One Night Stand Part 2?!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
One Night Stand Part 2?!!!!
18
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 11:43am
I need some advice. A while back I slept with a man who was a friend of a friend. It was definitely a one-night stand. He's a nice person (and very cute) but I didn't see it going anywhere. I woke up that morning extremely embarrassed (as I had never done that before) and left him a note before he woke up. I haven't spoken to him since. As it turns out, a party is coming up and he'll be in town. My friend wasn't going to come as he will be in town and she didn't feel comfortable bringing him along because of our history. I told her it was fine and that they should both come. I want to think that I'm OK with him being there, but I'm just not really sure how I'm going to react. I definitely don't want to sleep with him again. But I want to be friendly, because he's a good guy, without leading him on. What to do? I can tell my friend not to bring him, but I feel that would be childish, even though she would absolutely understand. HELP!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 11:52am
Hello pongo, welcome to the board!

Yes, in my opinion, that would be childish. Remember the reason you are going to the party is not to see him but to enjoy the company and friendship of others there. Why should you avoid a party because of one person? and, likewise, why should he not be invited just because you are there? that's not what the party is for.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 12:00pm
HI Terry,

Thanks for responding so quickly... I do want to be mature about this... The important bit that I left out, was that it's actually a party that I'm throwing. It's a celebration of sorts. I've been looking forward to it for a while. I just want to make sure I have a good time without feeling uncomfortable. I know that I won't tell my friend not to bring him. I guess the next move is how to deal with him if he should show up without giving away any of my humiliation over what happened.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 12:23pm
Well, since it's your party you certainly can control who attends. And, if you feel that you would be uncomfortable with him in attendance you can let your friend know. But, you have a mature attitude and know that this doesn't have to be something that will have to stand in your way. there will be others at the party and you will not have to seclude yourself with this man. As for any feelings of humiliation, they will pass with time (you aren't the only one who has ever had a one-night stand you know) and realize that it is in the past and there is nothing you can do to change that. But, that's the point, it is in the past. It doesn't have to effect your future.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 12:48pm
Well, first off you're acting on assumption (unless you have info. that you didn't post) that he'll want to sleep with you again....so, there's the chance that you're causing unneeded discomfort for yourself.

Regardless of that---I'd say that the adult thing to do would be to let your friend know it's perfectly ok for him to come along and then treat him just like you treat all your other guests. Internally, you'll probably field wonky, but externally you can more than likely pull it off without a hitch.

IF it comes up, just tell him you were a little embarrassed about what happened as it's not your modus operandi and that you just wouldn't feel comfortable allowing it to happen again. That should be all it takes to put it to rest.

In the future...always keep in mind what may happen down the road when you do something in the here and now--you just never know what may pop up in your path!

Michelle

Michelle

Fill with mingled cream and amber,
I will drain that glass again.
Such hilarious vis

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 1:01pm
You can't "lead on" a on night stand. It's not a situation where there was dating and involvement and investment in one another and one of you ended it and the other wished that wasn't the case.

Both of you wanted to "get some" and both of you did. Admittedly, because it was no obligation sex he might want more of that whenever he's around. He might pursue that - and you can just tell him outright that you're not interested in having sex, without a relationship- and you are or are not interested in dating him, if he wants to do that.

But please do NOT tell him "I never did that before" - it sounds like the biggest cop out in history. People's values justify their actions. This is NOT a situation of "HE is so great and wonderful I couldn't help having sex but I've never done this before".

The reality is - you wanted to get laid, he wanted some to - you were both in the same place at the same time and you both agreed to "do it". Both of you got what you wanted - to get laid.

My concern is that he's going to say hello and make small talk, find someone that interests him at the party - take her to post-party coffee and NOT have sex...and you're going to be upset that he didn't pursue anything with you at all, and that he wanted her for "more than sex." Because THAT is generally the reality - if he wanted you and was settling for sex...once he got sex he'd have pursued "dating you". What he wanted was sex and got it - dating you isn't something he wants to do or else he'd have pursued that with just as much aggression as he did "getting sex".

Or, that he'll ignore you totally - and you'll assume it's because he's so embarrassed and you'll try to discuss it with him - only to find out he doesn't want you pursuing more sex, he's not interested in that or dating.

Just say hello, make small talk if the situation warrants it - move on. It's a finished deal.



Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 1:13pm
"wonky" - I love it when you use that word ... I never heard it before these boards...

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 2:11pm
Thanks all for your words of wisdom. I guess what it boils down to is that I know I will feel "wonky" when/if he shows up. And I also know that I'll treat him as any other guest who shows up. But it's just an off situation for me, so I want to be sure that I don't act like lunatic.

Erin--you're right. He wanted to get laid, I wanted to get laid, we laid each other. Happy Days. Part of it was a surprise, but I knew what I was doing. I knew right then and there that he was not someone I would have a relationship with, and honestly, I didn't want to have a relationship with him. So, actually I wouldn't mind him meeting someone else at the party. I wouldn't mind him ignoring me either. (Although, I would think if he shows up, it would be to actually hang out with me). Also, I'm not assuming he wants to sleep with me. I'm just worried he might expect that, which would put me in an uncomfortable situation. So this is where my worry stems from.

In the end, I just think that if he shows up, I'll have to at least look like I'm a mature adult, even if I don't feel like one.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 2:16pm
Feelings aren't facts, goals or calls to action. They shouldn't dictate what you do.

Situations are a result of/changed by/created with actions, decisions and words.

Simply put...."act" like how you want to "feel" based on your goal after factual assessment of the situation AT HAND.

As a result, after the fact, becuase you'll have changed the situation - you'll likely "feel" the way you "acted". then, you won't be "acting" - you'll just "be".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 2:33pm
wonky, there's that word again - I love it!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 2:40pm
I picked it up from a guy from the northern part of England...I thought it was such a great word. Then a friend of my ex-bf used it in a poem, that made me love it even more. Ranks up there with "wanker"!

I love words...I'm trying to figure out a way to work verisimilitude into a conversation today.

Michelle

Michelle

Fill with mingled cream and amber,
I will drain that glass again.
Such hilarious vis

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