One-night stand with friend: etiquette?
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| Thu, 12-21-2006 - 7:38am |
Hi :)
I'm new here, and I really hope you can give me some advice on this. Last weekend I attended an Asian get-together party, with lots of friends and family present. There was one guy, the brother of a guy I had gone out with once but whom I decided was not right for me. I've known him for 8 years now, but I've only talked to him at parties and online, when I was much younger. I havent been in a relationship for over a year, he got out of a 5 yr relationship in August.
He's never really opened up to me - or our mutual friends - that much, but I got to know him better at the party and he turned out to be vulnerable and a bit lonely (just started working in a new city). Sparks flied, he followed me to my hotel room (without my asking) and we slept together. ('everything but'). He was sweet, attentive and we just matched really well in the bedroom. He said he was really glad we enjoyed it both. Then he asked me how we would act at breakfast the next morning (kissing or not?) and I said no kissing etc. He went to his own room to get some sleep.
The next morning there was no time to speak to him one on one and I only saw him in front of both our parents and friends. It was awkward. When we said goodbye we just kissed on the cheeks and he rubbed my arm.
I've never had a one-night stand before. It was fun, but now I would really like to get to know him better. He doesnt have my phone number, but he could easily find out through one of our mutual friends. He didn't want them to find out about our encounter, though, so that might be difficult.
Why hasnt he contacted me? Its been 4 days and I find it hard to concentrate on other things right now. He uses the same networking site as me, should I send him a message or wait for him to contact me first? Maybe he saw it as just sex and nothing else, and I dont want to lose face. I've always had a 'hard to get' reputation, now it seems destroyed.
Do you think there is still a chance he'd go out with me?
:) Have a nice week and good luck with the christmas shopping!
Greetz, Lara
PS please excuse my english, it's not my native language
Edited 12/21/2006 7:39 am ET by lara2293
Edited 12/21/2006 7:47 am ET by lara2293

The man does not have your phone number and nowhere in your interaction with him did you suggest you wanted anymore than what happened. Therefore it is up to you to make a move. I would send him a quick note asking about his new job and anything else you have talked about.
Good luck.
The fact that he asked how you wanted to act at breakfast sounds like he was willing at the time to openly acknowledge to everyone that you liked each other. Once you told him no displays of affection, then he was willing to cooperate with that.
I'd think you should make the next move. He may be thinking that you don't want to pursue anything since you didn't want to display any sign of anything in front of others. Just send him a quick note, and that establishes to him that you do want to continue contact. You'll never know unless you try.
And btw, no need to apologize for your English. You write much better than many native speakers of it.
Hi,
Thanks a lot for your advice! It's true that I didn't show any displays of affection towards him the next day. But the night before (should've added that), we said our goodbyes and found it hard to let go, and he said: We shouldnt act this close tomorrow, otherwise this will drag on unnecessarily long!
And the next day I ran into him in the hallway after breakfast, and we were both in a hurry. No-one was looking, but he waited for me and just said: Ok, I'll see you later, we both don't have time right now.
The point is that all the online dating advice seems to point towards: All is lost if you have sex before building a relationship and if you don't let the man contact you first, you will come across as desperate and he will be turned off.
Do you guys think there is any truth in those ideas?
Merry X-Mas everyone, Happy holidays!!
Advice like that is assuming that all women think the same, as do all men. I can tell you I wouldn't be with my husband now if I'd followed a lot of advice out there that sounds as though it's more about playing games than it is about treating each other like real human beings.
All is not lost if you have sex before building a relationship. There are many people who have started with sex and then dated and ended up together in a long term committed relationship. You can also find plenty of examples of women who have initiated first contact and ended up in a relationship.
You're spending a lot of time worrying about this. Just send a simple email to him. That's all. See how he responds. That will tell you a lot of information right there. He may be spending time worrying about things too and unsure about contacting you. This cuts through a lot of wasted time to go ahead and make the effort.