THIS ONES A DOOZY READ ME HELP ME!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2005
THIS ONES A DOOZY READ ME HELP ME!
6
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 8:13pm

me and my fiance have been together for 3 yrs and this particular event happened 3 yrs ago

before me and my fiance officially hooked up I had an "affair" with another guy while i was talking to him. i thought he would leave me if i told him about it so i put it out my head and then i TOTALLY forgot about it. one day recently he asked about something related and i told him what happened and we almost broke up (our worst arguement ever). well its been a few weeks and he told me yesterday he wanted to completly forgive me for it but he needed to no if there was ANYTHING else i forgot about and i really really cant remember so it made him upset. also when he asked what happened with me and the other guy i told him everything i could remember but i couldnt remember the last part and its driving both me and him crazy! what should i do? i understand he wants to trust me but i cant remember somethings sometimes.

btw affair envolved another guy coming over my house and kissing me and i didnt tell my fiance about it until recently. i am completely guilty on that subject and i admitted it. oh and the other guy turned out to be a total butthole and i didnt really like him it just sorda happened

ps i do NOT have a memory problem its just that i didnt want him to leave me so bad i put it out of my head and now i cant get it back

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 8:40pm

If this happened "before" you and your fiance officially hooked up, why is it a problem with him. So what if at that time, you were "talking" to him. You were not bf and gf at that time and he can't just "assume" that if him and you are talking, you are not talking to anyobdy else? Were you both exclusively dating at that time? Was it discussed or just assumed? He should TRY to understand from this angle and let it go. Anyway, it was a Long time ago, and I don't know why this is even an issue. Is this guy in your life right now? I am guessing he is not. Then, there is all the more reason for your fiance to not make a huge deal of it.

I totally understand when you say you cannot remember certain things. And that is just how it is. We can't remember. He should understand. It's not important enough to "try" to remember anyway.

I hope that he maturely puts this behind him and doesn't hound you with "so, what else is there that I don't know about". From my point of view, this is totally a non-issue. Stop over-explaining or being defensive about it to him. The more you clarify yourself, the more he feel there was something "wrong" and the more worked up he might be. Tell him firmly and clearly what exactly u think, and refuse to talk about it anymore.

I wish you both the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 8:58pm
i understand why he got upset, it was because he asked me about the guy before and i didnt really think about what i had done. i told my fiance i loved him at the time and i wouldnt cheat on him when we got together so when i was kissin another guy it really hurt him that i never told him. he said he probably wouldnt have been mad if i told him when he asked about it but i technically lied when i didnt say anything bc i didnt remember about it. another plus was that him and the guy where at my house at the same time the next day and they didnt get along. oh and yeah no i dun see the other guy anymore but i think its my fiances fear for me not remember something else i didnt wanna tell him because i thought he would leave and him find out the wrong way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 12:12am
I think your fiance is overreacting over this whole thing. Your kissing the guy BEFORE your relationship came about is irrelevant. What does this guy expect? To marry a virgin? Surely you didn't "forget" about seeing anyone during your relationship with your SO. Does he think you are always coming down with a case of amnesia? He needs to get over this paranoia if he expects the relationship to be healthy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 9:04am

If you were dating these men before you and your boyfriend became exclusive then you did nothing wrong.

I wouldn't have advised telling your boyfriend about this but now that you did I think he needs to get over it. If he doesn't then you have to evaluate whether this is the man for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2005
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 8:02pm

okay update on everything:

I need to come up with everything that happened within one hour or im guessing its over. he says im the only one who can fix this all i have to do is remember. he thinks its absolutely absurd that i can remember some parts and not the other parts and that its my brain and i am the only who can say what i did. the reasons why hes so upset are b/c i kept saying that i didnt remember on things he felt where important and that i didnt tell him what happened in the very beginning. oh yeah and other person who recently replied not telling him things that i thought would get me in trouble is what got me here. i should have told him but im telling him now and now he wants to no everything that happened without a i dun remember or a i dunno b4 9 o clock (1 hour from now) i want to tell him but i just CANT REMEMBER! HELP ME ASAP!!!!!!

btw i was a virgin when he met me and i have only been with him since

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sat, 10-29-2005 - 5:03pm

This guy is a piece of work. Luckily you are finding out now rather than after you marry. You can't remember, you aren't going to remember and that is the way it is.

If he can't accept the truth then it is most definitely time to move on.