was just trying to get into her pants. So we finally go out to dinner had a long talk and we both said we would like to go out agaain.I asked her out for 5 weeks straight and she kept saying she was to busy maybe next week. Now I just give up thinking she doent like me. At a barbacue at my co workers house his mother is there and we are talking [I am friendly with his mom not on that level} and she asks why I havent called her sister. I told her the whole story and her sis ter feels I did not pursue her hard enough.
So men are not the only idiots around ,we just surround ourselves with the wrong people.
Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 7:48am

Well atleast you had the "balls" (couldn't resist) ;-)
to ask her out.
Whatever reason, she was not ready.
My thing is guys don't ask me out no matter how friendly and open and bubbly I am. They just either a stare or b talk to me casually and go their merry way. So that tells me the interest isn't strong enough.
However, I constantly have that problem. I dress well, keep the figure petite and I'm attractive. But more than that, my personality outshines all of that. I'm as sweet as they come but I think they see that and decide they just want a wild woman who just wants sex instead. I refuse to ask out any many when I'm giving you the "I won't shoot you down if you ask" vibe.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 10:28am
Liyahberry; it's no use being a nice attractive woman with a great personality. I am also (they say) attractive and personable. But if a guy simply wants no-strings sex for one night, then you could be Miss World-meets-Einstein and this would be irrelevant to them. These guys AREN'T LOOKING for relationships so they have inbuilt commitment-phobia and their antennae are working and they can spot from miles away a woman who wants to be taken out and treated properly and 'courted.' You'll be amazed how many kind of 'sex negotiations' (can't think of another word for it) I had when I was living in Italy. It was kind of..'well, I'll take you for a coffee/pizza if you f--k me' OR 'let me come round to your house' OR 'I don't like to put any parameters round a relationship; whatever happens, happens...' (a bit of a more subtle approach). These guys were easy to spot and when I refused them I got called a whore (a bit illogical) or worse still, one guy hit me when I had to fight him off (silly that I got into a situation where I was alone with him in a park in the evening) and it's not as if I went into a singles bar or a disco where men would think I was just up for sex and no, I wasn't dressed provocatively either. Lucky I did sport for years and have good muscles to punch these losers. Although this all sounds unpleasant and it is, the worse ones are those who groom you for sex for months and then dump you in a cruel and unpleasant way immediately after sex. They build up a foundation of trust and even boast about their conquests afterwards to friends.
My dear mother who is nearly 80 says this crap is all due to the sexual revolution, the Pill and women making themselves too easy and I guess she's right since if you say NO, the guy just shrugs and moves onto the next potential victim. Men are predators in the main and have to be viewed with not hostility but certainly a great deal of caution and healthy cynicism:) Apart from the need to mate and build a family when young, older men have their friends for companionship and they can buy a take-away or cook themselves so what do they need a woman for? I dated a very attractive guy of 38 and he (at least he was polite) explained he was only looking for sex since he was a good cook and domesticated and had plenty of friends for companionship. He said that a serious or any type of relationship would tie him down and put constraints on him. He said also (this is another very important factor) that there are more women than men so men can pick and choose. My Russian friend is even more cynical than i am. She married an older man who isn't very capable in bed and openly flaunts her young lovers who never stick around after one f--k but in Italy there is always a high turnover of bedmates. I told her that life was for her but not for me and she laughed in my face and said that men were incapable of love so might as well be used. I do think that they were using HER but didn't want to get into a fight :))
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 12:46pm
Stefania,
It seems like you are in a bad dating cycle. It's not your age that makes these things happen. For some reason you are attracting men who are only about sex and who have no respect for women. You need to determine what that is and why you're attracting the wrong types of guys. Of course we all attract them, but as soon as they show a sign that they are rogues, off they go!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 1:12pm
I agree with you. It all makes sense and you definitely get no argument from me.
I do agree with your mom. My mom used to tell me that all of the time and say how she felt sorry for the young women coming up. It's sad. It really is.
Unfortunately, you do have women who don't mind being used just for arms and whatever else sake.
I refuse to turn myself into a different person for the sake of getting a man temporarily.
Like you said, they can spot a decent girl a mile away and I'm sure they sense it with me and they bolt.
I do blame alot of this on women who say they are "liberated" and have sex with men on the spot, at the drop of a dime. There are too, too many this way. They somehow think this will make the guy like them more and then they're left wondering why he disappeared.
I am old fashioned. I want to be taken out and treated like a lady. If I can't be, then in my opinion, it's not even worth the heartach.
I do agree with you 100%
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 1:26pm
Gingersnapelle..of course I don't bother with a guy once I see he only wants sex but what I said in my last posting is that some guy are real players and very subtle and will take their time in grooming a woman for sex. Of course we can all spot the losers who downright either ask for sex or make it clear very quickly that is all they want. But there are plenty of more sophisticated types out there who can reel a woman in and get her to trust him and then break her heart. I attract these men because there are so darned many of them.
Liylahberry....if you want to get treated like a lady then you should have either been born 100 years ago or write your own romantic novel since nowadays it just won't happen, sorry!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 1:26pm

Yes, I know the feeling. I'm struggling with it too. Let's face it, men these days have the upper hand when it comes to dating. I can relate to Liyaberry's post about men approaching her then moving on. It happens to me also. Unfortunately it happens when I am interested in those men who approach me. It's not often that I'm attracted to alot of men, but when I do see someone I like and he approaches me to strike up a conversation, I say, YES, FINALLY, he has the features I like and he's dressed nicely. But then after talking for a few minutes, he moves on and I never see him again! :-(
It's really sad for us women out here who do want a committed relationship. I've seen cads who treat women really poorly go out and find true love and happiness. I'm a nice person and I can't even get a date!

I agree with what your mom said about the sexual revolution. I had that same talk with my mom when she was alive. She said she blames it all on the loose women who sleep around and chase men like animals. (LOL!) I guess if a man keeps meeting women who freely wants to have sex, why should he enter into a relationship?

Sorry, I don't have anything positive to say either. I don't think it's just you either, it's the way of the world now.

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