this one's a real doozy - help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2005
this one's a real doozy - help!
3
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 12:32am

hello!
i am a 25 year old lesbian, single for about 5 mo now after a 3 year relationship. i had a lot of growing and learning to do...i really had to find out what it was like to live alone and get along/support myself alone without a roommate or partner for the first time ever. they were hard times, to say the least, among other not-so-great stuff going on.

fast forward to now, i am fine, have my head on straight again, and generally happy and content.here's the catch!!!! i've been seeing a therapist for about 4 months now, and the more i began to move on with my life (about 2-3 months ago) and get my act together, the better i have been generally. unbeknownst to me, the place where i sought therapy was gay-oriented, and my therapist happens to be a lesbian as well, i came to find out about 2 months ago.

long story short, i have developed a slight crush on her in the past few weeks. i am confident this is NOT transferring. i'm not seeking anything in her that i am not getting from anyone else, or transferring any feelings. i am genuinely interested in being friends, or asking her out ... we have a lot in common, get along great, are on the same page (maturely, well she is probably a bit more mature than i am - there i said it!) and she is only 2 years older than me. it's not a transference, like my shrink is 40 years older than me and i need a daddy. it is more like she is a cool, gay chick i know i know in a different setting who is in my age bracket and im interested in. i have no idea if she has a girlfriend, but i suspect she does not.

i know this is wrong and unethical, but i can't help it. my coworker suggests spilling the beans and telling her everything because it will affect my therapy. as of yet, i'm not censoring myself or any of that stuff. i am not hesitant in acting toward her as if she were JUST my therapist. after all it would be pretty pointless to go to a therapist and censor yourself...not to mention a waste of money! my cowoker also said "give her some credit and let her guide you, she is the professional". i know i should switch therapists if it ever becomes like that.

but i really would love to ask her out...to POSSIBLY have the chance to get to know her outside of my ranting and raving... to show her the really great side of me, although i'm confident she knows it is there!!!!

so what do i do? split from her and find a new one because i DO want to ask her out but dont want to ruin a good relationship with a professional who has helped me through tough times. i get really good vibes from this chick, we laugh a lot together .. but it's slightly complicated with the whole "shes my therapist" thing. i just dont want to put her in an awkward situation or uncomfortable, nor embarrass myself or appear unethical...(as a human being in a slightly awkward situation, nor give the wrong impression. and part of me says "stop this is absolutely ridiculous, forget about her like that!" but i really am interested in her, and something tells me to take the challenge on.

and i perfectly understand the diff between a therapist and a friend/aquaintence. i am paying money to a therapist to listen to me, as opposed to the later.

oh dear, help me!!!!!
thanx




Edited 11/2/2006 1:37 am ET by theconcretedonk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 7:07am

Professionally, she can't date you. She'd lose her license and her job if she works at a clinic.

If you are determined though, you can always terminate your professional relationship with her, wait 6 months and then ask her out.

Or you can forget about asking her out and continue in therapy. But this is a clear case of not being able to have your cake and eat it too.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 7:59am

I want to agree with the earlier reply. If you date, it would be a violation of ethics. Even if you wait six months and then date it is considered a violation of ethics, though if you are no longer her patient/client, she doesn't have to fear legal or professional consequences.

For what it's worth, my advice from experience is that it's not a good idea. In my early twenties, I dated (and eventually became sexually involved with) a guy who had briefly been my therapist three years earlier when I had gone through a bad period in college. He told himself (and me) that since he'd only seen me as a therapist four or five times (I'd gone to the university counseling center for help during a crisis, it was not ongoing therapy) and since it had been three years, it was morally and ethically okay. Maybe it was ethical, but the fact that he had once been my therapist, that he knew somethings about me that I wouldn't ordinarily tell a guy I dated, that he could (and did) present himself to me as a "wise" person who could "guide" me, did affect the relationship in ways that were not always good. He had trouble (I think most therapists would have trouble) drawing the line between therapist and lover, even though he had been therapist for only a short time. We both missed out on the mystery of getting to know each other. He had mysteries for me that I did not have for him.

Was I seriously hurt? Luckily, no. But it was not a good experience on the whole. The relationship gave him too much power.

Back to your case, I really think you should discuss it with your therapist. She needs to know and she may have some ideas of how you can work through these feelings.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2006
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 10:38am
My first thought is to end the therapy with her. Then I thought better, she knows your history and situation. I would only look at her in terms of a therapist and seek out relationships elsewhere. You are paying her to listen and guide you so, if you are attracted to that part of her, keep looking. Keep it professional.